First Steps To Overcoming Sexual Repression

[Hotdog]

Hello,

            I'm really wanting a breakthrough in my sex life. I'm a 30 year old married female battling what I feel is sexual dysfunction. I have sex with my husband about once every 2-3 months, we will go long spells without sex but often when we do have sex it will be a few days in a row. Having sex makes me want more sex, but apart from that I have a low libido. I watch porn and masterbate to that 1-2 a month and as soon as I orgasm I have to turn it off and feel ashamed. I feel like I've built this pathway through using porn that has transferred to the bedroom so that once I've orgasmed I cant continue or I am hoping my husband will cum quickly so that it's over. It's not uncommon for me to be tearful after sex and feel a very strong deep sense of shame or uncomfortable emotion. I usually hide this from my husband. 

However there is this other side to me that was/is sometimes insane (when I let it out or when I'm very drunk). It's like there's this crazy sexually repressed animal inside that is desperate to get out when she can! Unfortunately this has led to me being extremely flirtatious/inappropriate towards men/strangers on nights out and I'm ashamed to admit that I have had an affair with someone I met on a night out. I was sober when it happened and completely inhibited and didn't feel ashamed or the strong emotion afterwards (I didn't organs though). 

So far I have managed to figure out that a religious upbringing that portrayed sex as bad has impacted me, and I find I am more inhibited when with someone I care deeply about. It's as though I am afraid of true intimacy and can't let go. Yet I can be a crazy wild animal with strangers or on one night stands.

any suggestions as to how I can take steps to break through here? I love my husband and I know we have only scratched the surface of what we could be experiencing, I feel incredibly frustrated and guilty. 

 

Thanks ?? 

 

 

[Evilwave Heddy]

18 hours ago, Hotdog said:

 However there is this other side to me that was/is sometimes insane (when I let it out or when I'm very drunk). It's like there's this crazy sexually repressed animal inside that is desperate to get out when she can! Unfortunately this has led to me being extremely flirtatious/inappropriate towards men/strangers on nights out and I'm ashamed to admit that I have had an affair with someone I met on a night out. I was sober when it happened and completely inhibited and didn't feel ashamed or the strong emotion afterwards (I didn't organs though). 

Prostitution might be your Life Purpose.

Start taking responsibility for what you are doing rather than blaming it on your upbringing or "this other side to me".

[Hotdog]

Thank you, I will watch these and take on board your considerations. ??

[ajasatya]

@Hotdog hello. it seems to me that you feel like being a total stranger to yourself. you feel safe when the situation does not entail deep intimacy.

just like in almost every case, i'd say that you carry a huge burden on your shoulders, guilt from past experiences and you still haven't forgiven yourself yet. it won't stop until you have the courage to stop everything and begin a journey for your healing. and more importantly, take it seriously with consistency.

how does your life feel to you in general? do you eat healthy food? do you have a meditation routine? it's time to stop running, at last.

i'm going to attach a great book about tantric sex. i recommend that you read it and practice the exercises with your husband. i did it with my girlfriend and it worked greatly.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex.pdf

Edited January 16, 2017 by ajasatya

[Annie]

@Hotdog  I understand you far better than I could express with words. My low libido increased by taking maca and - as crazy as this sounds - cracking my back (I don't understand it myself but I had my spine fixed after some vertabrae went out of place and once they were back in it's like a switch was moved and my libido increased, crazy, I know) and trying to find new intimacy with my husband. How long have you been married? I've been married for 14 years now and after a while it just simply and honestly gets boring. You being interested in strangers is because those other men are new and interesting. You already know pretty much everything there is to know about your husband. Can you speak openly about this to him? Tell him what turns you on and try new things. A big game changer for me was when we began to look into each others eyes during sex. After you orgasm just "hang on in there" and let your husband continue, you'll climax again after a little while so the wait meanwhile is well worth it.

[Hotdog]

@ajasatya wow thank you, I feel as though you have hit the nail on the head with your response. I am only just starting my journey of personal development. I need to plan healing and face issues from the past. I need to look after myself more. I do not eat well (I have several food intollerences that impact on this), I don't exercise, I don't meditate. And I run from things for a long time. I have made attempts to start the process of facing issues but I haven't committed to it with consistency. 

I also feel that the stranger I do not know is just another part of me that I need to embrace.

 

thank you ??

 

[Hotdog]

@Annie that's interesting I actually have a full spinal fusion, I'm not even sure my back could be cracked, but possibly with a fusion I could be blocking energy?

we have only been married 1 year and half. I cheated after only 3 months of marriage. Although I had big issues before then (been together 4 years at that point) with being sexually inappropriate on nights out, I was really trying to escape life and my feelings of self loathing. 

