Sexual fantasy

[Preety_India]

A journal to record my current sexual fantasy. 

[Preety_India]

Once again I don't know what it was. But I was running through cloud and smoke and it was after me, it was an entity. I felt like this entity wanted to rape me. It wanted to control me. I wake up in sweat and I feel like my whole body was trembling. Feeling cold, naked and scared. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

It's hard to explain how it feels. But this entity wanted to be with me. I'm not sure if the entity cared about me. But sometimes it felt nice. 

[Preety_India]

This happened to me during sleep. Did I want to be dominated by this entity? 

[Preety_India]

Maybe it's my infantilism and neediness which is at the root of it that needs to be addressed 

Maybe I want a parental figure. Maybe it's repressed trauma. 

Maybe it's my inner child that is seeking to be dominated and probably treated badly. 

 

[Preety_India]

I also have slavery based sexual fantasies. Like I want to be a slave. 

I want to be treated like a slave. 

I feel a sense of satisfaction when I'm treated like a slave. 

That I want to be kept in captivity and be raped. 

Yea those rape fantasies Back again. 

I want to be extremely submissive. 

 

Edited February 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I get a kick out of it. 

I'm imagining being held captive. 

And then being enslaved. 

I don't know how that would feel like. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm feeling so horny right now. UGH. I just want to be penetrated so hard. 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I like sexual tension and conflict. It creates some resistance. Like hate fucking. 

Like I just want to be hated and then fucked. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think what I'm looking for is conquer and surrender.. 

[Preety_India]

I don't know why I have all these conqueror fantasies but they seem to be stemming from my need to complete myself.. It's like I'm the one half that needs the other half to complete me. My half represents submission and surrender whereas the other half should be about domination and control and passion. When these two meet, I feel like it's fireworks. I only feel relaxed and fully complete when these two sides merge within me sexually and romantically. It's like I'm always looking for the conqueror archetype. Is this a specific female fantasy created through brain wiring or is it unique to me and you have never heard someone have these before. I want the guy I love to fully conquer and own me and make me his till the end of eternity. This romance or thirst to never end. I always wish to be in a state of mystic surrender emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Do you want your other half to be exactly like you or do you want the other half to complete you. Do you feel a natural thirst romantically. Are these fantasies only fantasies or do they exist to serve an internal purpose of spiritual and emotional fulfillment? Or is such fulfillment just a futile passion that's not pursuing/seeking?

I know the questions and the thoughts behind them are very ambiguous yet fantasies themselves are such an ambiguous part of human sexual side, some people would want to die for their fantasies, holding them dear to death whereas some people dismiss them as futile imaginations of a hyper creative mind that would look good only on paper, not in reality, how much of life is real, how much of it mimics art and fiction, too many questions, too few answers. Fantasies represent a mysterious side of human phenomenon.. 

 

[Preety_India]

Decided to abandon this thread out of forum frustration. 

 

Conqueror fantasies.......

 

I don't know why I have all these conqueror fantasies but they seem to be stemming from my need to complete myself.. It's like I'm the one half that needs the other half to complete me. My half represents submission and surrender whereas the other half should be about domination and control and passion. When these two meet, I feel like it's fireworks. I only feel relaxed and fully complete when these two sides merge within me sexually and romantically. It's like I'm always looking for the conqueror archetype. Is this a specific female fantasy created through brain wiring or is it unique to me and you have never heard someone have these before. I want the guy I love to fully conquer and own me and make me his till the end of eternity. This romance or thirst to never end. I always wish to be in a state of mystic surrender emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Do you want your other half to be exactly like you or do you want the other half to complete you. Do you feel a natural thirst romantically. Are these fantasies only fantasies or do they exist to serve an internal purpose of spiritual and emotional fulfillment? Or is such fulfillment just a futile passion that's not worth pursuing/seeking?

 

I know the questions and the thoughts behind them are very ambiguous yet fantasies themselves are such an ambiguous part of human sexual side, some people would want to die for their fantasies, holding them dear to death whereas some people dismiss them as futile imaginations of a hyper creative mind that would look good only on paper, not in reality, how much of life is real, how much of it mimics art and fiction, too many questions, too few answers. Fantasies represent a mysterious side of human phenomenon

Edited February 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm fed up with this forum. At some point Leo will have to beg people to come back here. I'm withdrawing all my topics from the forum. Because somebody always comes and gaslights your thread instead of actually helping in a productive way. 

Every thread turns into a triggerfest. 

Every one gets gaslighted. There's too much bias on this forum and little accountability. 

