Interactions on this forum

[Preety_India]

Keeping a tab on my interaction with this forum. 

[Preety_India]

My relationship with this forum is important to me. 

Because it influences me in many ways. 

It's also a place I use for interacting. More than any other. 

Because this is the place I meet people from other countries. I need to be careful how I interact. 

 

[Preety_India]

The forum is just a wake up call that places like these aren't safe for the best and wisest of people too. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

10 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 I feel like I'm always in a paradoxical trap when I'm giving advice to people. This paradox is trying to be fair and not be rough at the same time. It's difficult to balance these two sides. 

Often when I read my own advice(that I offer someone) it appears a bit tough or rough. I wouldn't call it harsh because it doesn't have any harsh words yet the tone is a bit rough. 

The problem is this. I want to be able to help (without getting too personal with someone), and at the same time I don't want to be inauthentic. I don't want to appear polite for the sake of being polite. Truth is bitter and truth hurts yet some people need a dose of reality and truth. I don't want to be a "yes" person and appease their ego because that means I'm enabling their behavior or situation. 

I tend to be as direct as possible in my opinion because I see a lot of people trying to be diplomatic and smooth and vague and beating around the bush. I don't like this attitude because if everyone did that, then the person looking for help does not have a clear cut direction on their situation based on the responses, and this can further confuse them and make their situation worse rather than better. 

My advice generally has a tone of something a mother would say to a child when she sees or senses that the child will/would end up with more harm and she tries to be strict with the kid so that they realize that their mistakes are deadly. I mean I think from this angle. 

The problem is some people take it too personally and it flies over their head, their ego cannot handle my critical tone, so they straight up ignore it, feel threatened by it (again an ego reaction) or they have a massive ego backlash against my response. It results into either a fight or argument or the person not taking my advice seriously or ignoring it or thinking that I'm hurting them or being condescending to them. 

The problem is that this is their ego mind having a backlash. Which prevents them from seeing the clarity in the situation. They simply want validation and don't care about the truth. Such interactions are hard for me to handle. Because I don't want to be a "yes" person. I want to be a "no" person. It might appear critical yet the intention behind it is to actually help and wake up that person to see reality of their situation so they don't fuck up.

(you can't really help people in a public setting, that's what it comes down to, nor can you please everyone at the same time if you actually helped ) 

This also comes from my own wounds because I never had a person to tell me where I was going wrong, nobody to correct my situations in life causing me to end up with multiple trauma and wounds. Since people didn't care enough that I was going the wrong path. 

I don't want the same fate for others. So my natural empathy causes me to be extra strict so that people understand that they need to take their life seriously or they would end up regretting their past mistakes the way I did. 

Now there are lots of people who give airy fairy "non working" advice just to sound cool and agreeable. That's superficial in my eyes. I can do that too. But I want to keep it real. I want to be straight, not vague, cut straight to the chase, I want to keep it real, I want the person to feel a raw emotion so they realize they are bullshitting themselves without being too tough. I feel like people who offer superficial suggestions or act cool/agreeable rather than being direct are beating around the bush with their vague friendly answers and I  see this as a dishonesty, disservice to the OP(the one who is asking for help), and I see them doing more harm than good since they are only causing the person to either remain confused or not do anything substantial about their situation, which will eventually lead to a downspiral. It all looks cool to look at(when you read), but it doesn't serve the real purpose of actually helping the person. Most of these responses are cliche responses that anyone can write in a vague stupor, although they look empathetic because of how nonchalant and agreeable these responses are when read, yet they lack deep and real empathy. It might not sound fun but real empathy is actually very harsh, I know it's difficult to believe. A person who is really empathetic is going to be tough on you, rather than appease you. 

The problem with a reality based empathetic approach is that the recipient of such advice finds it condescending and ignores it. Meanwhile I'm not trying to be condescending at all, I'm just trying to make that person "wake the fuck up" and understand and deal with reality before it's too late. I just want to keep it real and not be superficial and vague about it, given that it's a single interaction and I won't be in a therapy setting with a person, I take my role seriously in a single post. I want it to be concise and cut straight to the chase and offer them real meat rather than an illusion. So I try to be as specific as possible and no beating around the bush. 

So I'm torn between appeasing a person's ego versus going against my own conscience. My conscience doesn't allow me to hold back and tell a person lies or be indirect, ambiguous and vague with them and leave them confused. My conscience wants to tell them the truth direct to their face, whether they care to listen or not. So this is a moral dilemma (paradox) for me because the consequence is that it affects my reputation in the process. It's like being a whistle blower who gets fired from the company. 

Of course I can be as soft as possible. But the question arises that being soft will definitely make me look less of a thorn, but will it really do the job its supposed to do. Because being soft is also similar to being vague, the person doesn't get charged enough or serious enough to change their situation if I'm soft with them. I don't want to Molly cuddle. 

So there's a price to pay when you're trying to be real, direct, simple, serious and tough with people. They take it too personally or they think it's condescending. But some people are benefitted, especially those who have tolerance for reality/truth and are more open to receiving it. They don't mind and they are also more ready, more responsive to such advice, more willing to implement the advice, so it becomes like a teamwork. 

