Am I Enabling My Girlfriend?

[WisdomSeeker]

I've fallen for this girl, which is not something I easily do, since I have a very happy independent life. She had some issues she was running into, she never asked but I offered to financially help. I was glad to help someone out. To be fair she legitimately lives in a developing nation, so it's easy to see how these things can come up, especially in times of covid, which have hit the developing world especially hard. I question how much I'm actually helping and worry that this can become a form of dependency that I've created. I really love this girl and may in the future want to move to something serious like marriage, but I never want to be a sole financial provider. I'd rather have a partner on this journey. She confirmed she's willing to be a partner not a dependent, but I worry she still may rely on me to consistently help financially during these emergencies that come up. Any thoughts on what I should do? 

[Roy]

These kind of situations are extremely tricky and ripe for abuse and manipulation. Tread lightly and consider yourself warned.

I think gestures like this are OK when they are sparse and if someone is legitimately going through an emergency, but watch out for how often it's happening and the reasons behind it.

If she keeps asking over and over again, one of the times consciously withhold what she is asking for to test her. Her reaction should reveal a lot about what's really going on.

[Yarco]

Not nearly enough details to give an answer.

From just your text this reads almost like a Russian Bride type situation where you aren't just enabling, you might be getting scammed.

It's also entirely possible this girl completely loves you and is loyal, maybe you've been talking for years and have video calls for hours every day and have a real connection. But from just the information you've provided, I have no way to weigh those probabilities.

Edited February 20, 2022 by Yarco

[Loba]

I agree with Roy and Yarco, I have helped people in situations in the past and they became very dependent on it, and I did it out of care/concern for them and it was not ever paid back/ I was still not treated well/ no gratitude for my efforts.  You could get scammed easily, too, in these situations.  Just be careful.

Don't keep offering her money all the time - and do it when you feel like you want to, not because you feel pressured.
 

Edited February 20, 2022 by Loba

[Preety_India]

9 minutes ago, Loba said:

I agree with Roy and Yarco, I have helped people in situations in the past and they became very dependent on it, and I did it out of care/concern for them and it was not ever paid back/ I was still not treated well/ no gratitude for my efforts.  You could get scammed easily, too, in these situations.  Just be careful.

Don't keep offering her money all the time - and do it when you feel like you want to, not because you feel pressured.
 

 

Sometimes there's a patronizing tendency for people from first world countries to automatically assume that someone from a third world is dating them only for money or to leech off. It can easily become degrading for the person from third world to be considered a leech for absolutely no reason even when they haven't asked for financial favors.. 

Any woman who is Asian from a third world country who dates a white man is automatically thought of as a goldigger wanting a guy's money. It's a very demeaning thing if you've been in those shoes. 

When I was dating my American ex, some people thought that way but I never asked him for anything at all, if anything I was the one who helped him with money on multiple occasions. 

Not everyone is looking to scam or dupe, that's an unnecessary suspicion, demeaning to the other person and a scarcity mindset  based perception. 

If a guy has such thoughts about his woman, he better just not date her at all and let her know what he thinks and save everyone's time and heartache. 

A lot of women suffer humiliation and heartache when they're accused of shit based on preposterous projections and insecurities. It doesn't help to hold deep insecurities and fears and then not actually communicate them to the partner and leave them clueless, high and dry later on. 

Better for them is to leave them alone. They might find someone else who is a  better match and someone who doesn't doubt their intentions all the time. Time saved. 

 

[Loba]

@Preety_India That would be the other side of it if she is true, and we can't determine this based on the amount of info he has given, but in my experience, giving out money ended up with me getting emotionally scammed.

Let's see what OP has to say, maybe there is more to the story.

[aurum]

2 hours ago, WisdomSeeker said:

She confirmed she's willing to be a partner not a dependent, but I worry she still may rely on me to consistently help financially during these emergencies that come up. Any thoughts on what I should do? 

Best option is to keep an eye on it.

Define for yourself some clear boundaries on how much is too much. Perhaps share them with her if you feel that’s appropriate, Then if the situation keeps escalating, you’ll know something is off.

What the boundaries should be is hard to say and very subjective. Depends on your and her financial situation and what you want out of this relationship. So you may have to do some introspection and digging here.

Edited February 20, 2022 by aurum

[Preety_India]

6 hours ago, Loba said:

@Preety_India That would be the other side of it if she is true, and we can't determine this based on the amount of info he has given, but in my experience, giving out money ended up with me getting emotionally scammed.

Let's see what OP has to say, maybe there is more to the story.

Yup. Waiting for OP to clarify. 

[hamedsf]

OK, as a man, being a provider is not a bad thing in a relationship, but when she sees you ONLY as a $ sign and not as an eggplant, that's gonna be problematic, because ultimately, she will get her money from you and the eggplant from another man. 

so, be aware that you balance out those dynamics. 

[WisdomSeeker]

@Yarco We've talked for 8 months. We've met in her home country and spent 9 days together. We have a very special and genuine connection. I met her family and we talk every day on video calls for an average an hour. 

 

@Preety_India @LobaI truly don't believe her to be a gold digger at all. If she was she'd be spending money on unneccessary crap. That's what makes this more difficult her and her family's needs are legit, but I also don't want to create a relationship of unhealthy co-dependency. After all they were surviving before I came into the picture.  That's the tricky part and I forgot to mention, in her culture being a first born she's expected to help support her family even help raise her siblings (which she did they are all grown now.)  So, it's likely if we were to get married, these emergencily payments would likely be made into monthly payments, that's what would be expected possibly forever. I didn't know this going into the relationship. I know the financial support would help them, but to Aurum's point, boundaries need to be established and a threshold of an amount will need to be set by me. It's difficult because her family likely thinks I'm rich (because I'm American), I'd hate to cause friction between her and her family, she's trying to play nicely between her family, while ensuring we can still build a life  and not be bankrupt by her family, and I'm tallying up expenses I wasn't expecting to account for and thinking, "am I crazy for even entertaining this?",  but she's someone I care for.  

Edited February 28, 2022 by WisdomSeeker