Stop that Unnecessary Fawning

[PepperBlossoms]

If you grew up fawning, what did you do to stop doing it so much?  

Fawn example: not wanting to hurt others feelings, not wanting to get in trouble with what you say, deleting/changing something you said after you said it, conforming your attitude to match your peers, hiding your feelings, letting the other person pick the activity, agreeing with others even if you don't, being dismissive of problems, going along with things you don't want to go along with, staying away from arguments/controversies, putting on a happy/positive face, etc.

I noticed the problem with excessive fawning is its dismissiveness of addressing things, its inauthenticity, its unwillingness to speak its mind; kids who grow up with parents of excessive fawn(s) could have a highly distorted view of "normal" and become overly sensitive and scared/intimidated to anyone who does not excessively fawn; if one parent fawns and the other speaks their mind, the child could associate the one speaking their mind as scary when really when if both parents spoke their mind, they might not be so scared.  Kids could think that being nice is when one fawns and anything short of that doesn't make the cut and feel like they aren't nice if they don't do it too.  Fawns can be annoying with their overwhelming positivity and people pleasing and fawns can let problematic stuff slide and go unaddressed.

Edited March 4, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[gettoefl]

better to challenge and provoke rather than encourage and praise

bit it is tricky since people want to hear the latter and will run a mile from the former

i try to treat people almost the way i treat myself, i say almost since i am a hard fuck

so in my case i choose to push you rather than coddle you

i do it for your good, it's my way to love, i am not being an arse or trying to make you angry

[Kksd74628]

@PepperBlossoms

You need to love self-expression, truth and yourself so much that you can't, but speak up. One way is to attain stupidly high amount of knowledge about one subject and then explain that to others and have conversation about that one. When you know you are right and when the topic is important enough then even the most introverted shy guy will open up to speak : )

[PepperBlossoms]

I guess I can see the other side of the spectrum where the parent did more criticism than just loving/accepting you for who you are.  I guess my parents were on opposite extremes.

I feel like I struggle more with my parent who overly criticized me than the one who was kind and fawned to me.  I struggle with the things he told me.  It feels stupid because part of me is like, well just prove him wrong.  But part of me feels too weak to do that.  Part of me feels like all the criticism took such a toll.  I feel like I didn't get enough love and so I don't have enough love to give myself or give to others.  I can feel myself start to do what he did where I would not be present for someone or help someone or give them kindness - I feel like I have the desire to shame others the way he had the desire to shame me.

I guess I feel like, oh I am worthless, not good enough.  It makes me sad when I see him applauding other people but not having done that for me.

I need to just forget him and stop thinking about him and making myself sad.  

I agree that if one knows a shit load of stuff, they can have more confidence.  I need to stop having pity parties for myself.  I feel like my heart isn't really in anything and I kinda just bounce from being interested in one thing to another but it never stays on the same thing for long.

[Cathal]

@PepperBlossoms Reframe that hurting people is sometimes good for them - now you can almost make that really retarded in your mind and distort what i'm saying

but basically what i'm trying to say i is CONFRONTATION is better than fluffy nice messages for many many types of people.

having the love to speak up for something greater than your own discomfort

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 I need to stop having pity parties for myself. 

 

yes, this is important, pity is a coping mechanism when we believe we can't change. its a bit like envy like that, these are all limiting things that have to be overcome. 

also what you said,

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 my heart isn't really in anything and I kinda just bounce from being interested in one thing to another but it never stays on the same thing for long.

is really important to me because it basically gives the perfect context, you just lack integrity. you have things you value in your heart, but you feel emotionally too wavered to be consistent, that makes a lot of sense from your story. so there we go, building integrity inside of yourself by becoming involved and taking action - find the abundance in what gives you confidence and all these things seem to make less noise in your head

[itachi uchiha]

Read the book no more mr nice guy by robert groover and implement it

[Random witch]

There is no optimal way to treat everybody. Sometimes, what you call "fawning" is necessary, other times it's harmful and you must challenge stuff.

You can't handle all the interactions and situations the same way, this is why it's important to develop your intuition along with your self-expression and compassion.

Your intuition tells you how to deal with different scenarios, sometime you need to express exactly what you feel, in other times it might be dangerous so you need to act more strategically, sometimes you need to be compassionate and show empathy, being vulnerable, other times you have to be cold and detached. People who are highly intuitive, who are connected to their inner wisdom, which doesn't come from the logical and rational mind are more flexible in their behavior because again, there is no ultimate approach to all situations. Our inner self knows how to deal with everything, but most of us have limited awareness or access to it due to the socialization each of us went through. 

"Fawning" seems for me like a survival coping mechanism that people soaked in order to deal with life, I think that it is worth compassion, and bringing people's awareness to it without judging is the key. After all, if not by "fawning", we all screwed up in a certain way.

 

 

Edited March 5, 2022 by Random witch