Conflict/Agression

[digitalkaine]

 

I'm really surprised Leo doesnt have any videos on interpersonal violent conflict. Maybe its not the place for that type of content and I can see how it might not aid in personal growth. I dont like fighting but I grew up fighting and even to this day exist in an environment that is violent and conflict driven by nature.  

To be honest ever since I've picked up actualized about 7 years ago I've grown to basically let go and chose peace when it came to  any type of altercation. Its never hard to flip the switch and remove my idea of self from any type of conflict or aggression with another male. I've had anger issues from the time I was a young kid till about my mid 20s and I was always quick to get physical, all that is gone and as a matter a fact I'm actually extremely fragile at this point. I have to be clear when I say that the only time I did fight was in self defense, but the thing that is different from then to now is that back in the day I would be quick to pop off if you said anything bad about me, I would never swing first but I had a mouth that would get me into shit fast. Thats all but gone now and I'm not afraid to defend myself physically but when it comes to mentally I often shy away and let people just say how they feel about me now matter how disrespectful it is. That is mostly because my idea of respect and disrespect dont really exist, to me when people say anything negative about me no matter how true or not true it is it often just seems like a projection of their own insecurities so its hard for me to take anything personal and I really embody that.

In all honesty, a lot of my friends are just hood as fuck, I dont know how else to put it but I'm just being as candid as possible. I grew up flip flopping between like projects & really low income areas to nice suburban houses when I would stay with my mom until I was 12 and then just basically moved in with my dad in the hood. I got into fights more in the suburbs to be honest but when I moved in with my dad I began to experience gun violence and other shit like that. The first time I had a gun pointed at me was my freshman year in high school just walking home. I've seen people get shot at parties, I've seen my friends beaten half to death, I myself have been jumped and had to fight, I've had friends who have died to guns or get shot. I have friends who have shot up parties or threatened people with guns. Just all kinds of violent ass shit that almost kind of seemed normal until I started writing this right now. 

Dont get me wrong I didnt grow up in a crazy ass place like chicago or anything like that there are way worse places than where I lived in Glendale, Arizona but I know the affect its had on me and my friends growing up. Its all kind of besides the point though because what I was saying was that my friends are serious guys, I've been on this all this Buddhism and inner peace shit for some time and changed who I was entirely. It really throws all them off when they see me in situations where something happens and I'm disrespected and in their heads they think I should defend myself but I just choose not to because I really dont see it the same way and basically just shrug it off. To them I already know they think I'm like a bitch or something which again I really dont care about but in my eyes anything is better than harming another person or getting into any type of conflict.

Thats all fine and dandy, I've been living like that for some years now. I guess this is where things start to get fucked up for me however though because in all honesty I'm kind of tired of choosing peace at the moment. This is going to sound fucked up but I'm just being as honest as possible, I dont want to continue just being like egoless and so radical when it comes to being peaceful and not engaging with other guys when it comes to butting heads and all that. I had a portion of my life where I would just avoid going out because every girl I was with has always been extremely beautiful and its hard to be out with a girl and having to just basically bitch out anytime some dude tries to get at her because I'm trying to be Christ like and I see no difference between me, the girl I'm with or the drunk guy getting at her. I could recognize that they we're all an extension of myself and each other and theres no reason to snap back or get into some shit with anybody over anything . I mean I'm really good at ignoring it or just finding a way to say something to the dude to let him know that like I see what you're trying to do but  its all peace and love this way lets just have a good time and respect each other. I've basically avoided having to fight sometime now having that mentality and its always worked in my favor because anytime I have went that route the dude has actually been cool afterwards, along with the girl not doing anything to disrespect me to my surprise because I feel like If u just constantly seen your man bitch out it would make you less attracted to him, but maybe in hindsight I wasn't bitching out and just choosing a different way to dismantle somebody elses defense mechanisms just by being open and honest with them, I'm not sure. 

Either way. I've been single after a 5 year relationship and getting back into dating and I feel like not holding that same type of toxic male aggression is kind of preventing me from being able to do multiple things in my life. In all honesty I kind of miss being that fucking guy. I miss like having the energy of someone who like used to steal peoples girlfriends and beef with and get into shit with all kinds of guys, as dumb as it sounds. In a sense I miss being toxic and just having that energy. I really hate the idea of going back to like stealing someone elses girlfriend and I would never do that again but I miss the energy that came with it. I'm confident now sure, but its mostly in the sense of me in my art and career and my abilities to create good shit as a musician and artist. I dont have the same confidence I used to have when it comes to conflict or dealing with women because I mostly dont want to hurt anybodys feelings or get physical with someone like I used to but its taking its toll. I know the best option would be to talk to women who dont have those types of values but in all honesty thats just what I'm attracted to and they're attracted to me when I'm in that mode.

