*TRIP REPORT* of going to hell, to the point of suicide.

[Forza21]

I lately wrote the topic " I woke to the GOD. Death is the only whey to forget?'  (sorry for my English, i'm not a native speaker)

Thank you so much for all your help there, and also i want to send all the love to :  @Kksd74628 @Godishere @Tim R

They helped me on priv, so much!! i don't know what would i do, without them.

 

Background: i've had spiritual experience for over 2-3 years, 16-17 trips, (lsd,shrooms,dmt). I mediate every day, lately for 2h a day. Also, I've had some retreats, on which it was 7-8h meditation daily.

Almost every tip, till last, was pretty easy, some were challenging, but overall it was rather calm. I've experienced pure nothingness, no-dual states, i've seen my reflection in face on my girlfriend, i had God experience on DMT, when everything and everyone dispreaded, there was no time, only infinity etc. It was all ok.

Dosage: 3 days ago, i took 250 uq LSD.  I had one trip on 400uq, and it was nothing like that.

Trip: After 1h i went to the God state. To the point, I exactly saw God everywhere. The floor was made of God, air was pure God, walls were God, which obviously is all me. I knew that, there was no going back, cause even if i go to the hospital, i can't meet anyone other than God, which is me. If I take some pills, it's going to be only self-deception to forget.  I was deceiving my-self all the time, that i'm not God, it was obvious to me.

it was all fine, i knew it was the case. But then i went to the bedroom, to talk with my girlfriend, she took LSD too.

She was in GOD-state as well. She told me, that "I'm God" i don't why, but i felt like God, which is me, perfectly designed every aspect of my life, from birth, to this moment, and now, it's speaking to me, by the mouth of my girlfriend. 

I sat down on the bed, to look outside the window.... and all the people in the next building were gone. All the lights in their flats went down. I said "what? Am i really GOD?" there's no-one else? , she said, "yes".  Then all the buildings collapsed into me. Weather started to change pretty rapid. Time stopped. Out of my pure imagination. I was 100% sure, that my-small-self died, and i'm out of the dream and i can't go back.  There was only face of my girlfriend left. So i said, " really? i was God all my life? i'm dead now?" And then something happened, which shocked me to the core. That was the moment i felt like i want to go back, and forget. That was the moment i regret that i was even alive.

The horror: i looked at my girlfriend eyes.  It was all sparky with life as always, but suddenly it was gone. I was looking to the dead eyes, completely without a life. The woman i love, was not only dead, but she was empty and shallow. Dark. Void.  She was like a withered flower. Like empty costume.  It was the most horrifying things i saw in all my life.  I was all alone, staring into the empty void of my girlfriend's eyes. Every fucking horror is a joke compare to that.  With tears i asked " are you there?" and then i saw like life is going back to her. Her eyes went sparky again. But at that point, all the solipsism horror was unbearable. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted only cease to exist. I don't want to live with knowledge like that. I don't want to be alive with costume-people. It was pure-fuckig-madness-hell.

My post on forum: At this moment I tried to write a post here, on the forum. But i knew, i couldn't get any advice from no one, because even actualize.com and Leo Gura is pure fucking imagination, only to cheat me into thinking, that there are others. I'm here, alone, trapped in this empty-shallow-world, to the infinity. It's Only me. I can't die, i can't escape.  I wrote every music there is, i wrote every book, it was always only me!! fuck!  i wanted to know infinity, and it turned out to be fucking back-mirror-hell.

I wrote this post anyway, but i knew, i was talking only to my-self, and my infinite imagination.

After the trip: Next 48h i couldn't sleep. I was crying, and shacking on the floor. I couldn't eat. I wanted only to die, and forget. 

Right now: People on this forum helped me with going through this. Today, after 6-7h of sleep, i'm back to the "old-self" and i don't see imagination and God everywhere. Thank God!

Any idea what went wrong, and how do i integrate this?  You guys said God-realization it's all about love, and i got fucking horror X1000 to the infinity. 

Thank you, for all your support. 

Personally, i think my "ego" still corrupts this forum solipsism, and i feel it through an illusion of separated self. But i don't know.