I think intimacy frightens the life out of me, in a weird way sex with a stranger feels safer. I think true intimacy means facing yourself and loving yourself. Maybe that's what scares me the most. 

 

Thanks ??

 

[Annie]

@Hotdog Well, perhaps you want to get your spine checked then. Yes, I suppose it has to do with blocking energy or something like that, I can't make any other sense out of it.
Does your husband know about your cheating? What's his stand on all of this? Do you talk about your problems and how does he react? A good communication between the two of you is very important. I guess the sex itself isn't really the main problem here, it's more like a "side effect". Books by David Schnarch are a good read by the way.

Intimacy is THE key and vital to a good relationship in my opinion. In order to love someone else you need to love yourself first. Unconditionally. It is scary at first, yes, and it's not fixed over night but regardless of your marriage you need to face this problem not for your marriage's sake but simply because you have to spend the rest of your life with yourself!

[Hotdog]

@Annie Yes I agree with the "side effect issue" and that I need to learn to live and accept myself, fully, wholeheartedly. My husband doesn't know about the cheating, but he knows that I can be a "nightmare" when I'm out drunk. I had therapy for a while because it all got too much, therapist suggested that I did not tell him, I think she could see that the issue was not him but me, and it wouldn't be helpful to tell him and jeopardise the relationship. Initially I was unsure, but with time I have come to agree that this has been the best decision. I have been able to talk openly with him about hurts from the past and other things I had talked about in therapy. We have talked together about sexual fantasies and also our rules and limits when around opposite sex. A year later we are closer than ever, i do feel like progress is happening and that's why I wanted to post here to see if there were any other suggestions.

i still have so much work to do but I am determined to keep facing these issues. I do think that the issues are within and I need to take responsibility in talking them! 

??

[aurum]

On 1/14/2017 at 7:25 PM, Hotdog said:

Hello,

            I'm really wanting a breakthrough in my sex life. I'm a 30 year old married female battling what I feel is sexual dysfunction. I have sex with my husband about once every 2-3 months, we will go long spells without sex but often when we do have sex it will be a few days in a row. Having sex makes me want more sex, but apart from that I have a low libido. I watch porn and masterbate to that 1-2 a month and as soon as I orgasm I have to turn it off and feel ashamed. I feel like I've built this pathway through using porn that has transferred to the bedroom so that once I've orgasmed I cant continue or I am hoping my husband will cum quickly so that it's over. It's not uncommon for me to be tearful after sex and feel a very strong deep sense of shame or uncomfortable emotion. I usually hide this from my husband. 

However there is this other side to me that was/is sometimes insane (when I let it out or when I'm very drunk). It's like there's this crazy sexually repressed animal inside that is desperate to get out when she can! Unfortunately this has led to me being extremely flirtatious/inappropriate towards men/strangers on nights out and I'm ashamed to admit that I have had an affair with someone I met on a night out. I was sober when it happened and completely inhibited and didn't feel ashamed or the strong emotion afterwards (I didn't organs though). 

So far I have managed to figure out that a religious upbringing that portrayed sex as bad has impacted me, and I find I am more inhibited when with someone I care deeply about. It's as though I am afraid of true intimacy and can't let go. Yet I can be a crazy wild animal with strangers or on one night stands.

any suggestions as to how I can take steps to break through here? I love my husband and I know we have only scratched the surface of what we could be experiencing, I feel incredibly frustrated and guilty. 

 

Thanks ?? 

 

 

It can be uncomfortable to look at, but are you attracted to your husband? I'm not trying to make any assumptions but it does happen. Sometimes the passion goes away.

Assuming that's not the case, I'd say you identified the problem well. You've got some subconscious beliefs about sex that are making you feel ashamed, probably from your upbringing / general social influence.

You can't resist anything that's repressed, that's why it's repressed in the first place. Keys here are awareness and acceptance. You could try Leo's self-acceptance exercise, get a therapist or look up how to do Shadow Work for starters.

[Annie]

@Hotdog  In a different post you mentioned you have skin problems, because of the months you mentioned (the amount of time of your skin problems and how long you've been married) I believe this issue right here has a lot to do with this, this might be your psychological problem in relation to that. Or at least in part. I'm telling you, skin problems are always related to the gut and the psyche. I bet you if you resolve this problem your skin will get better, too.

[Hotdog]

@aurum thank you, I am attracted to my husband, I don't find him repulsive or anything like that. But in general I don't feel attracted (turned on) that much to men or possibly don't allow myself to (unless I'm drunk then everyone is attractive!). I don't have a definate "type" if you get me. My husband has become more attractive since we got married though. I am just so frigid a lot of the time that I'm not in a good mindset for letting those feelings flow over me. I watched Leo's video for women about amazing sex and I want to  be all those things, I want to be that way with my husband (how I was when I first met him). Thank you for the suggestion re the exercise, I will try it out! 

