Spirituality makes me want to stop exist

[Naol]

Hi, 

I feel like my mental health is deteriorating since a few months. I struggle to understand exactly what is happening to me and if this is entirely due to spiritual discoveries (probably not) but I would love to get some advices to deal with that. 

I started to listen to Leo content (and other similar content) a year ago. I started to do psychedelics and had two awakenings about God 6 months ago (realizing infinite consciousness + I am God). These awakenings were pretty hard and cool at the same time. But overall I was happy to understand more about life + it helped me understand myself better, so pretty positive. I also during this period of time determined my values (my top one being Love) and broadly my life purpose. I am meditating everyday, doing yoga, reading as much as I can books from Leo's book list. But the fact is that I don't feel motivated anymore, not because my LP is not the right one, but because I don't want to live anymore: 

1- I feel like I don't really care anymore about contributing to humanity because there is not much meaning if you look at the big picture. I know it has a value to contribute and I don't understand why I don't feel concerned anymore about giving my best to improve the world. 
 

2- I don't feel really anxious of whatever, just like living does not make sense anymore to me. I feel empty in a weird way, because I am still appreciating things but it is not enough to help me feel fullfiled. I don't have self-destruction pulsions, I just feel like nothing is important anymore. 

3 - I feel like overall life is pretty hard, and I am often scared of not being enough. I tried just observing my thoughts but I don't feel like it is making any change (unless I feel like I am suffering less, but it is not making me feel like I want to live fully). 

4 - I don't even care about having a pleasant and good life, about enjoying my time on earth. I am like "whatever I can also stop living" 
 

I do not understand what the fu**  is happening. I should be happy to understand more of life, to find more direction in my own life path, but I just feel like I want to go. I do not want to hurt my boyfriend and my family by killing myself, and I don't want to go to the psychiatrist so he gives me medication, I feel like it would not be usefull anyway. Did you have similar experience, or do you have advices to deal with that? 

Thank you ! Sorry if my english is not perfect, french girl here. 

Edited February 16, 2022 by Naol

[puporing]

I don't know much about your practical life right now, it's possible that the awakenings have been showing you a lot of truths all at once meanwhile your life keeps going the way it was before. There might be a dissonance happening. There is a period of integration.. right now it may be like a shock to the system and you still need time to examine your life and what these awakenings mean to you now. And sounds like you're in the nihilistic phase, there is more to this than nihilism. Could also just try stopping everything for a while and see what comes up, don't make yourself do anything for a while, and just be (if that's possible). Let go of other people's expectations of you (more than likely they're based around what's acceptable by society and you're trying to go beyond this). For me, this period lasted about a year to two and things leading up to that. And now I feel just a lot of freedom to be/create that is not based on what others expect of me. Just trying to share that's a possibility for you too. 

[Nivsch]

@Naol I think that your mind/brain shows you that you are missing some things and that you have got spiritually partially wrong. Spirituality is about listening to your OWN comfortable and uncomfortable messages and grow from them. Is this what you have done?

Can you try to discover what the negative thoughts you have right now, want you to realize and re-calculate your path?

Edited March 12, 2022 by Nivsch

[JonasVE12]

Spirituality is confronting and uncomfortable many times, especially in those transition phases where you are just beginning to learn about it and explore. The more you resist and try to understand this type of state/experience, the more confused you will be. Try to just flow and let go of needing to get somewhere. Answers will come when time is ready. In the meantime, it can help to get out of your head and do some more embodiment practices. Get into your body more, get more in touch with feeling aspect of reality, do things you enjoy, explore physical reality and stimulate your senses. Go to the beach, go on vacation for a while to a warm country and let go of trying to understand reality. You need some time to get back into your body and ground yourself. You need balance. Your state and feeling now is all temporary and relative to how much your are letting go and flow with life. Let go of thinking and just be. Your path and meaning will come after you understand how to flow more. 

[Cathal]

the issue with psychedelics is it's such a radical shift in perception it's so much at one time especially if you're already suffering so much, you can't help but feel overwhelmed and feeling trapped in a rut so then you start producing thoughts of;

i am not good enough

this is too much

i can't go further

i should feel another way

the issue is you are just too identified with the way you feel. JUST ALLOW IT. really, seriously, that's all, really just allow how you feel. stop digging yourself into the dirt with that 'i should be happy', you are exactly where you are supposed to be at, think in solutions and understanding why you feel the way you do, why do you feel the way you do?

what is about your life and what you do day to day that makes you feel this way? that's reality and that's all there is to it, moment to moment experience, if you listen deeply enough and watch your actions instead of feeling bad or pitiful or creating beliefs just try to understand it like it's all a math game, it's just cause and effect, thinking like that will take you to the moon, emotions will come and go but that is where you should look. fuck the psychiatrist and talk to a good therapist, try here if you need help