How to be more ruthless and detached in dating

[Karmadhi]

Hello guys

I have noticed a trend in myself that i would like to correct. Some background information: I tend to have the anxious attachment style (with a bit of secure but still the anxious has more weight), i would be around stage orange 2/3 and 1/3 green and on the achiever stage of the ego development with some pluralist elements on them. My personality is ISTJ/INFJ (not sure). I am naturally introverted but i have done A LOT of socializing on the last 8 years or so and improvement my social skills massively. I am very social but bit low energy, i still smile, make jokes, laugh etc so i am not serious per say. I am 23 years old and male.

So the trend i notice is that whenever i get interested in a girl, especially a girl that i find potential in, i tend to get attached a bit fast. This becomes even more prevelant if the girl is also somewhat interested and i see that it could lead to something. I have little interests in casual hookups and even if i try to fuck a girl i do it with the end goal in mind of keeping her around. Sex is just the next step towards that.

The isse of course with this attachement is not only that is basically unhealthy but it also hurts your chances with the girls a lot. I have being treated quite badly by these girls, treated like i did not exist and gotten barely any respect. It felt horrible every time. I do not want to feel like that anymore.

 

How do i become more detached? Especially with girls i percieve to be great girls, rare girls that i do not meet often. By a great girl i mostly talk about personality. I find it much easier to find physically attractive girls (my physical standards are quite low naturally) compared to a girl with a personality that i really vibe with and like.  

I have noticed that the girls i did the best with were girls i barely cared about, those were the girls that were most attracted to me. I would like this to happen with girls i also like and am into a lot (both physically and emotionally).

The weird thing is that even if i percieve a girl around my "level" ( i hate using that word, it is so orange but i have to in order to express myself clearly here), then i still get attached. It is not just with girls i percieve about myself like Leo often says "stealing sexual value" which is very true.  I also feel it with girls that are around my percieved "level". This i find a bit weird. Maybe i am a bit arrogant and automatically percieve a girl to be great if i see her at my level since i subconsciously percieve myself to be great? Some of the things that make a girl great in my eyes are her feminine energy, sense of humour, swetness, knowledge, natural curiousity, interest in self development, spirituality, ambition, wisdom, positivity, integrity etc.

I know some of you guys will tell me to date multiple girls at once. However there are 2 issues with that. First it is quite hard to find the time to date AND get those dates in the first place. Even if i magically got 3 dates a week, i just dont have the time for it. I am very busy with other things at the moment, i just want a nice girl in my life and nothing more than that. I barely care about sleeping with hot girls or having harems.

Second, even if i had a rotation of girls i dated, i would just focus on that one girl of the rotation that i vibed with the most and barely care about the others. In the end i would not get what i really wanted anyway.

So what practices, mindsets, exercises etc would you guys suggest me in order to basically be detached in this whole process.

Detached in a healthy way ofc, not just closing your heart and becoming a robot.

Thank you

 

Edited March 4, 2022 by Karmadhi

[Spence94]

The higher level solution to this, is to build yourSelf up.

Do you have a lifes purpose you are passionate about?

Do you enjoy engaging in your lifestyle outside of dating?

Do you have cool friends you like to be with and hobbies you enjoy?

How happy are you by yourself?

Are you persuing women or are you attracting women? （ important distinction.)

Can you bring women onto your island or are you trying to get on their island? ie. Lead her in your world not her world.

How good are your generall communication and social skills in different social and business contexts including with strangers? How well can you communicate and intract with women （ including very attracive women) without hitting on them?

Do you have unhealed traumas, emotions and limiting beliefs that could be flaring up your 'pain body' in social interactions that need addressing?

Do you have a meditation practice that will make you more aware of yourself and give the space to let go and detach as well remain more calm and centered in social situations?

Working on these things alongside dating beautiful women results in having more confidence and being less attached to them. It takes time, but you gotta work on your Self first ultimatley.

Maybe you got all these things down, but if not, worth considering.

Edited March 4, 2022 by Spence94

[PepperBlossoms]

Not saying this is the best advice or even what is going on but maybe you fawn too much.  

The fawn is when someone is trying to people please, bend to the will of the other person, etc.  

The phrase "girls don't like nice guys" is maybe because the nice guy does too much fawning and not enough "fight", or not enough of just being himself, saying what he thinks, etc. 

[Karmadhi]

Ok a few more things i should have added: I kinda ignored dating for the first 21 years of my life and made most of my progress in the last 2 years or so. I have plenty of friends (both guys and girls), i workout regularly (i am in pretty good shape), i have things i enjoy doing like hobbies etc. I tend to do self development (meditating every day, reading books, watching Leo's and other youtubers videos, introspecting) and overall i would say my life is pretty well put together if i ignore the female aspects. I also am striving on starting working so i do have a clear purpose and goal in my mind right now and motivated towards it. However in order to fully actualize myself i need to fill this gap on my maslow hierarchy of needs otherwise it will be a problem.

