Am I Trying Too Hard? Am I Looking In The Wrong Areas? Am I Seeking Too Much?

[MHarris]

It's said that you cannot see the picture when you're in the frame. So I'm, once again, asking for some guidance from the lovely people that are on this journey of self-actualization. 

I am DESPERATELY trying to find some meaning to my life. I am DESPERATE for a purpose. A mission. Something to really sink my teeth in to. 

I've been reading an insane amount of books. I go to seminars for personal development. I'm on sites like this. I've taken the life purpose course and have found my top values and strengths, and this has been extremely cool for me. 

But, I have not yet found my real mission in life. Or I haven't created it yet, at least. And I think about this constantly. I really want to have this feeling that I'm following my purpose. 

The reason I am so desperate for this is because I actually know the feeling of having a mission, or a purpose. I know what the feeling is like. Or what the feeling was like. And it was a feeling of absolute invincibility. A feeling that everyday, though it may be hard or a slog, that it was worth it and one step closer to my mission. During this period of having a mission, a period of maybe 2-3 years, I was immensely passionate everyday, incredibly motivated, and self-inspired. I was able to make sacrifices that could not be made if I didn't have the intense positive feelings associated with my mission, and I was able to make huge, bold life changing decisions because of this. My life was focused. Every thought and action was conscious and deliberate. 

Sadly, that part of my life is over and done with. 

I achieved my missions objective, but did not find something else that motivated me. 

One thing I noticed while on that journey was that my vision was HUGE! It was massive. And I was pulled out of bed because of this. 

It's sort of sad, really. Since I know what the feeling is like of having a real mission, then just going and doing some ordinary thing with no passion is just unfulfilling. It sort of makes me think that life would be way more fulfilling and straight forward if I never had that mission in the first place; if I was just ordinary. Because then I wouldn't know about all the great stuff you get when you have a mission. I should've taken the blue pill, I sometimes think. 

But what I felt was not ordinary. No way. Not at all. 

I am lost, and don't know where to direct my life. 

If you're a regular on this forum, you may have noticed that my threads that I've started are also varied and un-directed. 

I'm just someone trying to find/create some meaning and purpose. 

I don't want to live life on auto-pilot, because I know what it is like to live life with a mission, and the feeling is amazing. 

Advice?

Thank you

[Alicja_]

@MHarris In what directions do your values and strengths pull you exactly? Don't they already give you a hint of what you should be doing with your life now to start creating your mission,  your life purpose? 

Perhaps you need to investigate them more, and start to create some goods on your way to finding the real purpose. Even some small things. Just make them aligned with the values. Maybe give yourself more time, take some new experience, perhaps extend your comfort zone a lil bit. I don't think this process can be rushed. 

[Principium Nexus]

Kabbalah might be what you seek. I don't proclaim it as any truth but it certainly is interesting to read. https://www.kabbalah.com/what-kabbalah