Am I neurotic or am I really fucking tired

[soos_mite_ah]

Ok so I haven't been taking care of myself super well because of my work load. My sleep schedule is really messed up, I don't have much time for myself (I have to plan out my days by the hour or else I wont get anything dont), and sometimes I'm not eating enough. On those days, I find my mind going to a really dark, self destructive, self deprecating, and overall chaotic place. When I'm living a day where I get some time for myself and opportunity to rest, I have no such problems. 

I know things like physiological brain chemistry is affected when you aren't taking care of yourself and that in turn affects your ability to think straight. But there is a part of me that wonders if this thought process is more reflective of wher I'm at with my consciousness because it's like my base line of sorts. 

So am I incredibly neurotic, or do I just need time to chill tf out? Which one is more reflective of my progress and my level of consciousness? 

[Roy]

It sounds like you are putting a lot of extra pressure on yourself, why is that?

[Loba]

@soos_mite_ah Both.  The calm and the storm are reflective of where you are at imo.
I am the same way, if I am in a calm environment where I can take care of myself and grow without a lot of stress, I am not neurotic, but the moment there is too much on my plate - it is like, I get overwhelmed with thoughts, and they take over and sometimes can cause delusions if they go on for too long - and then after a month or so of resting my brain - I am back to my "old self", which is very empathetic, good listening skills, good personal skills, kind, generous, all these good qualities that are so hard to maintain when stress hits.

I feel a bit like a Jeckyl and Hide sometimes because I can't handle stress too well and spend a lot of time trying to improve my mood, so that I can function like a normal person.

By baseline, do you mean - if you were stripped of nothing at all, that just the bare bones, the neuroticism would be a glue that holds a lot together?  Like a frightened child almost?  How was your upbringing, is there anything that happened that could have brought that out while you were growing?  Because a baseline of neuroticism during stress can be a sign of previous trauma.

How long do you have to live like this?
Is there any point in the future where you will get the chance to have a more stress free life?
Are you planning to build a stress free life for yourself?  I would asap, and do what you can to take care of yourself in the little ways each and every day, even for just five minutes.  I have started a self love and positivity journey and it is going well.

Because that state, although later on is helpful for uncovering the shadow, in the moment it is very hard to do to be conscious while going through it - and tbh - you can uncover more about yourself from a calmed place, so although it can serve some purpose in seeing where you need to grow - prolonged, it doesn't help anything, and a calm state is going to help you maintain your mood/positive feelings much better, and you will also learn more about yourself when in a good environment.

You can still grow, being stuck in a stressful place, but it is much harder and takes longer.

The good states and the bad states are both you, and both indicative of where you are at - there just might be a split that needs to be repaired, and a lot of people have that.  And it is perfectly okay.  I would continue with your writing, and perhaps, in some of those darker moments, when you have the time, get it all out there.  And feel through it, what is happening, perhaps what has happened - and put that dark energy into writing, because sometimes the darkness has a pattern of gold in it that you can't see until a year or two later.

Do you have any time for yourself for a meditation habit to separate yourself from these thoughts?
I would... meditate before writing when having these feelings to separate from them, and then inspect them like, from "above" yourself, like you just found a diamond and want to see every facet of it.  Really get in there and get a good look, while distanced a bit from the thoughts...

...and over time, you should find a lot of creative material from within them, many solutions, and there will be a subconscious pathway that can help lead you in the right direction - it takes a few years of writing if you don't have a lot already down, but if you do, you can start looking for it now.

When I had my mental breakdown and I went to the hospital for a month and a half, I wrote the whole breakdown down as I went insane for that year, and then later this year looked it over and found a lot of gems, about who I am as a person, that I was much smarter and stronger and more intuitive and creative in that moment than I ever thought I was - I had really... put myself down in a lot of ways because I hated myself, and seeing what I had written during those times gave me more humility, more creative material, more understanding of myself, my processes, ect, ect.

