Then what ?

[Yobenm]

Hi everyone !

First off I'd like to point out that I know writing this post is just part of delaying what I seek. I still feel compelled in a sense to share my feelings and ask questions so I'll do it anyway.

Lately I've been feeling on the edge of a breakthrough, or dare I say it, maybe a first step to enlightenment. I feel constant progress in my mediatations and old feelings in my body are really begining to shift. I can observe myself more easily and perceive better what I currently identify as my ego.
While I do i'm able to hold that inner image of myself, that I largely consider limiting, and see it change to something lighter and expand.

I feel that if I continue exactly the way I do I might get wherever I feel I have to get. I don't know if my instincts are correct but the way I would describe my approch is like I'm digging inside myself to get to some pulling (even crunching) gravitational core I feel inside.

Well anyway, here you got the context. Now on the other hand I still feel some confusing things. I have this deep "And then what" feeling that keeps popping. Si I meditate on it and it goes for a time. But in the end it really feels it's a crucial part of me. Some kind of nihilistic sollipsistic feeling that as a train of thought would go like: "Yeah ok, Infinity is great, how amazing is it that everything is possible. But then what ? It's all still a story, and instead of feeling alone and purposeless that's just what I am ? What's the point ? Do I expect to dwell in rapture, then get bored and go back to a frustrating story ? I get why I'm fooling myself with this lousy and lost ego, nothing better to do anyway, just enjoy the fucking ride"

Maybe it looks really negative put that way, but I really feel like my whole life has this kind of premise hidden at its core. I do see where it's false, but it keeps coming back. That and the fact that I feel quite hermetic to basically anyone. It's not that I don't like people. But people I do like I don't know how to really communicate with and never really have. No need to mention those I don't know. The more I go forward in my spiritual journey, the more it seems obvious. I feel resistance from me. In a way it's like I actually want to be alone. I meditate on this, but it's really easily triggered. I mean it's to the point often someone would address me and I would feel anger. It also seems impossible to express to others how I conceive of myself and reality. Not that there is shame or whatever. It's beyond that, it just feels pointless and kind of off the point actually, and then it feels it's necessary. There's a kind of mental loneliness that I don't suffer from (Its part of what I've felt as myself from my earliest memories, some kind of metaphysical helplessness) but I feel it's hampering me. I guess that's why I'm writing this right now.

Well I expected there would be more questions in this post. I'd be glad if some of you could share your thoughts on this, if any.

[Barna]

Living is a mature form of entertainment. It's the game of gods. And what else would you do? Would you rather turn off the game (die) and meditate forever in the darkness? 

Of course, it's all pointless. That's the point. This way it's not a mistake to do anything you want.

Appreciate it. That's the main thing that's missing from your perspective: just a little appreciation that experiences, no matter how foolish those are, exist.  

[Yobenm]

3 minutes ago, Barna said:

And what else would you do? Would you rather turn off the game (die) and meditate forever in the darkness?

Actually I think I kind of implicitly associate enlightenment with death and still crave for it...

 

6 minutes ago, Barna said:

Of course, it's all pointless. That's the point. This way it's not a mistake to do anything you want.

This hits the spot, I think there are things I'd like to do and don't just out of fear and morality.

[Barna]

8 hours ago, Yobenm said:

Actually I think I kind of implicitly associate enlightenment with death and still crave for it...

There's a misunderstanding here. Being enlightened doesn't mean being dead. Being enlightened means simply not resisting life. 
But some people have to experience death during meditation or psychedelics, so that life can restart flowing back into them, but without resistance this time. 

8 hours ago, Yobenm said:

This hits the spot, I think there are things I'd like to do and don't just out of fear and morality.

Exactly. Probably that's why you were born here  

[_Archangel_]

@Yobenm Hi

 

10 hours ago, Yobenm said:

I have this deep "And then what" feeling that keeps popping. Si I meditate on it and it goes for a time. But in the end it really feels it's a crucial part of me. Some kind of nihilistic sollipsistic feeling that as a train of thought would go like: "Yeah ok, Infinity is great, how amazing is it that everything is possible. But then what ? It's all still a story, and instead of feeling alone and purposeless that's just what I am ? What's the point ?

 The Ego is supposed to be an instrument that God uses to experience itself, so it is natural that it thinks in utilitaristic terms.
It's just it's activity. ----------------> if if it doesn't find any "reasons why", this can be considered a threat its survival---------------> Nihilism negative.

Purpose is always created and crafted, don't treat it as something that is out there in the world.

 

10 hours ago, Yobenm said:

That and the fact that I feel quite hermetic to basically anyone. It's not that I don't like people. But people I do like I don't know how to really communicate with and never really have. No need to mention those I don't know. The more I go forward in my spiritual journey, the more it seems obvious. I feel resistance from me. In a way it's like I actually want to be alone. I meditate on this, but it's really easily triggered. I mean it's to the point often someone would address me and I would feel anger. It also seems impossible to express to others how I conceive of myself and reality. Not that there is shame or whatever. It's beyond that, it just feels pointless and kind of off the point actually, and then it feels it's necessary.

I kind of relate to it.
But do you still feel hurt from the time that you understood that Santa Claus doesn't exist?
I willing to bet that now you have a good time at Christmas anyway when you recieve the presents. 
It will get better.

[John Paul]

10 hours ago, Yobenm said:

This hits the spot, I think there are things I'd like to do and don't just out of fear and morality.

ask the light what those things are since you are meditating so well!! and then do it!!!!