How to not suppress my gay side ?

[Someone here]

As I mentioned in another thread ..I'm bisexual. Which means I'm emotionally and sexually attracted to both males and females. It's easy and socially acceptable to date a girl as a guy ..however it's not easy to date a guy in my society. Homosexuality is considered a sin in my country (india). And I don't want to suppress my gay side .today I allowed myself to look at nude pictures of attractive men and I allowed myself to get aroused by it . But I want to build a healthy relationship with a guy . How do I go about dealing with my gay side ?

Thanks. 

[puporing]

Hmm... very tricky given the social climate where you're located. Almost like the more it is suppressed the more it makes you think about it/obsessed. I guess talking about it here might help as you feel safe to express it and people aren't bashing you with a hammer. Could try talking to a foreign therapist if you can afford to. How important is expressing this side of you to you? Maybe you would even consider relocating to an LGBTQ-friendly country for it. 

[Gesundheit2]

I wonder what suppressing one side of a bisexual identity would look like. Could suppressing your straight side turn you into a 100% gay, and vice-versa?

[Someone here]

Bisexuality is more complicated than that, of course.such as pansexuality and omnisexuality, bisexuality implies an attraction to multiple (or all) genders. The simplification of being attracted to men and women (especially wherein these genders are assumed to be cis) is not only incorrect but also harmful. But as a kid without a deep understanding of gender, I was nonetheless struck by my best friend’s definition.

You see, growing up, I was confused. Many queer kids have a similar experience: We’re presented with only one option of what relationships look like—cis man plus cis woman equals true love forever!—and we can sometimes sense early on that something about our internal experience feels different.

In the fifth grade, when a friend of mine sneered that I was gay as an insult, I thought maybe I had landed on a name for what I felt. But I went home and asked my dad what that meant, and it still didn’t fit. I wasn’t straight like I was supposed to be, but damn it, I wasn’t this countercultural “gay” thing either.

I felt stuck. As I saw it at the time, there were girls who were attracted to boys, and there were girls who were attracted to girls, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t simply pick one. I was both—and I thought I was the only one.

[Someone here]

15 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I wonder what suppressing one side of a bisexual identity would look like. Could suppressing your straight side turn you into a 100% gay, and vice-versa?

I was fortunate never to encounter homophobic, biphobic or transphobic (HBT) bullying at school, I didn't come out until my mid-20s. I did however grow up hearing HBT language on a daily basis, whether it was using the word gay to describe something that was 'a bit rubbish', or as an insult. So I never even considered that I might be gay. Gay was a bad thing, a negative thing. There was no way I was gay.

Growing up  meant that there were no 'out' teachers at school, and organisations like Diversity Role Models (DRM) didn't seem to exist. Sex education was strictly heterosexual and only about reproduction. So, without positive LGBT Role Models, healthy discussion around sexuality or the tackling of HBT language in schools, I had no point of reference for myself as a young gay man. 

I'm feeling my gay side getting stronger recently. 

Any advice? 

[Preety_India]

I knew a guy in school who was gay and was in a relationship with another guy. I don't think it's a big deal in India. You could still do it although not too publicly but nobody would care  too much about your bedroom so I don't think you would face a problem. 

I mean you can do it secretly. 

 

Edited February 23, 2022 by Preety_India

[flowboy]

@Someone here  Easier said then done: but in order to recover from this habit of repressing your gay side, you need to be in an environment where it is accepted. Without acceptance around you, you'll always be swimming against the stream with it, feeling alone and it will be very hard to release the internalised judgment that gets absorbed from the social environment.

Couple ways:

• Find a network of gay / LGBTQ people and go to meetups. They must exist, but in your environment they are probably underground, so you should make your own judgment around how safe that is to try and find.
• Go to another country. For a few months, or even longer. Experience what it's like to be in a scene where it is openly accepted and encouraged to be your full self. Even a week long retreat can do wonders.

I would personally choose the option of going to another country to experience the scene where it is accepted.

It's so important to have the right community.

Edit: if @Preety_India thinks it's no big deal, then you can definitely start to ask around and start to network a bit, you'll find more people like you. I just know very little about India, so I don't want to be advising you something that can get you into serious trouble.

Edited February 23, 2022 by flowboy

[Gesundheit2]

24 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I'm feeling my gay side getting stronger recently. 

Any advice? 

Maybe it's the semen retention.

[Someone here]

@Preety_India @flowboy @Gesundheit2 @Medhansh

Thanks for the helpful responses.

My problem is that I wanted to be myself, but I hoped and prayed that my feelings would go away, because I feared rejection.

Growing up I didn’t have the language to tell people I was bi. I knew I wasn’t only attracted to women but felt ashamed and had to hide it from my friends. At school, calling someone a gay was considered the worst insult, so I knew that if I came out, I’d risk losing people or being treated differently. That made me push down my feelings and hide parts of myself, even from myself.

I think that denying my experiences lead to anxiety and negatively affected my self-esteem. I couldn’t express, explore and embrace my full self.

[Someone here]

@Medhansh yes im an Indian. of course I'm keeping it a secret lol

[flowboy]

50 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I think that denying my experiences lead to anxiety and negatively affected my self-esteem. I couldn’t express, explore and embrace my full self.

Yes, exactly. And the social/cultural environment led to denying the experiences.

 

[Someone here]

18 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Yes, exactly. And the social/cultural environment led to denying the experiences.

 

Yeah man. It hurts when the community dismisses or attacks your identity as a bi person, pushes you to the fringes, stereotypes you or denies who you are as a ‘phase’ or a ‘lie.’ When I told gay and lesbian friends of mine that I was going to tell my parents I’m bi, they told me I should ‘check’ first by sleeping with a woman. When I look back at that, I’m disappointed that they would doubt me and put me down instead of raising me up the way I hoped they would. After all, I know myself better than anyone.

[kray]

Don't suppress it, embrace it. I have no right to talk about this subject as I am a straight male, but I've noticed in my bi friends that when they do let loose in both sides of their sexual spectrum, they tend to be happier. And many of my friends are Indian/Asian. You do what makes you happy, and your parents will accept you for who you are because at the end of the day, you are THEIR child, and that unconditional love will be there. 

[Someone here]

7 hours ago, kray said:

Don't suppress it, embrace it. I have no right to talk about this subject as I am a straight male, but I've noticed in my bi friends that when they do let loose in both sides of their sexual spectrum, they tend to be happier. And many of my friends are Indian/Asian. You do what makes you happy, and your parents will accept you for who you are because at the end of the day, you are THEIR child, and that unconditional love will be there. 

Hiding my identity will eventually take its toll, whether it's being done consciously or unconsciously. For me the last few years of my teens were an incredibly difficult and anxious time. As my male  friends started talking about girls dating and embarking upon long term relationships, I found I had no interest in the opposite sex at all, and started to feel like there was something horribly wrong with me. Over time this certainly impacted my own mental health and self-esteem. I tried to pretend to be like the other guy, but that didn't really feel good, I became far more interested in writing and making theatre than I was in girls , so I threw myself in to that instead.

[BipolarGrowth]

I encourage you to try to meet some guys. I see that this will be more difficult in India, but I’m sure there is some sort of scene for that. Some sort of online dating platform might be worth a shot. 
 

Relationships among men can be rather special from my experience, although I do have a preference for females. I wish you luck in finding someone.