So when you feel the darkness, really, make a trail - to bridge the two together and take the time to really make it 'you'.  Because in these darker moments, sometimes we don't always see what makes us unique, so really showcase to yourself as best you can what you're all about, just get in there, into that subconscious and I promise the darker days will fuel some really beautiful things.

Also, try to take it easy, if you can.  Find ways to really pamper yourself, and just feel girly and lovely - set aside time just for that as often as you are able to.  It helps.  It really does.  I got really deep into the neurotic thoughts and depression, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I'm just crawling out of it, and after just a week of taking care of myself, I can already sense my self esteem coming back.

Do you have an underlying support system/ structure in place to keep everything together?  I found that I had to return to my parents and live with them in order to have this, for you it will probably be different, but getting that structure together made all the difference for me.  My anxiety was mostly survival oriented and once that was taken care of, it's like I slowly began to become a different, better person.

Letter from the universe, on the verge!  

[Osaid]

I have experienced something similar. When I get too stressed I get this weird depressive feeling, It's like a general feeling of lingering anxiety. Might be related to cortisol, I don't know for sure. Eating carbs helps but its an unsustainable solution. Getting enough sleep can definitely help, sleep deprivation is very taxing on the body.

Edited February 23, 2022 by Osaid

[puporing]

Yes we are a product of our environment. Stress really can change one's 'personality' and behaviors. I am much more able to feel peaceful and from a giving place when not over-stressed or around toxic people all the time. 

[decentralized]

You won't chill out until you get your life in order. You can change jobs if this lifestyle is putting you in so much pressure. You need to get good night sleep and have a balanced diet, I think this neurotic feelings are not going to clear away unless you take good care of yourself. I believe your emotional state at the moment is a symptom of your stressed and unbalanced lifestyle, you need to fix it asap so you can know if some of these feelings persist

[LastThursday]

@soos_mite_ah it seems like you already know the sources that trigger your negativity. Plan out your sleep as well as your eating and be strict about it - when it's necessary.

[Yarco]

I'm no psychologist, but I don't know if I've ever seen neurosis exist in isolation. My hypothesis would be that everybody has a predisposition toward a certain amount of neurosis, but then it has to be triggered by environmental factors, namely stress/pressure.

You rarely see a neurotic hippy or monk. Kids aren't naturally neurotic. Only once their parents, teacher, society starts applying too much pressure.

You can't change how genetically sensitive to stress/pressure you are, so all you can do is reduce it.

I don't think it has much to do with your level of consciousness. Aside from the fact that when you're in survival mode, you can't really worry about higher consciousness things.

11 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I have to plan out my days by the hour or else I wont get anything done

This is the problem that has to be solved. It's not sustainable.

CEOs don't even need to plan their days out in this much detail. Or maybe their schedule is full during working hours, but then they have time off. And they have a personal assistant to schedule all their work stuff for them.

Without knowing any details it's hard to say how to do this though. Delegation or cutting things out are the most obvious.

[soos_mite_ah]

15 hours ago, Roy said:

It sounds like you are putting a lot of extra pressure on yourself, why is that?

I'm taking on a heavier course load and I have a job so that I can graduate on time and so that my resume won't look like a skinny legend when I'm done with college. 

14 hours ago, Loba said:

By baseline, do you mean - if you were stripped of nothing at all, that just the bare bones, the neuroticism would be a glue that holds a lot together?  Like a frightened child almost?  How was your upbringing, is there anything that happened that could have brought that out while you were growing?  Because a baseline of neuroticism during stress can be a sign of previous trauma.

By baseline I mean what I'm like when my schedule is full and I don't have much time to rest, take time for myself, meditate etc. 

14 hours ago, Loba said:

Do you have any time for yourself for a meditation habit to separate yourself from these thoughts?

I give myself at least an hour to meditate and/or do absolutely nothing. It's the only thing that's keeping me going at the moment. 

14 hours ago, Loba said:

How long do you have to live like this?
Is there any point in the future where you will get the chance to have a more stress free life?

