Conversations

[alyra]

I do not know how to converse. I am realizing I can do research and mindfulness work towards this! but one way to research this is ask peers so I am wondering about your thoughts regarding conversation. 

 

I have been spending 3 years as close to functionally a hermit! even my whole life I have behaved with much introversion, thinking all the time. I have not developed very good communication skills. most of my ability to communicate now, is due to work I've done in the past 5 years, and most of that work was focused on clarity, attentiveness, and comprehension. But, I am blunt, and I tend to only speak up to communicate understanding, explaining things as if I am a mother or professor or master lol, despite the fact that I am looking for discussion, open to opposition. people get irritated with me for telling them what is true, or how they should behave. I wish to cease giving that impression. I am wondering about possibly attempting to use emotion as filler, but a lot of people get weirded out if I speak to them emotionally, or dismissive, which tells me that I intend to communicate the information and am frustrated when they don't care to hear me. maybe it is just a matter of reacting to the situation. and the other thought I had is to change my choice of words - to say "I believe" or "I would" instead of speaking matter of fact. or maybe even saying "well I don't know if what I'd do is right. but what I'd do is..." 

 

but of course it takes time to figure this out. so I am wondering if anyone has thoughts or advice on the topic to share. about the meat of a conversation.... maybe I just need to sacrifice my pursuit of understanding when talking with others, unless they bring up the topic, or ask me about it when I mention it briefly, and just go with the flow of what they are offering, and if they are silent try to use tactics to open up the conversation. like it is suggested to ask people about what they think, in a way which isn't too deep but isn't too shallow. but is that basically the strategy that will cover all my conversations forever? it doesn't really explain how to talk about the things I am passionate about. when I am passionate I talk and talk and talk and leave no room!

 

I've said a ton and I am just meandering really. so now I will continue to reflect in silence, so that it is less difficult to discern a response for you guys who are interested in responding lol. though maybe secretly it is only me who has this difficulty - nah that is a foolish thing to believe, it is clear that many people find it fiddicult to converse. or at least a considerable amount of some peopel

[ajasatya]

@aryberry in my experience, i can't just talk for no reason. if i don't have at least a strong reason to say things, i rather remain in silence and appreciate my silent mind.

silence is beautiful.

[Arman]

9 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@aryberry in my experience, i can't just talk for no reason. if i don't have at least a strong reason to say things, i rather remain in silence and appreciate my silent mind.

silence is beautiful.

This brings up an important principle when it comes to having comfort, power and magnetism in conversation and socializing, which is being OK with silence. To understand that it's not actually necessary to converse, and that it is enough to simple smile and acknowledge someone. That's it. 

That doesn't mean that you won't talk, or it doesn't mean that you are less inclined to talk - but it's a good foundation. When people are uncomfortable with silence, discussions become stilted, forced, and you start to into generic topics like the weather or asking someone where they work. Not that there's anything wrong with those topics, but when they come from a place of discomfort rather than curiosity and openness, then conversations are less flowing.

Unless you are OK with not talking, then talking tends to be awkward. 

Therefore be OK with silence. Be OK with simply being yourself. 

Good conversations and connection, in my opinion come from a creative free flowing space. This kind of being is unfamiliar to those who are very logically minded. It is a fun, easy and effortless kind of being, and comes more naturally when we feel safe. 

From this space of being, you can talk about anything, at any time, with seemingly no context, and the energy flows upwards and expands to make you and the other person feel good. A lot of the roots of social awkwardness, in my experience, comes from conditioning which is protecting us from being attacked. The brain will physiologically lock you into a certain kind of meek behavior because it is evolutionary protecting you from staying in your lane and keep you alive. This conditioning says that if you expose yourself or become too energetic, too charismatic or spread your wings, then the head of the tribe will perceive you as a threat and kill you. It says that we must speak in a certain way and maintain a certain conversational curriculum. We think we must behave in a very certain way in order to remain safe. This conditioning is no longer helpful in modern society.  In order to show the brain that we will remain safe, you can take action steps out of your comfort zone. You can give yourself exercises such as:

Compliment several strangers a day. This is a fun one and feels good. Sometimes the mind can say "but isn't it a bit weird? won't they think I'm strange?" but you can watch how people open up and you make there day better. This lets you see that you can be giving in your energy. Even if someone responds oddly, you will see how you are still safe.

You can also pick completely random subjects, the first thing that comes to mind, and open a conversation with a complete stranger. Or - the next time you find yourself in a conversation, pick any idea that free flows to your mind - if you feel stuck, look around you and pick the most random object and start talking about it to the other person. 

Do you think that might seem random or strange? Give it a go, and see how completely unphased the other person can be, as if it is the most natural place that the conversation was supposed to go. 

[Soulbass]

The contemplation of silence is important, but we'r designed to be social creatures.

[Phrae]

I think at least a portion of your shadow is at work here. Being a blunt person is kind of characteristic of not believing that there "could be" opposition to your point of view. Being bluntness in and of itself displays a stance and reflects an attitude of rigidness.