For example, this really beautiful girl took me out on a date last week actually and I couldnt like really pull the trigger on like getting her to come home with me or even see me again after and I could tell she really liked me. There was even some point on the date where some drunk guy looked at her and was like "I like your hair" to her and I just grabbed her and kind of laughed at him and moved to a different side of the bar. Even thats too much for me lol, Id prefer to just let my guard down and awkwardly laugh letting the dude know I'm not a threat and we're just here to have a good time but I feel as if thats like worse than what I chose to do instead. I mean I dont wanna go like ape shit on him but back in the day I for sure would have said something that could have lead to a fight for sure. 

Dealing with women in general is hard as fuck for me as well. 5 years ago I would bag like straight 10's. (Even saying that phrase is hard for me because it feels disrespectful and kind of rude) but its true. Now I can open with a girl and get her to talk to me for a little thats not a problem, but Its hard for me to throw on that assholeish charisma that worked really well in the past and get her to spend time with me. I was really lucky that this girl even took me out last week but of course I fumbled it instantly lol. I just feel like back in the day I was manipulating girls by playing with their emotions. Being sweet and then being an asshole when they didnt give me what I wanted and just teetering back and fourth but now currently I really hate the idea of doing that to someone. I cant stand the idea of just poking at someones emotions even if its in a way thats teasing because like its a fine line between being playful and becoming toxic and I feel like the girls I like always want that toxic side that I'm not really willing to give to people anymore. Its all mostly because I care and I get it I sound like some submissive beta nice guy ass dude but Its genuine asf I really just give af too much about how people feel about themselves and I'm really just into boosting other peoples confidence and not having any role showing them anything they might consider conceptually negative about themselves. I dont even make jokes with my best friends like how we all used to because I dont want to make people feel bad about themselves even if its in a joking matter.


I did have an insight earlier that it might be okay to tease a womans emotions in a way that might seem toxic to myself so long as my intentions are always good with her and I'm doing it in a way that wont cause any trauma. Its just hard for me because I def make boundaries for myself. Alot of it has to do with me being a kid growing up my mom would say the most absolutely fucked up shit to make me feel bad about myself and I feel like I've projected alot of that in my early 20s. 
Not sure where I'm really going with this anymore sorry if I'm rambling I've thought about writing about this for months now but it seemed like things were getting better. I think I'm getting closer to something but I just have alot of pent up feelings about this stuff that I cant share with anyone. I appreciate this community and all the work Leo has put in to help people I've just never really heard him go deep into toxic male aggression and conflict. I mean I'm sure he has but idk nothing really sticks with me and maybe its because I wanted to avoid it all together. 

I must also say that I know its wrong and I know it would cause me more problems but I dont wanna be afraid to get into altercations with other guys anymore. I really enjoyed the spiritual side of myself and grew to heal alot of my traumas an love myself in a way I didnt think was possible before and I know this sounds crazy but in a sense now it feels like I'm neglecting some part of myself. I realize its the ego that has that idea but just even having the energy that I'm ready to go with anyone like how I was in the past might actually do more positive for me at this time in my life. I spent years just being selfless and really focusing on putting others before myself and in turn everyone around me benefited but I just feel like if I had a different mindset when it came to that one area in particular that it might boost me in a way that I need right now so I can continue to do good for myself and others. I'm just being as honest as I can I get how dumb it sounds but I'm human I'm just tired of these things holding me back. It would be different if I didnt exist in the environment that I do, but I don't, unfortunately physical violence and butting heads with people is a part of the social circles I'm in and in a sense the art I produce. I dont want to be scared to go to a club or bar because I know there are guys there who want to fight me because of what girl i'm with, or who my friends are, or who I am, or some dumb beef we had in the past. I just wanna go with the intent that I dont mean any harm to nobody but also that I'm just ready to go if it comes to it. 

[John Paul]

great job. start a computer journal and recount all of your experiences to yourself, do it all the time, write how you feel

[digitalkaine]

2 hours ago, John Paul said:

great job. start a computer journal and recount all of your experiences to yourself, do it all the time, write how you feel

Thanks it was really hard to write this to be honest.  I will do that for sure