Our right for the ideal partner is in our willingness to not have one.

[Nightwise]

Hey everybody. I just shared a post on my Facebook wall which I though might be worth to translate (from Dutch to English) and share with you guys. I share it because I think it's a really essential concept that almost everybody overlooks or ignores in western society today (at least as far as I can tell) . Let me know what you think of it .

The PUA community might rebel against this post because it goes against the idea of having high standards, which is indeed important to attracting more (physically) attractive girls, but I mostly rebel against that idea for the sake of compassion and trying to help and elevate others as described in the post; Especially when those high standards have to do with raw, physical appearance. I would turn down a girl/woman though who has a really shitty, toxic personality and is unwilling to be humble and yielding or change to begin with. 

Because it's translated the post may not have as much quality in comparison when I would've typed it directly in english, though I have read over and corrected the translated version. 

Here she goes:

"A lot of the problems and practices in dating and relationships have to do with people focusing too much on what 'I' want rather than on what I can give 'her/him'. 

We think far too little about how we can help someone else become the person we find so attractive. We think that someone else should have all kinds of qualifications, but it never occurs to us that we can contribute to help that person through our love to become our version of the ideal man/woman. 

An essential question to ask: Why do we expect to have the right to have the ideal man/woman as a partner yet be unwilling to have a relationship with someone who is not "ideal" (whatever that actually means), with the intention of making this partner into our ideal partner? 

For example in dating: Does someone (or his/her profile) on a dating site not have the ideal qualities of traits? Consider STILL giving this person a like or a message. Why? Because we need more people like you who don't see others for as they are now, but who see and help them become who they CAN be.  

See people for how they are, then they will remain as they are. See people for how they can be, then they will become what you already see in them. 

If we're not willing to do that, we'll be left with a society where both men and women become very frustrated at not being able to find the ideal partner. You see the deep-seated problem here? 

I would even go as far to say this: Your right to be in a relationship with the ideal man/woman lies in your willingness to be in a relationship with a man of woman who has (possibly many) problems, and despite all those problems you are still willing to give your whole heart to that person to help them overcome their problems and make them much happier and fulfilled, and potentially (but not necessarily) even the ideal partner you would spend the rest of your life with. But such a relationship could also be taken as an intermediary step.

Small final comment: It also requires that men get over their obsession with appearance in their (potential) partner. As much as men try to see their partner as a young woman with a tight, clean skin, it will not actually make their partner look younger. However, they can see their partner as a very attractive woman, and that will give their partner much more radiance, much more beauty, splendor and life force; And these qualities go much deeper than the qualifications of the flesh. It is up to you whether you want a younger woman or not, but I do think that older women could need attention and love more than younger women. I feel a lot of compassion for older women if they don't already have a partner because they are the ones who tend to get left out and ignored. There may be some other benefits to dating older women as well, but now it starts sounding too much like I'm trying to push you in one direction. Pick whomever you want to choose but don't get too obsessed with youthfulness, is what I'm trying to say."

Later edit: Something that I forgot to clarify, is that you're not being with somebody who is "less than ideal" and trying to change them into an "ideal" person based upon trying to manipulate them into becoming somebody that fulfills your ego's needs. Rather, it is about seeing the divine potential that somebody has and by seeing it in them before it's actualized, you actually help them to actualize it. It is helping them to become their divine self; Not a more polished version of their egoic self that you just so happen to like. it's about love; Not about ego.

So try to look into the heart of this message, and see the place it's coming from. In hindsight, I feel like I used terms and described it in a way that perhaps too easily gives out the wrong message. I can't be asked to rehash it now, though.

Edited February 17, 2022 by Nightwise
Clarification.

[Nightwise]

1 hour ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

What you are suggesting, is basically grooming someone to accommodate my needs. I'd much rather improve myself enough, to be able to afford those high standards, whatever they are.

Each their own. But as I've clarified with an edit I made to my original post at the end, it's not about trying to change somebody into someone that your ego happens to like, but it is helping someone to become their highest, most divine Self. I've not made that clear in the post.

So it's not about my needs, but more about her needs. Ideally, her higher, (semi-)spiritual needs.

Edited February 17, 2022 by Nightwise

[LastThursday]

2 hours ago, Nightwise said:

Our right for the ideal partner is in our willingness to not have one

I parsed this as: Our right for the ideal partner is in our willingness to not have a partner. How wrong I was!

You're totally right that all relationships take constant work, it's a dynamic enterprise. There is an assumption here that "high value" is an absolute measure, which of course it isn't. It's always "high value" relative to your own personal values, some of which will be reasonable and some unreasonable. It's a lottery as to whether your specific set of values fits a large enough pool of people that you'll come across "high value" partners. Flexibility on your "high value" (which is what your advocating) helps increase the size of the pool. Happy days. But each one of your "high value" indicators has differing amounts of flexibility: personally I would be fairly inflexible on cleanliness, but flexible on height. In reality you'll only bend on your values just so far.

I feel you should also think deeply about being equally as happy without a partner. This makes you fearless, because the fear of loss or rejection is nearly taken away and more importantly the neediness disappears. This allows the real you to shine through and projects self sufficiency.