Can You Help Me Deconstruct This?

[YeahIam]

Hi

Recently I've been socializing more and I started a new job and found a girl that I felt like I can develop a deep friendship with as we have a lot in comon and so on (she's gay and I'm a straight male so no sexual intentions).

The problem is that she already has her group of friends at work so they always go on breaks together and so on.

I know we can meet outside of work and but I noticed me feeling hurt when she hangs out with her friends.

I think this is an attachment issue but I don't know how to go about it.

I had this issue before but I didn't try to be more mindful about it and learn from it.

should I just notice the feelings and thoughts or what do you think?

 

[Preety_India]

@YeahIam is she actively ignoring you and giving you a cold shoulder treatment? 

If yes, then I'd recommend to keep your distance from her. Because it means she isn't ready for it. You need to be able to read people's body language and social cues to know how they subconsciously give out signals of harmony/hostility to you. If they're friendly signals you can approach and hang out, if they give dismissive/avoidant signals then it means you need to not engage with them. 

Now if the answer to the question above is no, then she is simply hanging out, blissfully unaware and you could count on her to be your friend, your discomfort could imply that you are being a bit possessive and attached and you'll have to loosen up, compromise with your comfort zone, let go, handle the tension till it becomes a natural way of dealing with things and get along, harmonize with her without it creating unnecessary stress for you. 

Hope this helps. 

 

[YeahIam]

@Preety_India

Thank you so much for your answer.

TBH I'm not sure if she's giving out signals I will give more attention to that.

regarding the discomfort, that's also what I thought but what did you mean by compromise with your comfort zone and handle the tension?

[Preety_India]

Just now, YeahIam said:

regarding the discomfort, that's also what I thought but what did you mean by compromise with your comfort zone and handle the tension?

I'm assuming that you have a comfort zone where you want to hang out with her only exclusively and don't want to see her hanging out with others as that might not fit into your comfort zone. Often we have to kinda expand our comfort zone to accommodate for things that we aren't very fond of. This is what I meant by compromise. And if you're experiencing some cold tension it might go away if you learn to relax around social situations that create a negative feeling in you. At first it might sound difficult, bothersome and you might resist it, then as you relax and ease the tension, in no time you'll be handle the stress much better. 

(I'm assuming that you are experiencing stress when you see her hanging out with her friends but I could be wrong.) 

 

[YeahIam]

@Preety_India

Thank you for your response this definitely gave me more clarity.

It's not that I don't want her to hang out with anyone else or I hang out with them but it's like they built their bonds with each other and they aren't very welcoming of "outsider" or that's how I feel.

I see my self esteem issues are also playing an active role in this too.

So yeah I think it's learning to relax and letting go.

 

[Ulax]

Sedona method it

[Preety_India]

35 minutes ago, YeahIam said:

@Preety_India

Thank you for your response this definitely gave me more clarity.

It's not that I don't want her to hang out with anyone else or I hang out with them but it's like they built their bonds with each other and they aren't very welcoming of "outsider" or that's how I feel.

I see my self esteem issues are also playing an active role in this too.

So yeah I think it's learning to relax and letting go.

 

Ahh I see what you mean. That happens a lot when people make tight knit bonds and don't welcome others into it. 

But I think you can give it a try. No big loss even if they don't welcome you. The world is such a big place. 

Giving you a big hug. Have a great day!