I don't know. I know at the very least that I'm going to be graduating at the end of this year. But whose to say my work life wont be as stressful or even more so? I've always been taught that stress will always be there and you need to find ways to cope and deal with it affectively. 

14 hours ago, Loba said:

Do you have an underlying support system/ structure in place to keep everything together? 

Yes, I do have friends I spend time with regularly. 

3 hours ago, Yarco said:

You rarely see a neurotic hippy or monk. Kids aren't naturally neurotic. Only once their parents, teacher, society starts applying too much pressure.

I've seen many neurotic hippies lol. And kids, have you seen them when they don't get a nap or haven't eaten in a little bit? They start to get cranky and start throwing tantrums. While I'm grown enough to not throw a tantrum externally and take my emotions out on others, I do catch my mind just not thinking straight. 

3 hours ago, Yarco said:

This is the problem that has to be solved. It's not sustainable.

yeah...... I'm currently not super sure how to go about doing that. I'm going to post my general schedule on this thread though

Edited February 23, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[Roy]

42 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm taking on a heavier course load and I have a job so that I can graduate on time and so that my resume won't look like a skinny legend when I'm done with college. 

Great to have that goal. Is any of that time you're putting towards it excess though? Do you think you could you accomplish more if you had solid rest, so you could accomplish more when you are doing that work?

[soos_mite_ah]

6 minutes ago, Roy said:

Great to have that goal. Is any of that time you're putting towards it excess though? Do you think you could you accomplish more if you had solid rest, so you could accomplish more when you are doing that work?

I do think I would be able to do more if I had more rest but because I'm not putting excess time towards it (I have strict boundaries with myself and the people I work with), its hard to find extra time to not do anything. 

[soos_mite_ah]

This is what I'm working with rn 

1 minute ago, soos_mite_ah said:

My Current Routines 

***Note: Sometimes I skip an item here and there so I can get in more sleep or have more time for myself as needed

Monday / Wednesday 

• 7:30-8: Get up, brush my teeth, wash my face etc. 
• 8-10: Answer email, do small assignments, eat something 
• 10-11: Work out with a friend
• 11-12: Eat lunch with a friend and walk back to my dorm 
• 12-1: Take a shower, get dressed, walk to class
• 1-2: Class
• 2-5:30: Work + commute time (Commute is about an hour, 20 minutes there and 40 minutes back. I normally listen to music or youtube videos on my watch later section. But on some days, work is remote so I get that extra time to myself)
• 5:30-6:30: Take a break/ meditate 
• 6:30-7:30: Eat dinner 
• 7:30-12: Do homework with breaks as needed 
• 12-1: scroll through my phone 

 

Tuesday/ Thursday

• 8-8:30: Get up, brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed etc. 
• 8:30-9:20 ish: Eat breakfast 
• 9:30-3:30: Classes with no breaks 
• 3:30-5:00: Take a break/ meditate/ eat a snack
• 5-6: Therapy/ career development meeting 
• 6-7: dinner 
• 7-8: break 
• 8-12: homework with breaks as needed.
• 12-1: scroll through phone 

Friday

• 8-8:30: Get up, brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed etc.
• 8:30-10: Workout + take a shower
• 10-12: Meet up with a friend
• 12-1: Get something to eat 
• 1-2: Class
• 2-5:30: Work + Commute (Commute is about an hour, 20 minutes there and 40 minutes back. I normally listen to music or youtube videos on my watch later section. But on some days, work is remote so I get that extra time to myself)
• 5:30-6:30: Take a break/ meditate 
• 6:30-7:30: Eat dinner 
• 7:30-12: Do homework with breaks as needed 
• 12-1: scroll through my phone 

Weekend: 

• Wakeup whenever I want 
• Study/ get ahead in classes:  2-6 hours depending on  work load
• Get some chores done (buy snacks for the room, cook with my roommate, clean up, run errands etc.): 2 hours or so
• Hang out with a couple of friends in the evening 
• Maybe get work out for 1 hour if I feel like it

[Roy]

I'm gonna pick a bit at this, just to challenge that your schedule may not be as rigid as you think.

