How To Overcome People-pleasing Thoughts?

[Afonso]

Since I've started meditating, I've become more and more aware of my thoughts.

I have a thought pattern that is CONSTANTLY running on my mind. It just won't stop! Every time I check to see what my mind is up to, the following thought pattern emerges.

Thoughts about making people laugh. Thoughts about being funny. Thoughts about cool things that I could do that would look awesome in other people's eyes. Thoughts about how future events can play so I'll be seen as awesome by other people. Thoughts about how old events could have played so that I didn't look like a fool. Thoughts about things I could say in future interactions and dates. Thoughts about what I shouldn't have said. Thoughts about what others will say to me. Thoughts about what I imagine others will think / thought. Thoughts about what someone thought or said that was about me.

I'm so aware that 60% of my thoughts are of these types. I've already written everything I could on my journal, I know I have these thoughts and I'm aware of them. I've even done research to find out how to clear these thought storms. However, I'm struggling.

I hope someone can give me any practical advice. I know that this "people-pleasing" mentality is hiding my authentic self. It sure doesn't feel like I want to please people. But I'm aware that my thoughts dictate my actions, and therefore, I'm actually seeking to please people and gain approval.

[Alicja_]

@Afonso Don't you think that each time you check out if these thoughts are present in  your mind you actually evoke some of them? You expect them.

Look, like this "- Hmmm... Am I thinking about bananas now? Yes!" -  here comes a storm of banana thoughts. Later -  "Bananas, are you still there?" And BOOOOM - banana purée mindfuck strikes again. 

Anyways, monkey mind is normal, be at peace with it when it happens. Take a note of thoughts and come back to the physical reality, to whatever you do at a time. 

 

[Spiral]

Short story: You have low self-esteem. If you did not, you wouldn't not need to "Prove yourself to others"

Simple practical things for boosting testosterone(and in turn confidence) 

• Diet changes: more (good)fat, zinc and vitamin D
• Avoiding ejaculation(you lose zinc this way, the less you do it the better)
• Exercise(if you don't already)
• Make sure you get a good about of sleep

These are of course not the best solutions since low self-esteem is a physiological problem but they will help get you started and are rather easy.

Also try some confidence boosting mindsets etc (google it). Leo might even have something

[Afonso]

1 hour ago, Alicja_ said:

@Afonso Don't you think that each time you check out if these thoughts are present in  your mind you actually evoke some of them? You expect them.

Look, like this "- Hmmm... Am I thinking about bananas now? Yes!" -  here comes a storm of banana thoughts. Later -  "Bananas, are you still there?" And BOOOOM - banana purée mindfuck strikes again. 

Anyways, monkey mind is normal, be at peace with it when it happens. Take a note of thoughts and come back to the physical reality, to whatever you do at a time. 

 

Not actually what happens. I catch myself not in the present moment and lost in thoughts. Thoughts of these types.

[Empty]

@Afonso I think the best thing to do is to become nothing. And play with your little ego as you wish

 

[faith]

Well, I think my story is quite similar. I, too, have had a people pleasing personality, and I still have it, it won't disappear in one day, but with meditation (and I am glad you are doing it) it will gradually lose its volume over time. 

Basically, you care about others' perception of you. You need to stop caring about what other people think. You'd probably be a billionaire if you had a nickel every time you heard that before. But it's true. It's like be yourself. It's true, but telling a person who is going out on a date and is nervous to be themselves won't do anything. Eventually, let's say this person is promiscuous and goes out on a hundred dates, he or she will get used to it, and in time, finally realize what people mean when they say be yourself.

So whenever you get people pleasing thoughts, start paying attention, and softly name them - "ah this is a people pleasing thought, that's ok, I can't control you, and I know you come and go, that's ok, too" 

After a while, you may find out that this is like peeling an onion and finding another layer, something new will come up that you didn't see before. When you start accepting your people pleasing thoughts, they may turn into narcissistic thoughts, or self-conscious thoughts, and what you will find, in time, that the foundation will always lead to fear. You are avoiding pain, and seeking comfort, but once you start accepting everything on the same even ground, then you will start feeling peace, and you may still occasionally feel people pleasing thoughts, but you won't suffer and your mind will be clearer.

That's it, brother. Best of luck to you! You will do great.

Edited January 18, 2017 by ashashlov

[jse]

4 hours ago, Alicja_ said:

And BOOOOM - banana purée mindfuck strikes again.