The problem is that you're dealing with strangers on this forum all the time who have just created an account. These are the ones that make up the majority of help seekers. You can't screen them or have the opportunity to get to know them before suggesting them something. For example if I have interacted with a person a hundred dozen times, I already have some idea about their body language, how they receive and respond to specific information, what works for them and what doesn't so I tailor my response based on what suits them best. Yet this intuitive approach that I generally use fails with newbies because there's no way for me to ascertain how they're going to take my advice or what kind of person they are. So it might happen that I say something that triggers their trauma absolutely unintentionally and without me realizing that and the person ends up feeling hurt or closed off to the advice etc. 

This is tricky and Paradoxical. Because you want to be direct without being harsh but at the same time directness and truthfulness are bitter, harsh and hurtful in their design. They aren't baked to be soft, they are supposed to be raw for the impact they create. And if you tried to be soft, then the quality of truth is lost, since it is largely ignored by the Ego when it contradicts it's insecurities and fears (rather than validating which the ego wants) and thus its emotional impact is nullified causing the person to completely ignore the message and shoot the messenger instead. 

Also when people are vague, it creates the paradox of the "map versus territory," they are simply pointing to the map and not the territory. 

It's difficult to be genuine while being soft. 

 

 

10 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Or is there greater wisdom in saving my reputation instead of trying too hard?

It goes to show that forums like these just aren't the best places to either receive or give advice because they don't have the right setting or design. 

One thing I can do is to keep a balance between tact and vagueness. Try to be tactful meanwhile not being too vague. 

 

 

8 hours ago, Spence94 said:

Seems you care and are commpassionate.  How people recieve you is their karma, not yours. If you attach to it, you become more entangled in it than needs be. Of course your actions can be adapted depending on the nature of the situation and you're own level of resonance and understanding, using your intelligence and wisdom. But in the end, they're on their journey, you're on yours.

At different stages of peoples journeys and the nature of their situation, something like this forum will play different degrees of significance. If multiple people comment on a post, all with thier own style, their own heart, their own understanding, perhaps something will resonate with them deeply, either one specific comment or a multitude of understanding that has resulted from the topic, combined with their life experience at the time in their imediate experience, but you will not truly know what's happening on the othe side.

Wisdom can be very simple. Trying too hard is counter to wisdom. Maybe it's not about saving your reputation, but acting from the place of wisdom, which naturally is effortless. That doesn't mean you can not give people straight, real and direct answers you feel they need, but it's still effortless. Fom that place, on the contrary, it may lead you to ease off in your attempts, giving simpler advice at times that could appear more "vague" or not full, depending on who reads it. It's not just the person who starts the topic who might read it and transform from it, but the others who read it. Not that you should't try your best to listen and directly respond to the person who started the topic and is directly asking for advice, you should but the point is, we are all connected, one word can make the difference, at the same time, there is a lot more happening that is giving the conditions for someone to recieve advice, insight, transformation so one shouldn't get hung up on how their message is recieved or wether or not other people are giving them the right kind of advice, one should just use their greatest intelligence of the moment. The heart is the best place to reside when giving advice, however that manifests will be unique each time but how it does is not your concern, neither is the way it is recieved. As one grows and learns the offering from the heart becomes finer and wiser.

<3

 

[Adndnadan]

7 hours ago, Preety_India said:

The forum is just a wake up call that places like these aren't safe for the best and wisest of people too. 

 

How so?

[Adndnadan]

7 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Keeping a tab on my interaction with this forum. 

Yeah, be mindful of your approach towards systems, acquire a deeper understanding of it, as well as your place in it before making changes within it.

 

[Preety_India]

Being mindful is imp. 

[Adndnadan]

Maybe. Or is that a joke?

 

[Preety_India]

Leave my journal alone. 

Don't flood it with comments. 

 

[Preety_India]

I like interactions like this or questions like this, because they're benign. 

 

They allow me to have an opinion without getting into trouble. 

The problem with opinions is that you need to have an extremely open environment for them to be accepted without too much fuss. 

The internet is not a great environment for opinions. Majority of unpopular opinions are immediately shot down. Cancel culture in full force. 

As much as we want to respect feelings, every perspective should have its place. The only thing that shouldn't a have place is Lies. 

Today the media is blatantly lying about a lot of things. This will come to a head one day. 

Right now I'm more focused on making my forum interactions more pleasurable, fun, benign and smooth. With enough social tact and balance of both vagueness and tact. 

I don't want to be too diplomatic because I don't like how it clashes with my inner values. But at the same time I don't want to be too sharp to the point of condescending. I want a proper balance so I don't appear cold or unempathetic. The best way to achieve this is to be as neutral as possible and keep it short and crisp. No more ranting. 

A very public forum is a very complex environment. You find it difficult to control emotions. 

It's important to have a good filter in place to filter threads based on what reactions they're looking for. 

