1/2 of ecstasy without respect can also be the way to hell

[Kikachu]

Hi, I would like to share my experience with you. I had a problem with depression and a strong feeling that life didn't make sense for many years. I read a lot about psychedelics at the time and I told my boyfriend, who had similar problems, that I would like to try it. It was 2 years ago, we wanted nothing more than to solve our problems. We tried different substances, the whole thing took about 3 months, but I had the impression, that one trip followed another. As if a process had started. And there were moments when I realized there was no going back anymore, which was scary because I didn't know where it was going. After each trip, I thought it was just my imagination. The whole process led me to explain that God exists and that my feelings of depression stem from the fact, that I can't really believe he exists.

Then the day came when I took ecstasy. Only 1/2. I always took less. But this time without respect. I had bad trips before, I thought I already knew how to handle it. It seemed to me for a long time that nothing was happening. I was thinking if I should eat the other half too. Rather not. I was sitting on the bed and my boyfriend played this video: 

I got the feeling that I was the whole universe, it was the best feeling ever, then I saw the part of the video where Pikachu turns into God. Then the feeling came, the other feeling, the feeling I know from somewhere, I told to myself: "oh no, oh no, noooo, this is the moment I have known since childhood that it will come, oh no, oh fucking nooooo!!!! I can't turn into God!!!", and then the process began when you feel that the whole reality is going to collapse into a singularity, but I was so scared of it and I didn't understand what should I do,  everything was getting black and I felt like I was going to burn, I saw that I had 2 options, either I leave it and try to become God, or to ask my boyfriend for help. I didn't understand if I was making up nonsense or what, I felt like a black hole would eat me and my consciousness would get stuck in it, in that singularity at infinity, in infinite pain and chaos, so I asked my friend for help and that stopped the whole process at that point. For another week I had panic attacks, heard voices, when I slept at night, it was as if my consciousness was still on, I went into different layers of the subconscious, in each layer I talked to those voices, and they explained something to me about the meaning of existence, but every time I understood that, it threw me out of that layer and I don't even remember what I learned there, all I remember is that I once asked why all this is happening to me (I was totally desperate and I wanted it to end), the voice replied: "because we want to save you", every day I felt like the same day was repeating, the same sounds at the same hours, my father said the same thing every day, I think I was in hell, but all the time I knew that if I didn't get over it, I would get stuck in it. I didn't understand what was real and what wasn't, so I said to myself: "well, this is all real for me now, I'll get used to it", after that week the reality was more or less in order, it happened two years ago and by now I still haven't been able to decide if I went straight to hell or I really went on the path of becoming God. 

The following year after these experiments was very difficult. We have found out that there is no magic medicine for our problem, but only hard work awaits us. That many of our problems were the result of laziness and hiding from ourselves. From the beginning of the second year, until now two thoughts have struggled in me. One part of me wanted to try to become God, again and again, the other tried to prevent it because it seemed too dangerous. A few times I had marijuana and it seemed to start again, but even though I wanted it to happen, my other half always started to panic and stopped it.

So, in the end, I accepted that I am not God   

But the most shocking thing for me was as if I've ever experienced it, the feeling when the whole reality started to fall into a singularity. It was still accelerating and I felt like I was approaching a border. Before that border, I still knew who I was and what was going on. But I felt that if I crossed that line, I would not return. There was only chaos and pain that grew endlessly. As a child, I had a high fever when I was sick and I had hallucinations, when I woke up I felt like I woke up from that hell beyond that border. As if I've tried so many times to become God, but failed and got stuck in that hell, and from that hell, I woke up again to my childhood, where I have a high fever and I wake up from those hallucinations...as some kind of checkpoint...so that my whole reality does not have to arise again and again from the very origin of the universe.

In fact, if I accept that I am God, that does not solve my problem at all because my problem stems from not being able to take on so much responsibility. It helps me more to know that God is and can help me.

So, this is my crazy story that completely changed my view of reality  

[Nahm]

26 minutes ago, Kikachu said:

 I had bad trips before, I thought I already knew how to handle it.

Experienced those fevers and hallucinations as a kid as well. ?? 

There’s not really any ‘bad trips’. 

Just the discord of thought attachment, about yourself. ?

There isn’t a ‘you’ which ‘takes on responsibility’. 

Only the discordant thought(s) that there is. 

There’s no “hell” my love! 

[Pateedm]

@Nahm

Loving your vibe at the moment! ?