Edited March 4, 2022 by Karmadhi

[PepperBlossoms]

Note that your partner may be just as messed up as you (in various ways) and that the best relationships are the ones where you can both grow together and keep on growing for years and years.

So even if someone seems "lower", you may just not know them well enough and also not know how bad you are at stuff too.

But meh yes I can see that we will have some people we say are way out of our league (either too high or too low) and that there is a happy medium to find so that you are both comfortable and don't feel "not good enough".

I think when you find a suitable partner, you won't feel so unrespected/alone - but also note that everyone will have things they need to work on and that some girls (myself included) will have lots of work to do when it comes to communication, working together, and being present/respectful.

If we had toxic/traumatic childhoods - we may tend to have even more to work on and be even worse partners... but over time, we can get better at that stuff but just note that it will be a very bumpy ride especially for the first few years

It is not the worst thing ever to start dating late and you are still starting sooner than some other people. We had various reasons for starting later such as not wanting to be humiliated by our parents for having romance, feeling stressed by our parents regarding focusing on grades/school/work, being shy, whatever.

[Gili Trawangan]

You just sound too eager. "I want to get this part of my life sorted"; "attracting a girl is just a means to finding my ideal relationship". This mindset is detrimental to what attraction is all about.

You should enjoy your interactions with girls all the way through without any long-term agenda. Be in the moment, accept whatever happens. Be willing to lose the girl, there's tons more where that one came from. By the way, this is the girl's mindset too. She doesn't give a shit about never seeing you again because she knows just how easy it is to find another dude who is attracted to her. Be like that.

[Karmadhi]

@Gili Trawangan Are you a girl?

Look i did that and it did not work. All i got is a bunch of friendszones. Being flirty and shit came so not naturally to me i had to basically change a lot to make it more natural. Actually i was not interested in girls for 21 years and yes nothing happened to me suprise suprise!!!!

All players see it this way, only girls dont. Which is why i asked u if u re a girl.

Also where am i supposed to find a shit lot of girls? I dont get harassed on social media by girls like girs do with guys. Im nothing special looking either so my female attention is quite low.

[Gili Trawangan]

5 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

@Gili Trawangan Are you a girl?

Look i did that and it did not work. All i got is a bunch of friendszones. Being flirty and shit came so not naturally to me i had to basically change a lot to make it more natural. Actually i was not interested in girls for 21 years and yes nothing happened to me suprise suprise!!!!

All players see it this way, only girls dont. Which is why i asked u if u re a girl.

Also where am i supposed to find a shit lot of girls? I dont get harassed on social media by girls like girs do with guys. Im nothing special looking either so my female attention is quite low.

No, not a girl. A guy with experience.

If you're looking for a quick fix, there isn't one. And you're not gonna find answers on a forum either. I mean, the solution has been given to you countless times: approach enough women until you get good at it, then you will have the confidence that you can get girls attracted to you and your neediness will gradually fade. But this takes time and effort. Time and effort approaching, analysing what you've done wrong, improving on sticking points, all of this whilst also working on the other aspects of your life.

It's not gonna happen overnight. The formula: approach, fail, analyse failure, improve approach, fail, analyse failure and repeat.

End result - after actually getting good: you become the kind of guy who knows he can get girls attracted wherever he goes and this permeates his whole vibe. Voila, you are now detached.

[Spence94]

14 hours ago, Spence94 said:

5 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

@Gili Trawangan Are you a girl?

Look i did that and it did not work. All i got is a bunch of friendszones. Being flirty and shit came so not naturally to me i had to basically change a lot to make it more natural. Actually i was not interested in girls for 21 years and yes nothing happened to me suprise suprise!!!!

All players see it this way, only girls dont. Which is why i asked u if u re a girl.

Also where am i supposed to find a shit lot of girls? I dont get harassed on social media by girls like girs do with guys. Im nothing special looking either so my female attention is quite low.

Do you have unhealed traumas, emotions and limiting beliefs that could be flaring up your 'pain body' in social interactions that need addressing?

 

 Looks like you get triggered by women. You need to get to the source of those attachments. You gotta heal that baggage, otherwise you're gunna get triggered and attached. You don't need some dating tactic to be more centered in yourself, women will cut through that instantly. 

You need to investigate what happened in those 21 years you weren't getting laid and get to the cause, let go and heal.

You gotta elevate your being game not your doing game.

Edited March 4, 2022 by Spence94

[Terell Kirby]

17 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

So the trend i notice is that whenever i get interested in a girl, especially a girl that i find potential in, i tend to get attached a bit fast.

