Adult Child Syndrome

[PepperBlossoms]

For those of you like me who have been called a first grader/kindergartener/seventh grader, apparently there is a term for it!

http://www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Individuals/adult_child_syndrome.html

This is more useful than being called the derogatory term (you act like a child) which doesn't really help one know what exactly the person means and what one should consider exploring.  Cuz like - well, come on - every child acts different so how are we to know what child traits you are referring to?

Also, kids laugh, adults laugh, kids smile, adults smile - - so meh looking at the "Adult Child Syndrome" symptoms and causes may be more pragmatic.  (Can't believe I never found this syndrome before... but I guess I never looked for it either)

[Gesundheit2]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Pan_syndrome

[Nahm]

“No matter how much Peter loved her, what made the Pan refuse to grow was that the hook brings you back - I ain’t tellin you no lie! The hook brings you back, on that you can rely”. JP 

[PepperBlossoms]

The writer blames the entire syndrome on a tyrannical parent, which it says the person may adapt to them (adult child syndrome) or identify with them (covert narcissist) - - I have definitely had my moments where I have gone back and forth from those two.

One just has to learn to stand up for oneself when someone is being judgmental in a bullying way and recognize the errors in logic/assumption that the person is using and take responsibility for oneself and not rely on or feel so impacted by the judgements of others.

They can create boundaries when they no longer allow toxic stuff to slide by calling the person out on it or not engaging with them or being calm and not reacting to it.

One can build oneself up with stuff one enjoys and find their own self worth.  One can create their own library of values that doesn't have to merge with others and can be what it wants to be.  They can develop a stronger sense of their identity/interests/values that when someone tries to pick at that, they will be able to defend it and not give in to the person's demands.

One can stay away from aggressive people or try to understand why exactly they are aggressive so that it is not scary/uncertain but rather makes sense.

One can start to value the idea of being considerate and respectful of other's needs and ideas and start to want to be more like that and be around those who are like that rather than being and being around those who are judging basically everything with no concern for the person/thing judged.

One can start to value other disagreeing perspectives as another way to learn, explore, and experience life and not see them as something that must be changed to match one's own or fought with.

I can see that if one is used to putting up with toxic people and so they surround themselves by it, they may be able to eventually learn how to cope/deal with it but they will also probably need to be around people who are not toxic so as to have healthy examples to try to be like which could then help the toxic people to be less toxic as well.

One can find that one feels more empowered and stronger when they work on things they are proud of and when they are honest about their impact/role on the result, they can take more responsibility for what has happened and their effort/performance.

Edited February 17, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[Loba]

I relate to this, it was caused by an abusive mother and absent or ignoring father - and I didn't get along well with peers so I never learned adult skills; but I can fake adulthood very easily and so people usually don't know.  I feel very much like a girl in a woman's body and would like to change this, if possible, but I have a feeling that once such traits are cemented, they are hard to get rid of entirely.

Interesting that there is a name for it, that's cool.

It seems as though most mental disorders are caused by being raised in bad environments - perhaps with things like this, they should focus on prevention as much as possible.  I can live with it.  I can hide my immaturity in one sense, and then write it out and "grow up" on this forum just through self honesty and introspection, and perhaps it will bleed out into all areas of life?

[PepperBlossoms]

1 hour ago, Loba said:

I relate to this, it was caused by an abusive mother and absent or ignoring father - and I didn't get along well with peers so I never learned adult skills; but I can fake adulthood very easily and so people usually don't know.  I feel very much like a girl in a woman's body and would like to change this, if possible, but I have a feeling that once such traits are cemented, they are hard to get rid of entirely.

I am sorry to hear that.  One of my parent's was tyrant/absent.

I guess one thing I am curious about is - the notion of child, teenager, adult - - it is like, well, what is that supposed to feel like?

I can feel a headache in my head right now and one leg on top of another and my arm on my leg.  I can feel excited/sad/bored about stuff.  Well - the notion of feeling like a child, or feeling like an adult, or whatever - - we are still going to have the body sensations and we are still going to have emotions about various things - so how does "feeling like an adult" contrast to "feeling like a child"?

Is it the body pain from when you get older and are sore or may feel more fat if you ate some bad stuff whereas a child may not feel fat or sore?

Is it the stuff you have opinions on like a child might feel excited about a Barbie/pokemon card while an adult may feel excited about a video game/concert/book?  Or the stress where a child may be stressed about a test or the first day of school and an adult may feel stressed about a family reunion?

I guess all I can think of is that the feelings are similar we may just be focusing on different stuff and may have different thought processing.

Kids can be excited as can adults - unless we say that excitement is only for kids.

I guess like, some people could like work and say they feel like an adult and some could say, no I hate work I like play and so they associate it as feeling like a child???

If our baseline is based on our past, then how are we supposed to know that our baseline is "CHILD" when we didn't start off getting to see what baseline "adult" was like?  We could say, well I feel the same as I did 20 years ago so I am just going to say I am still child because it doesn't feel different and I assume that adult is supposed to be different?

Ah well idk!! 

Edited February 17, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[PepperBlossoms]

I realized that if you find yourself as both identifying and as adapting to a narcissist parent, what you could do is identify the good traits from both that you want to develop and identify the bad ones that you want to work on eliminating.

NARCISSIST

Bad - inconsiderate, judgmental, mean, power hungry, dominance hungry, toxic, deceptive

Good - strong, confident, bold, brave, insightful, creative, successful, skilled, thorough

CO-DEPENDENT

Bad - weak, scared, intimidated, unsure, shy, annoying, nagging, needy, clingy

Good - considerate, empathetic, friendly, kind, patient, kind, loving, loyal, supportive

Edited February 17, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[Gesundheit2]

You can't become a grown-up if your child needs aren't met. Like, you can't buy stuff if you don't have enough money. But also don't get stuck on getting your needs met like Peter Pan, or like Elon Musk. There's a fine line between addiction and satisfying unmet needs.

Don't try to kill the child, and always keep looking up to becoming a more responsible person. Return to the real world. Find the right balance for you. It's a simple concept, but it's not always easy to actualize.

[PepperBlossoms]