 

 

[Hotdog]

@Annie you hit the nail on the head there! My skin problems started a month after I cheated and had been taking the pill for about a month. I think the fact that I was hiding all of it and repressing all common sense and feelings of guilt that my skin broke out! I was also very stressed at work and living in a horrible house, struggling with finances. Obviously everything built up. I do believe that nothing goes away until you have learnt from it, hopefully once I have conquered this issue and make lasting changes about how honest I am and my own love/self care my skin issues will subside! ??

[aurum]

3 hours ago, Hotdog said:

I watched Leo's video for women about amazing sex and I want to  be all those things, I want to be that way with my husband (how I was when I first met him)

So things were better when you first met? What do you believe changed?

[Hotdog]

@aurum when I reflect, when I first started seeing my husband he was a "stranger" and the first 3 months or so I was very sexually active and uninhibited with him, when I felt he didn't know the real me I could be this wild sexual being, plus I felt that's what he would want and of course everything's fresher at the beginning. I fell pregnant 7 months in, I subconscious let this happen because I knew he was a good guy even though having a baby was the last thing on my mind. After this things started to go downhill in the bedroom and the more he got to know me the less I felt I could be the "sexual desirable girl". 

I think having a baby changed things, then living in a house we didn't like because we couldn't afford somewhere better, I completed a full time masters degree, worked a full time job on condensed hours whilst raising a 1 year old and then got a promotion to a very demanding job. I was so stressed and tense trying to please everyone but my family. So when I did get a night out here and there it would be a complete blow out and I'd drink until I had to be scraped up off the floor. naturally my husband didn't like this and I resented him pointing out some painful truths to me that I needed to get a grip, this made me rebel more and see him as an enemy as opposed to someone that had my interest at heart. And I suppose from feeling at war with him, I'd find the attention from guys and flirting a bit of a rush. I felt he was being boring (a non-drinker, introvert) whereas I craved a bit of fun. Sadly I was running from the truth I needed to change and nights out were just a way of escaping. 

Getting married had the opposite effect on me to most people,  I wanted to rebel even more. It feels so complicated! I can't understand myself sometimes! 

Edited January 18, 2017 by Hotdog
Mistake

[aurum]

36 minutes ago, Hotdog said:

@aurum when I reflect, when I first started seeing my husband he was a "stranger" and the first 3 months or so I was very sexually active and uninhibited with him, when I felt he didn't know the real me I could be this wild sexual being, plus I felt that's what he would want and of course everything's fresher at the beginning. I fell pregnant 7 months in, I subconscious let this happen because I knew he was a good guy even though having a baby was the last thing on my mind. After this things started to go downhill in the bedroom and the more he got to know me the less I felt I could be the "sexual desirable girl". 

I think having a baby changed things, then living in a house we didn't like because we couldn't afford somewhere better, I completed a full time masters degree, worked a full time job on condensed hours whilst raising a 1 year old and then got a promotion to a very demanding job. I was so stressed and tense trying to please everyone but my family. So when I did get a night out here and there it would be a complete blow out and I'd drink until I had to be scraped up off the floor. naturally my husband didn't like this and I resented him pointing out some painful truths to me that I needed to get a grip, this made me rebel more and see him as an enemy as opposed to someone that had my interest at heart. And I suppose from feeling at war with him, I'd find the attention from guys and flirting a bit of a rush. I felt he was being boring (a non-drinker, introvert) whereas I craved a bit of fun. Sadly I was running from the truth I needed to change and nights out were just a way of escaping. 

Getting married had the opposite effect on me to most people,  I wanted to rebel even more. It feels so complicated! I can't understand myself sometimes! 

Okay, good.

In my experience with relationships, this is pretty common. Things are exciting at first, then you settle down and things get "serious". While that's good, at the same time "serious" isn't always that exciting and sometimes people start craving that again. It can happen with men or women, but I've just seen it more with women. You start resenting your partner.

So congratulations, you're very average . 

If you're intent on making this relationship work, then I'd say look into different ways of trying to spark the fire again. It may or may not be able to be done, I don't know. But I'd say chew it over and see what you think.

For me, I know something simple that helps in my relationship is that I always try and remind my girlfriend that I think she's sexy. How badly I want her. How much I love when she's sexual.

Granted, we don't have a kid and have only been for a short period of time. But I've seen relationships fizzle in shorter. 

[Hotdog]

@aurum thank goodness I'm average! I think it is pretty common for things to go stale and for attention to be drawn elsewhere. It's probably quite common for girls to have hangups about sex because of religious or societal influence. Thank you for all your advice! I need to step up and makes some moves more! I'm a sexier way than just saying "do you want to have sex?" Haha!