Holy ****!!!

[FirstglimpseOMG]

It's pretty much been the strangest two weeks of my life. I've been following Leo's specific Enlightenment videos, along with all the Ego stuff & the Illusion stuff for maybe 8 or 10 months now. Got interested in all the quantum & consciousness & spirituality stuff 4 or 5 years ago through Robert Lanza's site originally, but got busy & distracted & lost interest. So, for almost a year now, I've rediscovered my passion for Truth  & very enjoyably rekindled a curiosity that has had me reading books and watching lectures like crazy. 

I had a non-dual flash mid-summer, & have been kind of wound up & unstoppable with the search for some real understanding of the True nature of reality and existence and 'one consciousness' & unity fields and all the good wild mind-bending stuff since then. Funniest thing... two weeks ago I had this big, let-down moment when I realized that pretty much other than a 'one consciousness' flash & aha moment in the summer, the rest of my feverish seeking and discovering had been nothing but quesswork, assumptions, conceptualizing, conjecture, postering, misplaced egoic pride, and pretty useless general gum-flapping. I was all deflated and defeated suddenly it seemed, & I can't really remember why. I guess I realized I was full of shit, & had basically been verbally masturbating all over this forum for weeks since I re-engaged here. I had resigned myself to the fact that a general apology was likely in order, as I knew that I actually had not contributed anything... except more conjecture really. I likely muddied rather than clarified anything regarding my experience or 'quest', and I realized that I was really very confused, & not helping anything by trying to be cute & entertaining & posting like a had a fucking clue about anything.

So, I do apologize. I did mean well, but realized that most of my posts were pretty blatantly egoic & somewhat self-important.

Anyhoo, brilliant me finally decides to read Leo's guide to Enlightenment, & then I went for the list of Enlightenment exercises. Wow, pretty great stuff, & I had a strong feeling it was time to actually DO some of the work of experiencing something directly, or at least getting a better grasp of what the hell was going on. 

So... I dive in, I'm loving the exercises, reading them all with a bit if a rush of new-found excitement at finally getting off my ass to do something other than speculate, when I get all messed up with the one where you are to put your finger in line with your eye and an object and slowly draw the imaginary line from object to you with the finger.

Wonderful. Then I read this snappy shit at the end there where he says "There is no eyeball for that matter.

For cryin' out loud! Waddya mean there's no EYEBALLL! It was fun until I just about poked my eye out. Not really, but my mind was SCREAMING... Fak! How can there be no goddamn eyeball when my fingertip is touching my lashes now & making my eyelid flutter in protecting this so-called non-existent eyeball. AAaargh! Gaahhh!

A day or two of listless, defeated & confused interior whining & pondering follow the eyeball thing. 

Then Leo puts out his Rant Against Naive Realism & I actually run across it on Sunday in the wee hours of the morning, totally by accident while farting around youtube. 

I watch it. Leo decimates my ego by 'tricking the student onto the path' by disguising the heavy wisdom in a Rant video.

Nice one Leo, thank you for what you do, you finally got through to me.

Just watch the damn thing again, & when he says 'literally', take it as meaning LITERALLY. 

Ego goes bye-bye, (comes right back in again,) but THIS time, I understand it's illusive nature for real (finally), and will never be fooled again. 3 straight days of dealing with that. It WILL scare the shit out of you, but it's such a wicked and all-encompassing paradigm shift that you'll rush to meditate deeper and explore much further! Not much more to be said... thanks all, for the opportunity to relate & learn here on this amazing forum. Open your mind up (really though), and keep doing the work. I'd strongly suggest re-watching every one of Leo's Enlightenment videos, finishing up with this latest rant.

Thanks again Leo, you have a way of teaching that is ...well, I'm speechless (apparently not, haaa)!

Uh.. ..did you ever consider releasing the heavy-duty life-shattering stuff like, on a Friday maybe, rather than a Monday, lmao? My poor decimated self had to go into the office for 3 days & try to quit thinking about this stuff until I got home! 

Edited January 19, 2017 by FirstglimpseOMG

[FirstglimpseOMG]

This is so confusing. So strange for the ego to stretch this far. So daunting in the moments of realizing the depths of ignorance. It's good to be off work and have the evening to begin working on adjustments in consciousness and to begin searching for some of the actual aha!, direct experiences that will start the systematic illusion shred. Weird to feel the need to 'work up' to even looking at phenomenal experiences that were always taken to be entirely something else, let alone be after direct experiences in the moment! Uncomfortable and perturbing to be so new at trying to dismantle the old way of being.

This is great fun, a wicked challenge, and scary as hell all at once.

And confusing, in that good kind of way.

Time to go play with Leo's list of Enlightenment exercises! ?

 

[FirstglimpseOMG]

That whole 'self-consistency' thing is intriguing! 

I get so lost lol!

 

[SLICKHAWK]

Thank you for that insight