The void, souls, unity... LSD. n,n-DMT...

[RMQualtrough]

As many know, nobody ever really comes back from a serious DMT breakthrough.

Even though the memory of the heaviest breakthrough ever is so faded that I can only recall about 3 seconds of it, hazily, I still try to understand what happened. I remember the euphoric afterglow... I remember knowing I am not more important than a single grain of sand, but also not less important than an entire solar system.

I remember understanding right aftef that spiritual practices are a waste of life, as everyone is equal and their entire lifetime of spirituality/good deeds erased when they die.

I remember speaking to Shiva (I was VERY heavily materialistic, had zero spiritual leaning, and in fact Hindu characters have always looked frightening to me). I thought it was a woman. I know now it's a man... I remember Googling "monist religions" (yes the ego death was SO intense from the 5 tab acid DMT combo that I became religious) and then finding Advaita Vedanta for the first time. I remember reading a lot about it then. I remember the dissociation and awful derealization that began after further usage.

...

But I remember it was very "we" are one. I have tripped so much, on LSD alone (rather than the acid DMT combos I became religious due to) I had similar abstract realizations of repetition, and of "slithers of being", like I am slither #1948127 in some infinite honeycomb. My own being split into various characters. All had their own personalities and spoke among themselves in the voice of the Friends characters. They were all distinct aspects of me...

I had a programmable synth. You program a beat into each square and it plays them in order. I had an abstract acid thought that my entire existence is like that. Where I am programmed into squares like this and I in fact die every single moment.

A clown jester PROVED my inherent emptiness to me. It did not just tell me. It pointed at the formless me in the foreground and I was pulled far back. Back behind even my ego. Back behind even the thought of "I", an experiential neti-neti process where I was left as literal nothing... But I also remember the ego deaths where the sense of any locale died and my consciousness became sizeless and all encompassing.

...

But back to the main trips where I did heavy acid trips with the DMT smoked on the peak...

I have forever been trying to understand those experiences since. There was certainly oneness and unity. But a "we". "We are existence itself, we are eternal" etc. Rather than "I" am. "We" are literally one... When sober I cannot comprehend that simultaneous separation ("we") and the absolute total unity ("are one" - literally) that accompanied.

Maybe it's not comprehensible... Laughing with what was at the time stupendously obvious to the point it was hilarious: "I know, they (other living beings) don't even realize they're us!!!" Stifling fits of laughter...