Edited March 1, 2022 by Forza21

[Thought Art]

Rest up 

Edited March 1, 2022 by Thought Art

[Leo Gura]

@Forza21 Lay off the psychedelics and turn your mind elsewhere. You're just struggling to integrate.

It is about Love but your mind is too selfish, attached, and fearful to see that yet.

You are experiencing God-realization through a thick layer of ego and fear. Which is why it freaks you out and you don't see the Love. You need to do a lot more work letting things before you realize the Love.

[Forza21]

6 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Forza21 Lay off the psychedelics and turn your mind elsewhere. You're just struggling to integrate.

It is about Love but your mind is too selfish and attached to see that yet.

 

yes, i'm not touching it for at least a year, and i'm going to be more loving for everyone. Only love can save me.  I'm going to do some meditation only.  Thanks

[Kshantivadin]

@Forza21  A year or so of rest helped me integrate. Wish you all the best.

[Forza21]

20 hours ago, A_v_E said:

Synchronicity of those kinds of events also happened to me.
You are probably filled with a lot of egoic beliefs. ( which is absolutely fine )

Rest, and don't be so certain of what you've seen.
Lay off psychedelic for even a year.

Even if you were "awake" you'll need to build solid ground
my advice is build it solid, before jumping in the water again.

Don't meditate, ground yourself in what seems to be "objective reality"
read more, maybe get some leo basic stuff, maybe do some art work.

Let truth now come to you, don't force it with powerful tools.

Pure infinity is really tough to integrate for ego.
it's not a joke to be tooled with, some got awakening without any psychedelics, by pure spiritual work.

the ego is basicly living off a tiny lense to make sense, and psychedelics shatter the illusion produced by the ego, by amplifying some part of it ( or the contrary, it can be moving from a lot to nothing ).

turning up the button to infinity can produce strong feelings on what seems to be believed by the ego

I m not denying what you've seen, but that could be another story.
Inquiry.
 

Thank you sir!
i don't know, should i even meditate or not? i'm a little anxious of what happened, my ego couldn't stomach it, so it kicked soo hard. I need to slowly dissolve it in love and care.  And you are so right, i need to take step back and ground myself into this life. I think i might leave this forum for some time too.

[Forza21]

Just now, Kshantivadin said:

@Forza21  A year or so of rest helped me integrate. Wish you all the best.

Did you mediate during this period, or did you leave all the spirituality completely?

[Forza21]

20 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Forza21 Lay off the psychedelics and turn your mind elsewhere. You're just struggling to integrate.

It is about Love but your mind is too selfish, attached, and fearful to see that yet.

You are experiencing God-realization through a thick layer of ego and fear. Which is why it freaks you out and you don't see the Love. You need to do a lot more work letting things before you realize the Love.

@Leo Gura
by "more work" you mean, should i mediate, or leave all the spirituality completely? i'm obviously not touching any substances for at least a year, but what about other, less hardcore practices?

[OBEler]

@Forza21 you will know yourself at best. There is no fix date 

Maybe in some weeks or month you are ok again. Maybe not. You yourself  will know 

What you writes sounds like a horrible experience. If you cannot Do Meditation or other spiritual practices then stop for some time

Edited March 2, 2022 by OBEler

[Cathal]

Be careful with psychedelics, they can really fuck with you - in the absolute sense of everything you can only grow and learn, but relative to your experience right now it can be extremely painful when there is a dense layer of ego that has all of these core attachments (like to your gf) and the existential things aren't exactly to be rushed, there is no rush to God-realization for anyone at all and I would say use lower doses to get some clarity on why there are these dense layers and how you can work through the layers instead of trying to eat the elephant in one bite - taking it bite by bite.

What is the most important thing is not the secrets to the Universe but how to reduce your experience of suffering

You are all alone but everything is you and it's better to reframe it as, you are deeply connected to everything around you at all times, you are an ecosystem that is in sync and harmony with the entire universe and this beautiful planet, but when you have strong attachments to limited forms such as a family or friends and a gf, I can imagine it's quite confrontationally intense to see them no more important as a tree or flower. 

