grieving over relationships being imaginary

[John Paul]

i guess Leo's nihilism video answers it.. gotta get to the other side. any advice here? i just feel like we are just pretending or i am just pretending.  one solution i thought of is to go make many brand new friends and act out a variety of personality traits while i do it to explore myself but i've got this "why bother" clouding my mind....feeling heavy. "ego backlash" maybe

[John Paul]

@Preety_India  to be honest i have become painfully aware that my life is "over" and not what i want at all, it's empty and i'm displaced where i live and the time for massive action is now. i feel like i died and my own ghost is haunting me trying not to have me move on to my new life. i'm literally just venting here i don't know where else to go. my old friends are normies and i feel like my "spiritual" friends are fake. there is no one around but a few people including my mom... feels like a ghost town in my city. i need to leave here i feel heavy and tired, i started chelating and i'm in bed a lot just sleeping having dreams, quit my job and haven't replaced it...i don't know anymore, i want to do deep work but i can't do it living here, i have to move somewhere more affordable and set myself up like that, learn how to get 5-meo/nndmt online and start real personal development/socialization/adult sexuality.... i was excited to start visioning my life but now that the vision is getting crisp my little self is becoming very overwhelmed and unstable, i am up against a wall it feels like, and feeling very unproductive. there is an upcoming four night ayahuasca ceremony... i haven't paid yet, this could backfire on me or help or both.. i don't know. not suicidal but my mind is racing racing.

i also picked a life purpose but am feeling that old "i'm not good enough" energy stirring up

Edited February 27, 2022 by John Paul

[John Paul]

@Preety_India

problem is i crave developing deep intimacy but i know i want a solid foundation for me to stand in order to give myself and i feel like beating myself up for "being lonely" while building the foundation for meaningful relationships

I feel i can't do it. (i know i can from a meta view. action can feel slow and forced)

Edited February 27, 2022 by John Paul

[SgtPepper]

If everything or all relationships are imaginary, what difference does it make? 

why are you fighting yourself? make peace.

 

Edited March 22, 2022 by SgtPepper