Where do you draw the line between bullying and advice?

[PepperBlossoms]

How do you tell when something is trying to help vs hurt you?

[Preety_India]

Connect with your gut instinct. See how you feel. Do you feel that that person is trying to hurt you? Do you think they have an ulterior motive? Or is their advice genuinely helpful? 

One key indicator is a quick litmus test - do you feel good about yourself (as in supported), or do you feel bad about yourself (as in blamed, triggered, made to feel less worthy, isolated or made to feel as though it's all your fault or that you don't belong (you better leave) then it's bullying.

 

[Cathal]

everyone has always a motive but that doesn't mean they want to harm you or something, although harm may be a consequence

you just understand yourself to such a degree you can see it within everyone else without thought, you just know, a lack of integrity causes instability doubt and unhealthy validation seeking in yourself and you lack that inner knowing clarity/intuition that knows what is best for you

[PepperBlossoms]

@Preety_India I guess its still hard though because it could be that someone is trying to help me with advice but I am reacting to it in a negative way instead of using it to help me.

Like, I get criticism and I feel like the person is being a bully but yet, there is often some truth to what they are saying and I just have a hard time accepting it.

So then, are they a bully or am I just way too much of a baby to just accept what they are saying?? Ughhh

Example - "You were acting like a first grader." (I get mad and say that adults can laugh and smile just like kids can instead of trying to just understand more of why I am getting called that).

Example - "Your dyed hair is ugly." (I get very upset). "You failed the test; it was just a joke and you should have just blown it off.  (I get upset instead of saying, I don't care what you think or what do you not like about my hair?) (but yet, why would someone joke about that???)

Example - "You are too slow at work." (I would chose to get upset instead of choosing to try to get faster).

Example - "You can't be a doctor because you can't make decisions." (I get upset and give up that career path instead of trying to change or disregard that opinion)

I often chose to be upset instead of choosing to learn/grow/get stronger from whatever and I am kinda mad at myself for reacting and letting stuff get to me.

@catcat69123 maybe the lack of integrity needs to be developed some more

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, PepperBlossoms said:

@Preety_India I guess its still hard though because it could be that someone is trying to help me with advice but I am reacting to it in a negative way instead of using it to help me.

Like, I get criticism and I feel like the person is being a bully but yet, there is often some truth to what they are saying and I just have a hard time accepting it.

So then, are they a bully or am I just way too much of a baby to just accept what they are saying?? Ughhh

Example - "You were acting like a first grader." (I get mad and say that adults can laugh and smile just like kids can instead of trying to just understand more of why I am getting called that).

Example - "Your dyed hair is ugly." (I get very upset). "You failed the test; it was just a joke and you should have just blown it off.  (I get upset instead of saying, I don't care what you think or what do you not like about my hair?) (but yet, why would someone joke about that???)

Example - "You are too slow at work." (I would chose to get upset instead of choosing to try to get faster).

Example - "You can't be a doctor because you can't make decisions." (I get upset and give up that career path instead of trying to change or disregard that opinion)

I often chose to be upset instead of choosing to learn/grow/get stronger from whatever and I am kinda mad at myself for reacting and letting stuff get to me.

@catcat69123 maybe the lack of integrity needs to be developed some more

Alright. That's not a big deal. Many people struggle with this. You're not alone. It's fair to get provoked or triggered when someone says something that is not so nice to hear. 

I use this technique. I first react as much as I can and let off steam (because holding it in is equally bad) and later I cool down and give it a thought. Then I try to reflect on that criticism and see if I can accept it and integrate it and change my lifestyle to adapt to it. Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. 

Don't feel bad for reacting. It's  normal and human. What you do after reacting is more important. 

 

[PepperBlossoms]

I just have a really hard time when I keep on getting criticized because my response was "not good enough" or the way I am is "not good enough."

I guess I have a hard time giving people my full attention and find it weird when people actually want me to listen to them because no one ever did growing up.

[puporing]

@PepperBlossoms I mean, I would try to limit/exit an interaction with someone that consistently does that. Like, what's the point? Don't try to make yourself fit into their way of things, it clearly isn't serving you. It just turns toxic and that's no longer helpful but harming your growth process. 