A good pilot test would be to first look at how I naturally respond to a question or thread, write it down somewhere and then proofread and scan it again to look for obvious mistakes. This way you reduce the tendency to hurt or get hurt. 

Use non violent communication and as much tact as possible. Don't be too free with emotions. 

I didn't realize until now that I could be offending someone. When someone said to me they're offended I was a bit surprised honestly.

I can't be extremely polite or gentle. It's hard. Feels like a sucker. At the same time I have to think that this is a public forum. Perhaps reputation is a bit important here? 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 3, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

These days I'm extremely careful about how I approach the forum. I don't like unnecessary arguments. It distracts me. The problem is that a lot of questions are such that it's hard to not argue. 

Especially questions where a personal opinion is asked. 

For example if someone says, let's say a woman that she is stuck in an abusive relationship, my go-to response is to tell her to get out of that relationship, however other people might think it's too early or too sharp of a response. They might feel like I'm encouraging a break up. 

So it's best to leave such threads. 

Engage in threads where I don't need to say "don't do this" or "don't do that" but more like "see this is what you can do." that's positive communication. 

I have realized that people don't like hearing the word "don't" 

 

[Preety_India]

Questions like these are nice. They aren't specifically looking for an opinion. 

 

[Preety_India]

Another thing I need to focus on is to decomplicate things as much as possible. 

Don't make it overly complicated with a lot of stuff on the plate. I know I want to learn as much as possible. But don't push. Don't get greedy. Keep it minimum. 

Try to decomplicate. 

 

[Preety_India]

Be more used to peace. And less used to arguments. 

I think this has to do with my upbringing. 

I'm more used to arguments and fighting because I was raised by fighting parents. I never knew what peace actually looked like. 

As a result my default state became - "fight." 

So even if I don't like arguments, I still tend to attract it because that's how my psyche was shaped.. 

Not having that fight can give me withdrawal symptoms.. 

Maybe if I got more used to peace, I would be a different person. 

 

[Preety_India]

Have an escape strategy. 

Try to escape things that are toxic rather than being stuck with it.. 

Think of escape as a good thing rather than a weakness. 

 

[Preety_India]

I see superiority, egotism and self bias and it goes deep. 

Condescending, patronizing, supremacy based and not neutral. 

Lot of entitlement and self bias. 

Premature growth. Talks like a 50 year old. 

 

 

Edited March 5, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

•✿✿✿⊱✸⊰✿✿✿•

 •⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰•

•⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰••••••••••••••••••••••••••⊱⊱⊱⊱✸⊰⊰⊰⊰• ...

There will always be stuff that is triggering. Don't pay attention to it and ignore it first and foremost. 

Since triggering content is allowed, you don't have much of an option other than to simply go with it.

But this is the internet. It can't be completely censored. Plus you can't lose the advantage of being here just because of the triggering content. How to detect the devil? Divide content into two parts - triggering and non triggering. Only deal with the non triggering part. Do not respond to the triggering part since it upsets you. Don't even deal with it and you know the best solution for the devil is misery/inaction. 

Whenever the devil tries too hard, remember this song and it's tune. Imagine the devil throwing things at you and you simply deflecting it so badly the devil cries oooooooooof. 

Beauty queen of only eighteen, she had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles, and wound up at your door
I've had you so many times, but somehow I want more

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Tap on my window, knock on my door, I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure, it doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open, you come anytime you want, yeah

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide, alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls, yeah

Tap on my window, knock on my door, I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while

And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Yeah, yeah
I don't mind spending every day (Ooh, ooh)
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
(Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)

Btw this guy sings better. 

 

 

•✿✿✿⊱ ♥♥♥✿✿♥♥♥✿✿♥♥♥ ⊰✿✿✿•

•✿✿✿⊱ ♥♥♥✿✿♥♥♥✿✿♥♥♥ ⊰✿✿✿•

 

•✿✿✿⊱ ♥♥♥✿✿♥??✳️✳️??♥✿✿♥♥♥ ⊰✿✿✿•

 

 

 

•✿✿✿⊱????✳️?✳️????⊰✿✿✿•

 

•✿✿✿⊱????✳️?✳️????⊰✿✿✿•

 

 

 

•✿✿✿⊱????✳️?✳️????⊰✿✿✿•

 

•✿✿✿⊱????✳️?✳️????⊰✿✿✿•

•✿✿✿⊱????✳️?✳️????⊰✿✿✿•

 

 

•✿✿✿⊱????✳️?✳️????⊰✿✿✿•

 

•✿✿✿⊱????✳️?✳️????⊰✿✿✿•

Edited March 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Just focus on the positive. 

 

•✿✿✿⊱ ♥♥♥✿✿♥♥♥✿✿♥♥♥ ⊰✿✿✿•

 

•✿✿✿⊱????✳️?✳️????⊰✿✿✿•

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

•✿✿✿⊱????✳️?✳️????⊰✿✿✿•

 

[Preety_India]

 

•✿✿✿⊱ ♥♥♥✿✿♥♥♥✿✿♥♥♥ ⊰✿✿✿•