How can I get to enjoy socializing?

[Illusory Self]

When I am in solitude, I seem to crave real person human connection. When I am around other people I just want to retreat back to my own solitude. Whenever I interact with someone, I don't seem to enjoy it whatsoever. Even my family members. When it comes to socializing, I almost feel somewhat dead inside. I have no charisma, humor, authentic expression... I really want to get better in this area of my life but socializing feels incredibly draining, even talking in general. 

This creates serious problems in my dating life as I am so much stuck in my head I never know what to say to anyone. A part of me just wants to be left alone in peace & quite. 

I am not sure if my lack of social expression is down to past trauma which just causes me to be in my head far to much, the feeling like I can't be myself or is it simply just a lack of social skills since I have never really been properly socialised when growing up. Right now I have almost given up on trying to improve my social life, because it feels so intensely emotionally draining & I don't enjoy it whatsoever. I am not sure that is the wisest decision to make.

Lately I have given up on dating since I would get loads of numbers & girls texting me but I genuinely do not know what to reply back & found it very draining so I removed a lot of people from my life. I don't really have anyone I communicate with now. I find that focusing on dating/sexuality really hinders my progress towards spirituality. I am kind of the person that seems to get really obsessed with mastering one thing. 

Whenever I interact with another human being, thoughts such as these will run through me head: How fast/slow should I be speaking, when I should I interrupt the other person talking so I can speak, how should I move my body. Probably the most crucial one is: what shall I say? For family members I tend to just surrender into not wanting to talk but I don't think that is healthy, I never seem to express myself. As you can imagine it becomes so much worse for me interacting with the opposite sex. I feel they are judging me on every little micro detail that I make in person. Feels so incredibly draining.

Right now I seemed to of just cut of communicating to most people in my life trying to focus on more spiritual/LP goals but I am not sure if that is the right thing to do. I tend to not even talk to them at all, so they just end up asking me loads of questions & I don't even enjoy giving responses. I am always thinking "what can I do next". 

I tend to feel like I have an unworthy personality & damaged ego. Never knowing how to authentically express myself.

[Preety_India]

This problem will only improve with more socializing. The more you push yourself to do it, the more you begin to enjoy it over time. 

[Gili Trawangan]

You're going to need to practice socialization. There are no easy answers, you need to force yourself to do it until it becomes easier and easier.

4 minutes ago, Illusory Self said:

Whenever I interact with another human being, thoughts such as these will run through me head: How fast/slow should I be speaking, when I should I interrupt the other person talking so I can speak, how should I move my body. Probably the most crucial one is: what shall I say?

Consider the "learning to drive a car" analogy. In the beginning, you need to think about all the little moves, the stick, the steering wheel, looking around, checking mirrors, etc. As time goes by and you do it everyday, it becomes automatic, internalized, and you then do it naturally, with ease. And if you stop driving for a few months, when you go back to it, you have lost some of that ease, you need to re-learn driving, but it's no longer starting from scratch, the body/mind will remember and soon enough you're driving without thinking about it.

Learning to drive a car can be scary, but you jump inside the car and start doing it. Same thing with socializing.

[Illusory Self]

6 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

This problem will only improve with more socializing. The more you push yourself to do it, the more you begin to enjoy it over time. 

A part me thinks it is part of unresolved past trauma and repressed emotion & the only way to free myself is to deal with that first or maybe it is from years of being in isolation just being with my own thoughts, not expressing myself

Edited February 23, 2022 by Illusory Self

[Illusory Self]

3 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

You're going to need to practice socialization. There are no easy answers, you need to force yourself to do it until it becomes easier and easier.

Consider the "learning to drive a car" analogy. In the beginning, you need to think about all the little moves, the stick, the steering wheel, looking around, checking mirrors, etc. As time goes by and you do it everyday, it becomes automatic, internalized, and you then do it naturally, with ease. And if you stop driving for a few months, when you go back to it, you have lost some of that ease, you need to re-learn driving, but it's no longer starting from scratch, the body/mind will remember and soon enough you're driving without thinking about it.

Learning to drive a car can be scary, but you jump inside the car and start doing it. Same thing with socializing.

True, I think there is a different between actually practicing & not doing anything though. 

Whenever I am around my family members, I kind of just give up most of the time & don't make an effort to do anything.

[Preety_India]

Just now, Illusory Self said:

A part me thinks it is part of unresolved past trauma and repressed emotion & the only way to free myself is to deal with that first or maybe it is from years of being in social isolation just being with my own thoughts, not expressing myself

In that case you need to work on both aspects 

Work on —

1) emotional trauma and blockages by dealing with your emotions and slowly processing and resolving them over time. Often times we're looking for some sort of a closure for our past emotions that have mostly been repressed. 

2) keep socializing in the meantime instead of putting it off for later because you're losing precious time in your youth when you don't socialize early on, you could be missing out on a lot of learning. If you have already spent a lot of time not socializing for any reason, it might be the right time to take it seriously and force execute it even though it's not exactly in your comfort zone, doing it right now will be fruitful for the future, better late than never, now is the time to learn and grow.