This works against you of course. If you can't find a way to genuinely detach from whatever end result you want from a girl, at least display it in your external mannerism.

You are 23, be thankful for your youth. Keep circulating, dating more people and you'll naturally become less attached / needy for sex.

[Ulax]

Go check out David Tian's stuff for relationship type stuff. Avoid pua stuff like the plague re relationships.

[Karmadhi]

6 hours ago, Gili Trawangan said:

End result - after actually getting good: you become the kind of guy who knows he can get girls attracted wherever he goes and this permeates his whole vibe. Voila, you are now detached.

Most guys inherintely dont give a fuck, they dont do this. However lets assume im different and i need to do it. Issue is that i tend to get attached to great girls, not to girls in general. Most girls i dont care much tbh. So the solution is to try with girls i really like and get better in time? Where can i find such an abudance of high quality girls? 

 

3 hours ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

ou are essentially asking for/wanting two opposite things - so you shouldn't be too surprised with your lack of results.

What advice would you give me?

 

 

4 hours ago, Terell Kirby said:

This works against you of course. If you can't find a way to genuinely detach from whatever end result you want from a girl, at least display it in your external mannerism.

I dont show it externally, it is internal especially after we meet. During the meeting i am not really attached, it is after that you start getting attached.

 

[Terell Kirby]

23 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

I dont show it externally, it is internal especially after we meet.

This will work for now .. be confident externally, and work on your internal attachment issues by introspection / shadow work.

[Karmadhi]

31 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

internal attachment issues by introspection / shadow work.

This is exactly what i wanted to know. How to work on it internally. Any advice for it?

[universe]

Relax. It's normal to become needy in the beginning. Just date more and eventually things will get better.

Work on Emotional Mastery in the meantime.

Was is really bad that this girl rejected you? No - it was great because now you can find another better one!

Do you feel alone and feel like shit? Great now you can sit with this feeling of being alone and learn to allow it. By doing that you increase your ability to accept and feel all emotions.

Of course it also helps to have a life purpose and hobbies etc.

[Karmadhi]

28 minutes ago, universe said:

Relax. It's normal to become needy in the beginning. Just date more and eventually things will get better.

I wanna be like my detached friends. They got basically not that much experience but they just dont care. I want to be like that. Makes life much easier.

28 minutes ago, universe said:

Work on Emotional Mastery in the meantime.

Any sources to learn that except Leo's video on it?

29 minutes ago, universe said:

Was is really bad that this girl rejected you? No - it was great because now you can find another better one!

I usually get attached with girls i percieve to be great, those are really really hard to find. 

29 minutes ago, universe said:

Do you feel alone and feel like shit? Great now you can sit with this feeling of being alone and learn to allow it. By doing that you increase your ability to accept and feel all emotions.

I do not mind being alone at all. However i want to experience all of life and this domain is a big part of it.

 

29 minutes ago, universe said:

Of course it also helps to have a life purpose and hobbies etc.

I do have those, no worries. Friends too!

[universe]

1 hour ago, Karmadhi said:

Any sources to learn that except Leo's video on it?

The questions I just asked you. It helps to question your beliefs and feel your feelings.

There is also my topic on Integrating Emotions which goes more in depth.

Which video of Leo do you mean exactly?

 

Quote

I usually get attached with girls i percieve to be great, those are really really hard to find. 

As I said. That's normal. As the reward goes up, your neediness follows.

This very belief is what is keeping you needy.

No - They are easy to find and they come to you. You don't even have to search for them  

 

Quote

I do not mind being alone at all.

So you don't mind being alone for the rest of your life at all? 

[something_else]

On 05/03/2022 at 1:02 AM, Karmadhi said:

I wanna be like my detached friends. They got basically not that much experience but they just dont care. I want to be like that. Makes life much easier.

For some people it just comes natural

For others the only way to detach really is to build up a sense of abundance. If you feel like you’re only meeting women you’re attracted to rarely, you’re gonna get super needy when you do meet them

There isn’t really a quick solution to this, it just kinda comes with experience and with talking to lots and lots of girls

[Cathal]

@Karmadhi you are missing the point here i think, you want to feel accepted for who you are and that's all you truly want my friend but you don't allow yourself to vulnerable enough for that to happen so now you are torturing yourself trying so hard to be detached away from it - and if you ignore this, you will go on trying and trying and trying to be something you're not, running around in circles wondering why you can't satisfy this deep need to connect because you miss the fundamental - allowing authenticity to express itself, you are not being authentic so you will suffer the consequences

what hurts on the inside? how do you feel, did you run away from the pain of rejection, being unwanted? all those things are the truth. those emotions, need to be let go of, worked on, understood, catharted

all this shit in your head is bullshit protecting you and keeping you locked up in a prison disconnected from people