I cannot get banana purée mindfuck  outta my mind.  I would love to market and exploit the concept, with your permission.

 

Edited January 19, 2017 by jse
added visuals

[Afonso]

19 hours ago, Alicja_ said:

@Afonso Don't you think that each time you check out if these thoughts are present in  your mind you actually evoke some of them? You expect them.

Look, like this "- Hmmm... Am I thinking about bananas now? Yes!" -  here comes a storm of banana thoughts. Later -  "Bananas, are you still there?" And BOOOOM - banana purée mindfuck strikes again. 

Anyways, monkey mind is normal, be at peace with it when it happens. Take a note of thoughts and come back to the physical reality, to whatever you do at a time. 

 

I don't know if "I" evoke them, but when I get back to reality I notice I was lost in thoughts - thoughts of caring about others' perceptions. Yeah, I take note of the thoughts and I'm super aware of them.

17 hours ago, Empty said:

@Afonso I think the best thing to do is to become nothing. And play with your little ego as you wish

 

I'm at an early stage of development. Becoming nothing is still too far out there for me.

16 hours ago, ashashlov said:

Well, I think my story is quite similar. I, too, have had a people pleasing personality, and I still have it, it won't disappear in one day, but with meditation (and I am glad you are doing it) it will gradually lose its volume over time. 

Basically, you care about others' perception of you. You need to stop caring about what other people think. You'd probably be a billionaire if you had a nickel every time you heard that before. But it's true. It's like be yourself. It's true, but telling a person who is going out on a date and is nervous to be themselves won't do anything. Eventually, let's say this person is promiscuous and goes out on a hundred dates, he or she will get used to it, and in time, finally realize what people mean when they say be yourself.

So whenever you get people pleasing thoughts, start paying attention, and softly name them - "ah this is a people pleasing thought, that's ok, I can't control you, and I know you come and go, that's ok, too" 

After a while, you may find out that this is like peeling an onion and finding another layer, something new will come up that you didn't see before. When you start accepting your people pleasing thoughts, they may turn into narcissistic thoughts, or self-conscious thoughts, and what you will find, in time, that the foundation will always lead to fear. You are avoiding pain, and seeking comfort, but once you start accepting everything on the same even ground, then you will start feeling peace, and you may still occasionally feel people pleasing thoughts, but you won't suffer and your mind will be clearer.

That's it, brother. Best of luck to you! You will do great.

Thank you my friend! Thank you for the explanation. Yes, I've been aware that some types of thoughts are related to deep childhood vows I made with myself. (For example, the need to be cool in front of cool guys at school). By introspection and journaling I was able to drop some of these vows, including the one just mentioned.

[Afonso]

18 hours ago, Spiral said:

Short story: You have low self-esteem. If you did not, you wouldn't not need to "Prove yourself to others"

Simple practical things for boosting testosterone(and in turn confidence) 

• Diet changes: more (good)fat, zinc and vitamin D
• Avoiding ejaculation(you lose zinc this way, the less you do it the better)
• Exercise(if you don't already)
• Make sure you get a good about of sleep

These are of course not the best solutions since low self-esteem is a physiological problem but they will help get you started and are rather easy.

Also try some confidence boosting mindsets etc (google it). Leo might even have something

Self-Esteem is a psychological issue, not a physiological (?). I have a pretty standard self-confidence and I'm not nervous or insecure around people.

[Markus]

@Afonso You need to uncover what's actually behind it. Feel into it and contemplate it.

[Key Elements]

@Afonso

 

[Martin123]

@Afonso Dig deep, release past trauma, spiritual purification and sadow-work.
Any other kind of solution WILL BE surface level and WILL backfire in the long-shot.
Something along the lines of
I am not good enough
I am worthless
I am unlovable
Is going on in your subconscious.
You just gotta "cry, rage, scream and fear" it out.
Along releasing this trauma biological changes WILL take place within your system as your ego (mind-body) cleanses.
Care for livers during the catharsis, drink liver-cleansing tea.

Do breathing exercises to boost emotional release and awaken kundalini which will do the job for you like a magic pill

[Martin123]

@Afonso It can take a year or 2, but eh... that's not really that long considering the rewards (your self-esteem won't be "normal"... what's considered "normal standard of self-esteem" in our culture is literally not far from self-hate.)
You will gradually achieve "absolute" self-esteem. 

[Martin123]

@Afonso Oh also. Get your ass to therapy.

[YaNanNallari]

Just since nobody said it you've watched Leo's video on this right?