8-10 = The assignments (if you can) I would move into your 2nd half of the day with your other studying time. It should only take about 30 mins to go through a couple emails and eat a small breakfast.

11-1 = You are walking leaving home and then coming back for a shower? Why not shower in the morning or before you leave?

Also you could get a bicycle, it x4 faster than walking. Exercise + time saver.

5:30-7:30 is a long time for meditation and dinner. I would maybe cut your afternoon and studying in time in two, have half of it when you get home from work after a small 30 min break to meditate, 1 hr for dinner, then the rest of night for studying/assignments.

12-1 = I would meditate in this time to help you sleep better, instead of phone stuff.

Just some ideas to optimize, not trying to be too critical 

[soos_mite_ah]

50 minutes ago, Roy said:

I'm gonna pick a bit at this, just to challenge that your schedule may not be as rigid as you think.

I appreciate it. Thay's why I included it  

50 minutes ago, Roy said:

8-10 = The assignments (if you can) I would move into your 2nd half of the day with your other studying time. It should only take about 30 mins to go through a couple emails and eat a small breakfast.

I think this is something I can try. I try to get the small stuff done and out of the way so that my to-do list doesn't look too intimidating and so that I feel like I've got a good start on my day. 

50 minutes ago, Roy said:

11-1 = You are walking leaving home and then coming back for a shower? Why not shower in the morning or before you leave?

I do this mainly because I'm kind of sweaty after my work out and I need to change out of my workout clothes anyway as well as pick up the stuff I need for work and school. 

50 minutes ago, Roy said:

Also you could get a bicycle, it x4 faster than walking. Exercise + time saver.

I can probably look into this. 

50 minutes ago, Roy said:

5:30-7:30 is a long time for meditation and dinner. I would maybe cut your afternoon and studying in time in two, have half of it when you get home from work after a small 30 min break to meditate, 1 hr for dinner, then the rest of night for studying/assignments.

I like to take about an hour to eat and 20 minutes to an hour to meditate. I find myself feelling pretty tired by the time I finish work and my class and I find myself really needing a break at that time. I find that starting work right after or 30 minutes after I get back that I can't really focus. 

50 minutes ago, Roy said:

12-1 = I would meditate in this time to help you sleep better, instead of phone stuff.

I do this mainly because at the end of the day I find myself really wanting to goof off a little. Meditation for me is largely a self care thing at this time that stops me from going insane lol. I know this is getting kind of problematic since I am dealing with the whole "revenge bed time procrastination" thing. That further fucks up my sleep schedule because the night is the only time I really get time for myself meaning I end up staying up later than I should. Sure I have time to eat, work out, and meditate, but because of how otherwise packed my schedule is, the time I do have to take care of myself feels like I am recharging to go and do more things rather than me actually have time for myself to enjoy and just be. 

Edited February 23, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[Michael569]

17 hours ago, Loba said:

Because a baseline of neuroticism during stress can be a sign of previous trauma.

couldn't agree more (and with everything else @Loba said). Sometimes what we would label as "neurotic" or "messy" or whatever name you put on it is just a child screaming inside of us that needs soothing, love and that needs to be cared for. 

[soos_mite_ah]

1 hour ago, Michael569 said:

couldn't agree more (and with everything else @Loba said). Sometimes what we would label as "neurotic" or "messy" or whatever name you put on it is just a child screaming inside of us that needs soothing, love and that needs to be cared for. 

Let me get this straight, so a lot of the self deprecating might just be issues that are there but aren't at the surface to where I can recognize them on a regular basis but they come to the surface because my inner child is having a tantrum because she is tired. Does that sound correct? 

But at the same time, there have been a few instances where I have noted down my inner dialog to look back at later after I got something to eat and took a nap. And when I would look back, I found myself thinking *wtf was that* because there is no way that I could be in the right head space and say those things to myself.