[Cathal]

@PepperBlossoms that feeling of unworthiness is in most of us, but how we all rationalize and identify and create the self around it can differ but generally you can see yourself in many people as you point out this unworthiness conditioning within yourself

do you feel uncomfortable when someone listens to you?

do you struggle being solid and structured in yourself or do you always have this need within for peoples approval and assurance? 

it's important to really understand this so you can begin to realign with being active towards your vision and not let it determine your actions and condense yourself into a small self

[AuroraDream]

On 2/13/2022 at 6:09 AM, PepperBlossoms said:

maybe the lack of integrity needs to be developed some more

absolutely not! those examples you gave are clear bullying, guilting, and if I had someone talking like that to me, no chance they'd be in my life for long. 

I think your reactions are perfectly normal.  even if there is a piece of truth in what they're saying, to me, that doesn't matter at all. 

I think some of the worst forms of abuse exist in the lie of, "this is the truth you don't want to hear, and I'm helping you by being mean, so you can see". or something like that. This is where the lines get so blurred where people can get away with taking our their pain on someone else in the name of truth, when the real truth is they're just so unhappy and not at rest, they have nothing better to do than criticize things outside of them. 

[PepperBlossoms]

I guess what I have come to is that I would like to stop being so sensitive to jokes, comments, criticisms, and alternate perspectives.  I can't just run away from every person that upsets me and feel I would be stronger if I am able to not get upset by it.

When someone is doing any of the above, my first reaction would often be to cry, get angry, tell someone else how mean they are, block them, try to get them to go away, or distance myself- - but, there could be stuff to gain by waiting it out, listening, and trying to understand/learn. 

Heck, that person is wasting their energy thinking about me and thought it was worth the energy of telling me.  

It would be different if I was some person with millions of people criticizing me or if there was physical abuse.

I guess I could also be upset because it is a blind spot that I am not wanting to accept as being true.  

I guess also I don't have many people to talk to anyway and so cutting even one out would take away my support system and I know that I am not perfect either and can say bad stuff to them sometimes as well.

So, if someone says, "your hair is ugly", I could say, "your hair is ugly too."  If someone says, "you act like a child", I could say "you act like one too" or "yeah I know haha" or "what do you mean" or "I know, right?!" or "yeah its fun".  Like - I need to work on detaching and not being so OCD about what others say or think.

I guess just getting better with making jokes back at them to keep the flow going while trying not to blow up.  One time one of my friends said a comment that upset me and I didn't talk to her for years - - and so just getting better at handling feedback and processing it can be helpful and allow for growth whereas if I always ran away, I would miss out on that growth opportunity.

I don't know - every person tends to think and act SO DIFFERENTLY from every other person so we are bound to have clashes and getting better at handling those differences in opinion can be helpful.

I used to cry every time I lost a tennis match.  I was very much the sensitive type.  So trying to not be sensitive, if I am capable of that, would be nice.

I guess it also depends on how the other person responds to feedback and if they can be honest with me, can I be honest with them...

[PepperBlossoms]

UPDATE:

It can sometimes be hard to tell whether a message is considered bullying, a joke, or when it is considered advice that we are just having a hard time accepting. Info that is painful and confusing to hear and process can sometimes be worthwhile for growth. Sometimes even though we like to learn and grow, the message can be communicated in such an unrelentingly disrespectful and toxic way that we decide that it is no longer worth exploring and that we are better of with moving on to some of the other seemingly infinite ways and sources to explore.

 

I have since decided that some people are not worth sticking with and that y'all are right - sometimes the cord does need to be cut.  There are so many ways to explore and learn that if something is just so inconsiderate about one's feelings, why bother?  It is too distracting and we could be learning other stuff.

 

I haven't been a perfect friend in the past but I have definitely learned to apologize and try to be sensitive to other's feelings and some people still have not gained that skill and may have no desire to.

 

Also, if their reasoning/logic seems to be very disillusioned and they are making lots of assumptions and those happen to be negatively aimed at you, it can be hard to use logic when the other person isn't.  AGHHH I hate bullies.

Edited February 15, 2022 by PepperBlossoms

[PepperBlossoms]

Gosh I hate bullying so much I wish I would have never even bothered with that person.......

UGHHHHHHHHHHH

[Gesundheit2]

People's words can hurt you in one case only; that is if you give them any importance.