 

[Phrae]

Just don't follow through on them? They will stop eventually, don't think about not thinking about them. Immediately follow up with "why do I want to say that" when your mind suggests something. Tell yourself you're accepting yourself without having to do anything, and how to do that? You just do it over and over and over again until your ego understands.

You should get to the point that even when you think of something funny, you're turned off because you want to say it and the times where you share something funny, you're like "why not I'll just say this", in a completely detached manner not caring whatsoever what the reaction is.

[Afonso]

3 hours ago, Key Elements said:

@Afonso

 

Hey, I've read this book over 4 times, ordered a copy and actually made a week schedule to work on each of the pillars. I loved the book, the concept and the ideas. I did all the Sentence-Completion work and I'm currently following The Program which consist of 31 weeks of Sentence-Completion work. My Self-Esteem has very sky-rocketed from studying the book! However, the thought storm persists.

2 hours ago, Martin123 said:

@Afonso Dig deep, release past trauma, spiritual purification and sadow-work.
Any other kind of solution WILL BE surface level and WILL backfire in the long-shot.
Something along the lines of
I am not good enough
I am worthless
I am unlovable
Is going on in your subconscious.
You just gotta "cry, rage, scream and fear" it out.
Along releasing this trauma biological changes WILL take place within your system as your ego (mind-body) cleanses.
Care for livers during the catharsis, drink liver-cleansing tea.

Do breathing exercises to boost emotional release and awaken kundalini which will do the job for you like a magic pill

I'm giving a shot to Shadow-Work. Thanks for the tips!

1 hour ago, YaNanNallari said:

Just since nobody said it you've watched Leo's video on this right?

 

I studied this video a couple of months ago, took notes and did the exercise for a day or two. The mindsets really helped me on this issue, specially with shyness among girls. Having studied personal development for a while now, I now can see the importance of the Self-Image that I hold and how it can generate this people-pleasing mentality. I have improved a lot since then, but I'm still having the issue of the thoughts.

8 minutes ago, Phrae said:

Just don't follow through on them? They will stop eventually, don't think about not thinking about them. Immediately follow up with "why do I want to say that" when your mind suggests something. Tell yourself you're accepting yourself without having to do anything, and how to do that? You just do it over and over and over again until your ego understands.

You should get to the point that even when you think of something funny, you're turned off because you want to say it and the times where you share something funny, you're like "why not I'll just say this", in a completely detached manner not caring whatsoever what the reaction is.

These thoughts have been on my mind for years. I didn't see it was an issue till I started digging into my mind and being super aware of my thoughts.

[Afonso]

2 hours ago, Martin123 said:

@Afonso Oh also. Get your ass to therapy.

I would much prefer to do it on my own. It's not a traumatic thing, I can still enjoy life and socialization. But when I'm not fully present to the moment, those thoughts just fill up my mind.

[Martin123]

@Afonso Ok.

Ill just be honest with you though. Therapy will help everyone who isn't lazy and is sincere.

[Key Elements]

On 18/01/2017 at 10:57 PM, Afonso said:

I have a thought pattern that is CONSTANTLY running on my mind. It just won't stop! 

Since you said that it's not a self-esteem issue, I would highly recommend to start understanding the ego. Not many people are able to understand it, they mistake it for being selfish or something else. Ego has everything to do with all your emotions and the monkey mind. Guess what? All that is a fiction. Just let it pass by like you are watching a passing train. Please read up on the ego.

 

 

Here's a passage from Robin Sharma, the author of Who Will Cry When You Die:

 

Be More Than Your Moods

For much of my life, I believed my thoughts were beyond my control. They just entered my mind automatically and did whatever they wished to do. Even worse, I believed that I was my thoughts. Instead, we are thinkers of our thoughts. We are creators of the thoughts that flow through our minds and, given this fact, we can change our thoughts if we choose to do so.

This seemingly obvious insight was an epiphany for me. I soon became far more aware of the thoughts I allowed into my mind and the inner dialogue that takes place within everyone of us every waking hour of every living day. I began to pay complete attention to the quality of my thoughts. This awareness was the first step to changing them. Over a matter of months, I trained my mind to focus only on positive, inspiring, and enlightening thoughts. And in doing so, I saw the outer circumstances of my life change. 

Just as you are not your thoughts, you are not your moods. You are the creator of the moods you experience,  moods that you can change in a single instant. If you choose to do so, you can feel peace in a moment of stress, joy in a time of sadness and energy during a time of fatigue.