But yeah, overall you can see now that everything around you is you and you can treat it with sweetness and you can begin to understand yourself so much more radically through being aware it's always your mind projecting itself and there is so much room for growth right now, your eyes are opened and you can use this experience as a reference frame for choices you make right now that are good for you and everyone around you <3

[John Paul]

daaaamn that girlfriend image creeped me out. that's so fucking cool, i can't imagine though it must have been so scary haha. i hope you get on your feet and try again later and it's not scary.

edit: maybe when you start again, try a tiny amount

Edited March 2, 2022 by John Paul

[Michal__]

1 hour ago, Forza21 said:

@Leo Gura
by "more work" you mean, should i mediate, or leave all the spirituality completely? i'm obviously not touching any substances for at least a year, but what about other, less hardcore practices?

You should still meditate. If you stopped meditating it would probably only make it harder.

[SavourTime]

4 hours ago, Forza21 said:

@Leo Gura
by "more work" you mean, should i mediate, or leave all the spirituality completely? i'm obviously not touching any substances for at least a year, but what about other, less hardcore practices?

I would suggest reading up on other people's experiences, watching Leo's videos. That way, these potentially scary "truths" will only be stories to you. It should be way less overwhelming. I'm doing this somewhat myself, so when I go more into psychedelics it will be less of a shock to me than if i didn't. You could also leave spirituality completely for a while if you want. Just do what you think is the right thing for you.

[NoSelfSelf]

Yeah its attachment to life as a dream seeing that its not,seeing what it actually is(truth of it) ffreaks you out because you want to experience dream more i think thats it(from my experience)...

[Lifecapsule]

On 01/03/2022 at 3:38 PM, Forza21 said:

I lately wrote the topic " I woke to the GOD. Death is the only whey to forget?'  (sorry for my English, i'm not a native speaker)

Thank you so much for all your help there, and also i want to send all the love to :  @Kksd74628 @Godishere @Tim R

They helped me on priv, so much!! i don't know what would i do, without them.

 

Background: i've had spiritual experience for over 2-3 years, 16-17 trips, (lsd,shrooms,dmt). I mediate every day, lately for 2h a day. Also, I've had some retreats, on which it was 7-8h meditation daily.

Almost every tip, till last, was pretty easy, some were challenging, but overall it was rather calm. I've experienced pure nothingness, no-dual states, i've seen my reflection in face on my girlfriend, i had God experience on DMT, when everything and everyone dispreaded, there was no time, only infinity etc. It was all ok.

Dosage: 3 days ago, i took 250 uq LSD.  I had one trip on 400uq, and it was nothing like that.

Trip: After 1h i went to the God state. To the point, I exactly saw God everywhere. The floor was made of God, air was pure God, walls were God, which obviously is all me. I knew that, there was no going back, cause even if i go to the hospital, i can't meet anyone other than God, which is me. If I take some pills, it's going to be only self-deception to forget.  I was deceiving my-self all the time, that i'm not God, it was obvious to me.

it was all fine, i knew it was the case. But then i went to the bedroom, to talk with my girlfriend, she took LSD too.

She was in GOD-state as well. She told me, that "I'm God" i don't why, but i felt like God, which is me, perfectly designed every aspect of my life, from birth, to this moment, and now, it's speaking to me, by the mouth of my girlfriend. 

I sat down on the bed, to look outside the window.... and all the people in the next building were gone. All the lights in their flats went down. I said "what? Am i really GOD?" there's no-one else? , she said, "yes".  Then all the buildings collapsed into me. Weather started to change pretty rapid. Time stopped. Out of my pure imagination. I was 100% sure, that my-small-self died, and i'm out of the dream and i can't go back.  There was only face of my girlfriend left. So i said, " really? i was God all my life? i'm dead now?" And then something happened, which shocked me to the core. That was the moment i felt like i want to go back, and forget. That was the moment i regret that i was even alive.

