Feb 16 to Feb 24

[Preety_India]

Record stuff here. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm just too scared right now. Just too scared. 

I feel terrified after I woke up. 

It was a nightmare. 

I constantly felt like I wanted to throw up. 

 

[Preety_India]

Today is February 16.

Love yourself please. 

That's the only way out. 

Don't be afraid. Have courage. 

You will get through this. 

Please don't be scared. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm constantly having panic attacks. 

 

[Preety_India]

Just don't talk to your mother anymore. Enough is enough. 

I am very nervous and terrified. 

 

[Preety_India]

There is hope. Everything can become better. 

I can survive a few more years somehow. 

Although I don't think I'll survive long. 

But I live another 5 years that would be great. 

With my present medical situation I don't think I can make it far

 

 

[Preety_India]

Looking back everything was so fucked up 

I had a chance to do better when I was leaving my second ex. That time a couple of years ago just when I joined this forum. 

I feel like I had a golden opportunity. I could have made things work out for the better. 

I wish I had better sense than be with Joseph. Joseph really ruined my health. He was like the final nail in the coffin. 

With him I had suffered terribly. Too many panic attacks, his control. It was too much. 

Leaving Joseph felt like liberation.. 

I could only leave him in 2020 finally. 

This is 2022. 

I just feel terrified and miserable and deeply scared and worried. 

My mind feels very weak. 

 

[Preety_India]

My mom has ruined my life. 

I need to stop talking to her. 

It's too much. I can't keep acting anymore. This woman is an abuser. 

I can't expect anything good if she has never been good. 

I don't want to talk to her anymore, I don't even feel like talking to her.. 

She is an absolute mess and a manipulator. 

She causes me tremendous anxiety. 

I wish her nothing but pure rot in hell 

She is more dangerous than Covid. 

 

[Preety_India]

It's time to love myself. And I need to love myself a lot. 

I need to take care of myself finally. 

Somehow I need to do this on my own. Nobody will do it for me. 

I wish I had a cousin or relative who would know what's happening and who would help. 

I wish I could talk to someone from the neighborhood and tell them that I'm suffering. 

I can't. Nobody talks because of the mask mandates. 

Plus I have Covid now. I can't talk to any one because of that. 

I'm basically quarantined because of Covid 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I need to stop talking to this woman till the day she dies or I die. 

She doesn't deserve this. She never deserved a child.. Fucking abuser. 

She took a wonderful child and turned that child into a mess with her control and domination. 

I don't know why God gives children to such people. There are so many good people in this world that deserve children and they want children and they can't have. 

Why didn't i die when I was born?

"why didn't I just die in the womb? 

Why this life of suffering under a pathetic person who took advantage of me all my life. 

Placing boundaries with her is no use. 

I just need to stop talking to her altogether. 

Now the Covid is done with. I'm recovering. I don't need her anymore. 

I was codependent on her when I fell sick. 

Now I don't need to anymore 

As abused victims we sabotage our own lives. We can't love ourselves enough. We are desperately looking for love and attention. 

 

Edited February 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My own survival is in great danger day to day. 

I live in fear that one day she will kill me. 

She has said on multiple occasions that she won't hesitate to kill me because she thinks I'm not deserving of life. 

 

[Ulax]

It sounds like shit is really, really rough for you still Preety.

I dont know you intimately, but I'm right behind you, nonetheless. I believe in you.

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Ulax said:

It sounds like shit is really, really rough for you still Preety.

I dont know you intimately, but I'm right behind you, nonetheless. I believe in you.

Thank you. The journey towards freedom is a long journey and I'm taking baby steps everyday towards freedom. 

I started living in my garden for some time to avoid my mother. 

I built the garden myself. 

Little steps to freedom. 

 

[Preety_India]

Today is February 16.

I'm trying to stay calm. Morning the headache was so bad I was going to puke. 

Anyway better than yesterday. 

 

 

Edited February 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Right now my headache is not completely gone but it's okay 

 

[Preety_India]

My headache is getting worse. 

She has been making loud noises in the kitchen. Driving me mad. This is her passive aggressive behavior that is hard to deal with. 

Now she will be vicious with me since I'm not talking to her. That's what she does precisely when I set boundaries. 

She gets mad and passive aggressive. 

It's some sort of revenge time for her 

She is like a parasite, a cancer a megalomaniac. 

A vicious psychological predator

 

Edited February 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

21 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I'll use three profile pictures. 

One that I currently use. 

This is ripped out of my YouTube thumbnail. 

 

I really love this Pic below. It automatically gets me into a calm state. Holding a drink in hand. What can be better than being drunk on a warm summer night to cool down. 

I kinda struggle with profile pictures and become weirdly self conscious. I don't want my own picture on the forum. Only when I'm journaling or talking to my close people on the forum. In that case whenever I'm on the forum I'll use this picture. 

 

And this sometimes if I'm Journaling a bit too much. Those days I just don't want to look at myself at all. I'm too engrossed. Heavy journal days is what I'll call them. This one is reserved for those days. 

 

And maybe sometimes this one. I just love this flying jumping heart. It's a cute German. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Today is February 16.. 

 

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

@Preety_India do you know if there are any communal living spaces for women in India? 

Like maybe a house where you can rent a room relatively cheaply or maybe even a farm or something like that?

Right now I don't even go out because battling Covid. But when I finally make up my mind to go out and feel physically strong enough to be outside for long hours I think I will find people who might offer me a place to stay. 

I had done this when I was 12 years old. My teacher had known someone who wanted someone to live with them. So she sent me there. I lived with that old woman who was like 70 years old and I helped her and she let me stay for free. It was a good and safe place in a safe neighborhood and she had clean water and food. I had no problems with her. I lived with her for a year before her son moved in. But I could at least live with her for a year and that was blessing. 

Now if I have to find a similar opportunity I need to socialize more and connect with people more. That way I'll find someone who will offer me to stay with them. I can do some work for them or help them in some way and they can let me stay for free. That would be nice. I usually get along with other people and most people have liked my company. It's my mother who doesn't like me. 

But for this first I need to be physically fit to travel and meet people. Seek opportunities. 

 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Something Funny said:

Btw, what is an average monthly cost of living on your own in India in a fairly decent place + food and water expenses?

I don't think it's expensive but you won't get such a place. It's hard to get a place in the first place. Because it's too overly populated in the cities. You can't live in villages because there is nothing there, not even a hospital or clinic. 

In cities the situation is only getting worse. I don't know how it is now. 

But back in 2019 when I had saved some money, I was looking for a place to live away from mom. I responded to nearly 20 different advertisements. And the good places, the decent ones were all booked already because the population is so huge, Someone is always getting their hands on it before you can get it. 

If you are looking at a listing on any day, you're probably the 100th person who is looking at it, 99 people have already looked at it before you and even selected it. Now it's first come first serve. So the person who was lucky enough to select it first gets the place. Rest lose it. The same thing happens when you apply for a Job

When I applied for a job a couple of years ago, 400 people were already standing in line waiting for that job. In the end they send us all back home because they said it was an overload of people. 

The same thing with housing. The best places are usually gone within minutes of listing. The ones that are remaining are the ones that nobody wants to live because they are cramped, unhygienic, no food, no water, sometimes no electricity and bad living conditions like no ventilation. So these places are left because everyone who sees them rejects them. 

Last time when I went house hunting I saw all rejected places. If there was any good place left, the owner said that it was given to someone else before me. 

It's extremely tough and competitive. 

So really money is not a problem. But place is a problem. No good place.