Living Out My Movie

[Grant6]

This is my first journal. I've been deeply inspired by Leo's most recent blog post to make this. He mentions how him explaining in his videos many of the biggest truths that he has realized has been like spoiling the movie for his viewers. Now in my personal life, I actually hate when people spoil movies or tv shows for me, so I think it's funny how I have been watching Leo's videos for over 6 years now and love being spoiled about the nature of reality, awakening/enlightenment/Truth, all that juicy, delicious stuff that no one else ever talks about. Anyways, what this made me painfully aware of is that I have been (to use the same metaphor that he uses) hearing Leo talk about Africa for over 6 years, and have done nothing more than look up photos and articles of Africa online, and read a few books about Africa. For the past 6 years, that is more than enough time to go to Africa, go on safaris, see animals, eat amazing food, meet incredible people, open myself to new perspectives, and do it all in real life. But I haven't. Now I consider myself a fairly wise person; of course, having "wasted" all that time perhaps I am not as wise as I think. But one thing for sure is that I do value Truth more than anyone in my personal life. I feel very lucky to have stumbled upon Actualized.org one day, my first video being "How To Master & Control Your Emotions". 7 years ago that was, it was a recommended video from YouTube, and I noticed something different about what I watched. There was something special about this video. The presentation of it, the content itself, how its articulated. I was hooked immediately. I bought the book list. I bought the life purpose course. I have read about 10 books so far, have gotten half way through the life purpose course, and have watched nearly all of Leo's videos. I am a pretty avid fan. I value all the wisdom and importance of what is being taught here, and yet I've been, as Leo puts it, sucking on his tit for all these years. I realize how attached I am to his videos, and even though Leo's tits taste really fuckin' good—I mean damn I could suck on those all day, and I'm straight as fuck—it's now time for me to start becoming independent, and beginning the process of ultimately transcending Actualized.org. I can't stop listening to Leo give me all the juicy and detailed spoilers of this movie—I have to start living out my movie, hence the name of this journal.

So why am I writing this in the first place. I have no plan for this right now, I have no idea where it is going to go—it might not go anywhere, this may be the only thing I post. But I have been planning, and researching shit my whole life, and not taking action. Why? Because fear still has a strong hold on me (I am actually in the process of writing down my fears for the next seven days, the exercise from Leo's fear videos, and have already been getting some things down I was not aware of), and I am attached to things being perfect. The old me would never have wrote this and published it, because he would have been so anal about getting the wording right, making sure it was as authentic as possible, making sure it was understandable for people to read and follow along, fearing that others would judge him, fearing that he would be embarrassed, etc. That shit has kept me paralyzed for too long. So here I am, just doing it. No longer am I going to be held back by perfectionism, and fear. That's the goal anyway. I will be embodying courage in my life, and getting up in fears face, and throwing him off the fucking building, then jumping off the building myself... with a parachute of course. Not sure if that metaphor makes sense but you know what I'm getting at. I wrote something down in a recent journal I wrote (I have been keeping my own personal journal for a long time now), and I said, "you have a decision: you can either keep chasing emotional states and immediate gratification—or you can become a results-maker, and start delaying gratification. The latter will require you to be unhappy sometimes, to be frustrated, to feel rejected, to be confused, to be sad, lonely... but that is what it takes to get what you really want. So what, Grant, will you do?" And me making this first journal post is my sort of way of choosing the courageous path. I won't be perfect on it, of course not, but I can't keep fearing to start the path because I won't be perfect at it. That is not an excuse that I can use anymore. And so I am not aiming for perfection with this journal either, like I normally would. Rather, I am aiming to just document my path, the ups and downs, the plot twists, the character arcs, all that jazz. Except I know there's going to be no credit sequence at the end of it... just the movie itself, its own reward.

[Ulax]

Right on, dude! Look forward to watching your progress 

[Grant6]

Life is messy.

 

I wanted to believe the opposite—that life is straightforward. That would make life pretty easy. In the ultimate sense, you could make that argument. But in the world of relativity, it is messy as hell. Everything is so intertwined, life can feel like those really stubborn and annoying knots that you try to untangle, like a necklace or a pair of earbuds, and trying to untangle that shit really tests my patience. And I am a very patient person relatively speaking. Life tests my patience so much, because as I am getting more into personal development, these annoying stubborn knots are becoming more aware to me, my inner demons, and now that I am trying to actually untangle them—face them head on, instead of ignore them, it's hard. It's messy. It's complicated.

As I am beginning to tackle this challenge, I notice myself getting frustrated simply because of the knots very existence.

"Why is life so frustrating? I don't want to deal with this shit!" I would think. 

"Oh, because life isn't as straightforward as I thought. This shit is messy. And I have to deal with it."

It's like your mother asking you to clean your room, and instead of cleaning it you pout and complain about why it isn't already clean in the first place, then proceed to refuse to clean your room. It's immaturity. I'm in the process of growing up. I'm being forced to embrace the mess that is my life. And that's ok. I suppose one way to look at it is, if life was clean what would the point of living even be? To just enjoy it I guess. But then there's no room for growth. The messiness of life is what breeds growth. If I care at all about growing myself, I need to embrace that life isn't easy. Take that challenge on. This perfectionistic attitude I have about life has to go. It's holding me back, and is counterproductive to the healthy lifestyle that I want to create.

 

Time to take 100% responsibility for my life.