The horror: i looked at my girlfriend eyes.  It was all sparky with life as always, but suddenly it was gone. I was looking to the dead eyes, completely without a life. The woman i love, was not only dead, but she was empty and shallow. Dark. Void.  She was like a withered flower. Like empty costume.  It was the most horrifying things i saw in all my life.  I was all alone, staring into the empty void of my girlfriend's eyes. Every fucking horror is a joke compare to that.  With tears i asked " are you there?" and then i saw like life is going back to her. Her eyes went sparky again. But at that point, all the solipsism horror was unbearable. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted only cease to exist. I don't want to live with knowledge like that. I don't want to be alive with costume-people. It was pure-fuckig-madness-hell.

My post on forum: At this moment I tried to write a post here, on the forum. But i knew, i couldn't get any advice from no one, because even actualize.com and Leo Gura is pure fucking imagination, only to cheat me into thinking, that there are others. I'm here, alone, trapped in this empty-shallow-world, to the infinity. It's Only me. I can't die, i can't escape.  I wrote every music there is, i wrote every book, it was always only me!! fuck!  i wanted to know infinity, and it turned out to be fucking back-mirror-hell.

I wrote this post anyway, but i knew, i was talking only to my-self, and my infinite imagination.

After the trip: Next 48h i couldn't sleep. I was crying, and shacking on the floor. I couldn't eat. I wanted only to die, and forget. 

Right now: People on this forum helped me with going through this. Today, after 6-7h of sleep, i'm back to the "old-self" and i don't see imagination and God everywhere. Thank God!

Any idea what went wrong, and how do i integrate this?  You guys said God-realization it's all about love, and i got fucking horror X1000 to the infinity. 

Thank you, for all your support. 

Personally, i think my "ego" still corrupts this forum solipsism, and i feel it through an illusion of separated self. But i don't know.

@Forza21 have you seen gore stuff , evil feeling ,rape , torture , cannibalism, basically nasty shit on shrooms or other psychedelic high dose trips ???? because I've experienced them on 15g magic mushrooms trip , the sad part was I did those things to my family .... It kept on forever... I was alone and destroyed the reality  .. I lost my shit it was eternity of madness and lonelyness , I'm glad I didn't end up in psychic hospital! 

[Vibes]

I've had a similar experience a few days ago on shrooms.

I was freaking out and desperate, but also saw beauty in it. God just wants to live your little life.

Enjoy little moments like washing the dishes, it's awesome.

 

Edited April 29, 2023 by Vibes

[LearningMystery]

On 4/29/2023 at 1:25 PM, Lifecapsule said:

@Forza21 have you seen gore stuff , evil feeling ,rape , torture , cannibalism, basically nasty shit on shrooms or other psychedelic high dose trips ???? because I've experienced them on 15g magic mushrooms trip , the sad part was I did those things to my family .... It kept on forever... I was alone and destroyed the reality  .. I lost my shit it was eternity of madness and lonelyness , I'm glad I didn't end up in psychic hospital! 

The psychdelics made you do these stuff ? Are you in prison?

[OBEler]

@LearningMystery oh no man. It was just a hallucination, he wrote the sad part was that in these bad hallucinations his family was involved. 

He wrote also he was alone some sentences later. You are really projecting stuff

[Razard86]

On 3/1/2022 at 7:22 AM, Leo Gura said:

@Forza21 Lay off the psychedelics and turn your mind elsewhere. You're just struggling to integrate.

It is about Love but your mind is too selfish, attached, and fearful to see that yet.

You are experiencing God-realization through a thick layer of ego and fear. Which is why it freaks you out and you don't see the Love. You need to do a lot more work letting things before you realize the Love.

Exactly Solipsism is a beautiful thing.

[integral]

I'm not getting what is the big deal, for everything to be me and created by me, hand crafter every detail would not surprise me in the slightest.

If this is all awakening is its child play.

What you guys are doing here is learning how to walk for the first time and being shocked by it.

This is the beginning but also the end of the old framing.

Its because its happening against your will, so its with out the egos consent. Maybe this is the the differentiating factor for why some people cant handle the truth and others can. Some people ground themselves in reality being a specific way, in away thats comfortable for them.

If your mind is comfortable with the ungrounded then tripping is for you, if not don't trip.

Some people have no business taking psychedelics and we have no protocol to identify good candidates and no education to help be assess if tripping is right for them. 

Edited June 5, 2023 by integral