Even Raptorsin7 got gaslighted in one of the threads and he was gaslighted so much and so often. It was unbearable. 

Someone opens up about their deep problems possibly to help themselves and others, and they get pathetically gaslighted to oblivion. 

Instead of focusing on the problem, the person is made into a problem.. 

No... People come here to seek help not to look at your display of superiority. 

Enough with this dogshit. 

It's very depressing. A good resource gets wasted like this and those who are vocal about it are always bashed. 

A mod here completely ruined my thread with his bias.

The dating section is a literal hell hole for women. 

Women go there and get gaslighted for even minor complaints. 

Passive aggressive is this forum nothing else. 

FUCK THIS SHIT. 

This whole forum is a big hypocrite.

They talk about big big things like stage Turquoise, spiral dynamics, enlightenment, love, neo-advaita, achieving high consciousness but there is no humanity here. There is no love or empathy or understanding here. People play power games - you better or me better games. Everyone is trying to dog each other out. There is no harmony here. There is no peace. Very little tolerance if any. And full of academic losers.

 

On every thread you see a super rude hurtful comment and this is even mods doing it. Then when you challenge it, you are gaslighted into thinking that you did something wrong by challenging the established status quo here like some goddamn hypocritical bureaucracy. Where's the love? 

What do we call that game? RUSSIAN ROULETTE? this is a Russian roulette bureaucracy. 

 

 

 

Edited February 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

OK enough of the forum venting. 

I need to focus on my sexual fantasies. 

I like to be dominated. So I want the fantasy to consist of a weird dynamic where I have been kidnapped by the enemy of my clan, a rival gang and then held in captivity for days.

During this time they feed me and take care of me and I'm supposed to sleep with the conqueror. This is a role play. 

There is humiliation, enslavement and masochist elements to this. 

In the end I surrender sexually 

And the conqueror takes care of me. I assume him to look like a Tarzan. My desires are kinda primal. 

The enemy gang takes care of me and I belong to them forever. It's like a love hate relationship and I find peace both in love and hate. Even if they hate me they don't want me gone. 

Everything works out for the better in the end. 

When I think of such things I'm able to love myself better. I guess love and hate are strong emotions and two sides of the same coin. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My spirit craves for an entity that is dominating, caring, protective, disciplining and motivating. 

I think what I'm doing here is oscillating between feminine love and masculine love. 

Feminine love = caring, sensitive 

Masculine love = tough love, direction, strength, discipline 

So what is the femininity in me looking for? 

It's looking for  a —

"tough love spirit" 

activator spirit 

Motivator spirit 

Leader spirit 

Protector spirit

Disciplining spirit 

Strong spirit 

Provider spirit 

 

And what's the masculinity looking for in me? 

Guide spirit 

Wise spirit 

Caring spirit 

Loyal spirit 

Comforter spirit 

Calm spirit 

 

 

So every spirit needs a complementary spirit to feel complete

 

To create harmony with the inner self, you need to have a complementary spirit. 

 

Edited February 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

So I have invented my own concept of the three selves. 

One is the Unitary self that is you. 

The other is binary self which means the "other" or the self that will complement your unitary self. 

Next is the Dynamic Self or Higher Self which combines traits of both the unitary and the binary and is the highest version of you that you wish to achieve. Here is your maximum potential. 

And last is the Holistic Self which combines the traits of the whole universe. This is God. 

So in life, you try to achieve the Binary Self, the Dynamic/Higher Self and the Holistic Self. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

There are archetypes for each self. 

For the unitary self  the archetype is obviously you. I call myself Miss Buttercup in this journal. 

So my archetype is Miss Buttercup. 

And my binary self is the one who complements me. Honeydew. 

My dynamic or higher self archetype is Miss Buttercup's Higher Self. This is a visualized self. You in a third person. 

And the last archetype, that is for the Holistic self is God. 

So follow the following archetypes 

• Miss Buttercup (Me) 
• Honeydew 
• Miss Buttercup's Higher Self 
• God

 

 

[Preety_India]

Don't be a victim of Russian roulette. 

[Preety_India]

I think this song matches the vibration I was talking about. 

 

[Preety_India]

I felt so horny today and I fantasized being sexed up on the bed multiple times I could imagine my back being touched and then the whole process of making love. It hurt for sure. But it was an absolute release. Once again my sexual feelings were at a peak. I could feel my boobs being grabbed and touched. This was much stronger than the conqueror fantasies I had. I really want this to last. It's like I'm made to crumble into my absolute feminine self and I feel helpless, nothing but to give in. He makes me feel like that.