How To Overcome People-pleasing Thoughts?

[Afonso]

UPDATE

This thoughts have disappeared or reduced in frequency once I started giving them less importance than I used to. Now, if any thought of this kind pops up in my mind, I just see it for what it is and shift my focus to something else. This way it doesn't bug me anymore. I noticed that by constantly speaking about it, I'd sort of attract these thoughts.

I got these ideas from the books The Secret and Taming Your Gremlins

[Nahm]

On 1/18/2017 at 0:27 PM, Afonso said:

Since I've started meditating, I've become more and more aware of my thoughts.

I have a thought pattern that is CONSTANTLY running on my mind. It just won't stop! Every time I check to see what my mind is up to, the following thought pattern emerges.

Thoughts about making people laugh. Thoughts about being funny. Thoughts about cool things that I could do that would look awesome in other people's eyes. Thoughts about how future events can play so I'll be seen as awesome by other people. Thoughts about how old events could have played so that I didn't look like a fool. Thoughts about things I could say in future interactions and dates. Thoughts about what I shouldn't have said. Thoughts about what others will say to me. Thoughts about what I imagine others will think / thought. Thoughts about what someone thought or said that was about me.

I'm so aware that 60% of my thoughts are of these types. I've already written everything I could on my journal, I know I have these thoughts and I'm aware of them. I've even done research to find out how to clear these thought storms. However, I'm struggling.

I hope someone can give me any practical advice. I know that this "people-pleasing" mentality is hiding my authentic self. It sure doesn't feel like I want to please people. But I'm aware that my thoughts dictate my actions, and therefore, I'm actually seeking to please people and gain approval.

I have  suggestion, but it may sound like I'm not saying anything substantial because imo it's the one of the most elusive and powerful things there are in PD. Notice when your thoughts switch from your thoughts, to your thoughts from a perspective of someone else's thoughts. Practice staying in what you think, and you may open up a new world. 

[Khin]

Pleasing people is not a bad thing. Bad thing is expectation. Please people without expectations.

[Nahm]

On 1/18/2017 at 0:27 PM, Afonso said:

Since I've started meditating, I've become more and more aware of my thoughts.

I have a thought pattern that is CONSTANTLY running on my mind. It just won't stop! Every time I check to see what my mind is up to, the following thought pattern emerges.

Thoughts about making people laugh. Thoughts about being funny. Thoughts about cool things that I could do that would look awesome in other people's eyes. Thoughts about how future events can play so I'll be seen as awesome by other people. Thoughts about how old events could have played so that I didn't look like a fool. Thoughts about things I could say in future interactions and dates. Thoughts about what I shouldn't have said. Thoughts about what others will say to me. Thoughts about what I imagine others will think / thought. Thoughts about what someone thought or said that was about me.

I'm so aware that 60% of my thoughts are of these types. I've already written everything I could on my journal, I know I have these thoughts and I'm aware of them. I've even done research to find out how to clear these thought storms. However, I'm struggling.

I hope someone can give me any practical advice. I know that this "people-pleasing" mentality is hiding my authentic self. It sure doesn't feel like I want to please people. But I'm aware that my thoughts dictate my actions, and therefore, I'm actually seeking to please people and gain approval.

You're skipping the 'time in'. Sometimes the ego fools us to think we are having experiences that are coming from our imagination. Perhaps one of the benefits one gets from daily meditation is FOCUS. You lack focus when you shift from your thinking, to thinking from a perspective of what someone else is thinking.

[Elton]

@Afonso try affirmations and visualisations at the same time so when you’re using the affirmations that I am completely independent of the good or bad opinion of others you also visualize those thought that come to your mind about people pleasing use your thoughts as your allies.

[Arman]

Excerpt from the book 'Levels of Energy' by Frederick E. Dodson 

Quote

You can save an enormous amount of time and energy (which is then freed up for other things) by releasing the need for approval from others. The tendency to be needy of others approval, attention, confirmation, and validation comes from a time in which you as a child thought it was a matter of survival. So you did that which seemed to earn your parent’s approval and avoided that which seemed to cause your parent’s disapproval. Rebellious children do just the opposite. They often try to provoke disapproval. Both behaviors are no longer needed in adult life, yet many adults still use them as if they were helpless children.

Releasing the Need for Approval

A helpful exercise in this regard is to list everything you have done recently in order to gain approval or avoid disapproval from others – spouses, children, parents, superiors, colleagues, the public, etc. You will notice that while it is alright to get applause and appreciation, the need for such praise is detrimental. In fact the need for it will create an energy field in which you hardly ever receive real acclaim

Once you have written your list go through the following steps:

1. Mentally focus on an example from your list. Welcome whatever thoughts, sensations, feelings, and memories might be associated with it.
2. Notice how wanting approval creates a lack.
3. Ask yourself, “Could I let go of wanting approval for this?”
4. Release your focus from the wanting. And then release your focus from the entire situation.

Simply repeat this process for each item on your list. It will free and release several layers of emotion, even some you may not be aware of. By merely doing this exercise you also commit the idea to memory and will cease to act as a pawn in other people’s games.

 

Edited February 22, 2017 by Arman

[Nahm]

@Afonso Are you sure you're becoming aware of your thoughts? It sounds like you're becoming more aware of other people's thoughts. Continued daily morning meditation on breathing will excercise your focus, so you can keep on your own thoughts. Everything else is eye of the beholder. 

[Afonso]

7 hours ago, Arman said:

Excerpt from the book 'Levels of Energy' by Frederick E. Dodson 

 

Great, this was on the book I read The Sedona Method. Maybe it also helped fix my issue, though I'm not completely sure.

[eskwire]

On 1/18/2017 at 3:19 PM, Afonso said:

Not actually what happens. I catch myself not in the present moment and lost in thoughts. Thoughts of these types.

I do the same. It is low self-esteem.

Imagine a world where you are so into doing what you are doing that you are masterful and composed. And people are worrying about what you think of them.

The affirmation:

I am independent of the thoughts and opinions of others.

Repeat for 5-10 minutes every day for a couple of months.

Visualize while you are reciting. Picture and feel and smell your independence and flow states.

Eventually, when these thoughts pop up, they'll be recognized and tossed aside as garbage pretty quickly. Then you'll snap back to reality without painstaking effort. 

Also, work on your self-esteem. That's a deep topic I won't get into here. 

[gj28210]

I say to myself (and sometimes aloud) that I am a failure; useless; worthless; stupid; unlovable; subhuman; etc. etc. BUT there are times that, if I am not thinking or feeling angry or depressed or anxious, I realize that these words are all meaningless bullshit, and seeing myself for what I really am is just around the corner.  Only I have been trying to reach that corner and turn there for many decades.