Powering through difficult conversations

[PepperBlossoms]

I have basically failed in some way or another at almost every difficult conversation but I have some tips that I'd like to try for whenever my next one is and here they are:

Be physically closer to the person (depends on your relationship) so that there are less distractions in the room to look at and you can hear each other better.  You may be more likely to treat each other better when you are closer too... maybe.

Focus on the words the person is saying.  That is what they are wanting to talk about and work on.  Yes they are using a tone too but that could be interpreted incorrectly and if your voice is softer, theirs will already sound relatively more aggressive or vice versa.  Also, your past experience with tones will shape your interpretation of it and that will most likely be different from theirs.  They could have been around aggressive tones and find them normal and you could have been around soft tones all the time and find that normal and then you have two normals thinking that the other is not.  The tone could be mean, scared, whatever but don't always let that get to you and try to focus on the words.  (Yes I can see though that we will still want to make meaning from tone - I have just found that I have ended up using the other person's tone as a focus point, distraction, and excuse instead of their words and was not able to get through the conversation and would tend to quit because of it and also that focusing on that made it harder for me to focus on the word content itself).  (My bf came up with the tone difference thing not me.)

Resist the urge to leave the room.  Focus on what the voice is saying.

Resist the urge to respond with anything that will go off topic or criticize the other person.  Stay on topic.  Going off topic can add hours and hours to an already difficult conversation.  Going off topic is better for conversations that are not so emotionally heated but yes I can see that there can be times when it may be better to change topic.

Resist the urge to respond with any emotion other than a productive emotion.  I suggest starting and finishing the conversation with a productive emotion.  Starting the conversation with an upset attitude can be harder to transition out of.  I presume that when both parties are able to maintain productive emotions instead of upset emotions, it is far more likely for the conversation to be successful, whatever that means.

Consider generating an idea of what the end result of the conversation looks like as well as what the steps to get there may look like.  (THIS IS HUGE ACTUALLY especially for difficult conversations)  Like - why the heck are you having this difficult conversation in the first place and do both parties understand the significance?  You are possibly very much so risking your relationship having this conversation so you want to try to do it as best as you can.

So again, your main goals here are to focus on the words themselves, stay on topic, do not give up, try to stick with it, and maintain a productive attitude.  

I am guilty at basically failing horribly at every single one of these over and over again but it can be helpful to identify where the failure is happening so you have something to work on.

[hyruga]

Hi, 

By looking through the length of your posts, one can easily tell that you are someone who has a lot to talk about and you probably talk a lot in real life as well.

My suggestion for you is that you take a step back and talk less. When you talk less, you listen more to others as well. After listening, insteading of always bring forward your own egoic agenda, try to rephrase what the other person is say. When you do that, you are actually acknowledging their presence and words and it helped build relationships. 

Also smile more and have positive body language. This will convey to them that you are here to collaborate and have fun and you are not trying to outwit them, beat them at conversation. Treat life as a game of fun and teamwork, not as a competition.

[PepperBlossoms]

@hyruga Yeah you are right.  I often forget that life is a game and to not take it so seriously and I need to work on teamwork and trying to respond better to the other person's needs. 

Sometimes our biggest critics are our best teachers.

And that no individual wins because we all die in the end so all the more reason to work together while we are here! 

Yeah sometimes I get entranced by my thoughts and forget about the others involved...  Nice observation on the "someone who has a lot to talk about" haha.  I guess I am going through a lot emotionally right now and the above may have just cost me a relationship.

Edited February 23, 2022 by PepperBlossoms