I think people need time to get something. Immediately when something is shown to them that invalidates their previous paradigms they get defensive. People need to think the stuff through and not feel like they've had the rug swept right from under them.

I find my points of view challenged almost every conversation. It's very rare that I don't, because I'm oddly perceptive of being accurate. To be  and that's probably a neurotic attitude from me to fulfill this image of being an accurate person. In fact, I often find myself finding out how bullshit the opposition was because sometimes it's a complete tangential point and I don't even notice it. I guess I need practice.

I just don't share personally. I am not good at it. I am quite judgmental when I do and people don't really care since I have nothing to show for it at this point.I don't know if there's a way to actually share something and not trigger the other person. I think maybe you should show complete 100% compassion which is maybe different than "emotional." It's like

"Hey you don't have to have my particular point of view AT ALL" -- your tone of voice should reflect an utter certainty of opposition and you should be contemplating that opposition intensely, even give it time when you immediately see the counter point. Retorting is not the priority here. validating the interesting point and proceeding with a BUT might be the way to go.

Anyway you'd do it you'd be extremely manipulative that it's not worth it tbh. Why be inauthentic? Even if it's your life purpose to share insight, why force it? The insights would prove themselves. It's not on you.

In a sense you would . I find myself if I have some deep insight that I believe I would share it and explain my entire motivation. I used to be a junkie that liked to share shit like I'm a master, but I've stopped that. I see how it's unreasonable for people to really listen to me casually unless I have serious justifications. I guess maybe stating things as a matter of fact is better done through a mentorship position, a position acquired through repeatedly proving yourself/what you have to say.

I don't know the context you're talking about your text text is too broad to dissect.

I am quite unassertive so maybe a bit of my observations is going to soften your bluntness.

 

[YaNanNallari]

@Soulbass Doesn't mean we need to or should follow that way too much though. Just saying

[alyra]

nah I find it imperative that we reconcile the social nature of humanity with our goals of self-actualization. it is like the wind eroding sharp edges. the form we take is the stone. eventually the wind brings us back to dust, but throughout that journey we have form, and the wind smooths the minor edges of the form, but does not destroy the form. Our natural behavior is to be social - in some, we do discard the social for pursuit of authenticity, but for most we hold the form of social interest. the wind flows around that form without disruption, and in fact for most of our life emboldens that form by removing the flaws which disrupt it - the anxieties and addictions that make us behave poorly. Perhaps the wind shifts where our existence rests, moving our form from one position to another. Some reach the form of monastery work, but most do not. this is all natural. 

 

we individually find various ways to pursue authenticity. as a group, we find stronger methods of that pursuit. but this does not mean we should all as a species discard our natural form in order to erase it so the wind flows without disruption. if this were what should happen, we would simply mass suicide. but the wind would not care if we did that, or if we held our most jagged form. mindfulness work is nothing more than allowing the wind to smooth the ruggedness of our form. 

 

ps. perhaps the better analogy is the formation of snowflakes. the wind puts us into form by chance, and that form builds upon itself until it crashes into the ground. Desert sands would show both these anologies actually - the wind forms a dune, and shapes it throughout its life. eventually the dune becomes one with the desert again. 

Edited January 19, 2017 by aryberry

[faith]

Well if you're very blunt, have you tried doing some loving-kindness meditation? If not, it's basically reflecting on giving love to yourself and the world while you're meditating. First you may start with yourself saying "May I be well, may I be fulfilled, may I be healthy" and then, you expand it to your family, to acquaintances, to strangers, to anybody you can think of. Become grateful for life and people. Breath in the pain of the world, breath out compassionate thoughts and feelings. Breath in all the anger and hostility you feel, all the confusion, and anxiety that you see, and breath out compassionate thoughts and feelings.

Also, it's all about finding balance. I come from a different side. I am a people pleaser, and so for me, I actually needed more of your personality. I needed to be more blunt and assertive. For you, it seems you may need more compassion and kindness towards others. And you don't have to people please, you can still keep your bluntness, in fact I think it's a vital part to your self-actualization, just like people pleasing was a vital part for me to find my own way. I guess we take our strengths and our weaknesses with us and make them a part of our spiritual healing. 

One thing that really seems to work is slowing yourself down while you're talking with someone. Imagine yourself conversing with someone. We usually do it in a pretty fast paced manner not paying close attention too much to what they're saying. If we are to converse mindfully, we must slow everything down: create longer eye contact, create slower nods, speak slower, smile longer, be silent longer if required. It may feel unnatural at first, but the benefit is so HUGE, you will be able to create meaning with anyone, and you may even reflect on that fleeting conversation (even if it's just a "good morning") later on during the day, and be thankful for it. It truly is a wonderful experience. 

Not everyone will be able to keep up with you. Some people may think you're weird. Some people won't talk to you because you're that guy that really loves to make connection and people are terrified of that, and some people will create unnecessary judgments and gossip and whatnot. But to walk by the beat of your own drummer, and to not be succumbed to joining the sheep of this world - isn't that something gold?

All the best to you my friend. I will think of you when I meditate today (and if I am too lazy), then tomorrow

Take care