Gaining Weight and Restrictive Eating

[soos_mite_ah]

So basically, I have been dealing with restrictive eating for a very long time. While I'm not underweight, my metabolism is really messed up and I'm starting to get different nutritional deficiencies. I have been letting myself eat whatever I want and while I have noticed my mood and my concentration be more consistant and stable, I have been trying to unlearn a lot regarding moralizations with food (i.e. labeling foods and good or bad and beating yourself up for eating a certain way). 

I find myself feeling guilty when I eat "junk food" (namely bread and chocolate). It's to the point where if I eat more on one day, I have this tendency to want to restrict or skip meals the next day. Also, I feel like the whole intermittent fasting thing that I did for a while along with not consistently eating at the same time threw off my regular hunger cues from an hour to hour basis. 

I know that I have disordered eating habits and a messed up relationship with food. But a lot of people dismiss me (and at times I tend to invalidate myself) because I'm not skin and bones, I'm about +10lbs overweight (at least fromt the last time I checked). I know that weight isn't the primary indicator of health for a variety of reasons but I have been conditioned to believe so. I do have a lot of muscle mass but I am squishy around the edges. I'm self conscious about not being toned and for not being skinny in general. The thing that messes me up the most is how my stomach isn't flat and how my chest makes me look much bigger than I am. I have been eating more than usual and since my metabolism is messed up, I did gain some weight. My clothes don't fit the same way they used to and I can feel my waist and my chest get 2 inches bigger. I know most people can't notice but my clothes fit tight and it isn't comfortable. It feels like a constant reminder of me "letting myself go." I currently feel really disgusted with my body even though  when it comes to my relationship with food, I am doing better health wise. Physically, I feel like a blob. As a result, ther is a part of my mind that is telling me to abort mission and go back to restricting food and starving myself. 

I'm mainly writing this out so that I can vent and reflect. Thankfully I have friends who are very supportive emotionally and when it comes to my goal to have a healthier relationship with food. I'm planning on doing more bloodwork as well as get a few appointments with a nutritionist as well. I feel like I'm making progress but in the last couple weeks or so, the whole feeling disgusted with my body thing is really getting me. 

[Gianna]

I used to have an eating disorder and restrictive eating worsened it. It was not healthy in the long run. Intermittent fasting was fine but I would not combine that with restrictive eating. You have to choose your foods out of love for your body. You have to move your body in whatever way is enjoyable for you, out of love for you body. If either of these things are not done out of love it will not yield positive or consistent and efficient results. Choosing healthy foods out of the desire to feel good and doing food meditations helped my metabolism. But it really all starts with your thoughts. Replace all thoughts of judgement with choices of love. 

[Gianna]

You truly are beautiful no matter how you look. So much of this is mental. Even at my skinniest (118lb) I was then discouraged over my lack of curves. The self hate never ended. But it at least led me into seeing the incredible beauty and empowerment of curvy women. 
 

There are so many beautiful girls with beautifully shaped bodies that reflect their character and uniqueness. I know the feeling of self-disgust is literally the worst feeling to experience. But I would work on this directly and not make it about the food or exercise. You deserve to live freely. Whatever you choose to do, choose to love yourself. Countering self-hate is the quickest route to a healthy physique and feeling good over your body and yourself. 

[Gianna]

One last thing, thoughts and emotions are so important/primary that even if you choose to eat unhealthy foods, if you do it out of love you will still lose weight. I started to notice this with myself. My emotions toward myself and subsequent intention had more influence over my health and body than the actual behavior and action I took. Just my experience.  

[flume]

I went through exactly the same thing for 7 years. Until I didn't anymore. You're probably better served with a therapist than a nutritionist, since eating disorders are always an emotional problem, not a physical one. It's also not a matter of willpower. It's a matter of understand how and why you're punishing yourself, which is learned behaviour and usually roots in childhood conditioning.

I'd be happy to chat and tell you everything I've tried, what helped and what didn't. No charge. Link's below. 

[RickyFitts]

19 hours ago, Gianna said:

One last thing, thoughts and emotions are so important/primary that even if you choose to eat unhealthy foods, if you do it out of love you will still lose weight. I started to notice this with myself. My emotions toward myself and subsequent intention had more influence over my health and body than the actual behavior and action I took. Just my experience.  

I love this, I think there's so much wisdom in this.

Edit: I think @flume's post is spot on too, those emotional issues really are so important to resolve.

Edited February 13, 2022 by RickyFitts

[Average Investor]

As mentioned above, I think that going at this to root of the thoughts is important. You might also want to consider what kind of food you are eating as well. From my experience if I am eating healthy foods, I could eat as much as I like without issues. Sure, I don't have the most flat stomach or anything like that, but I cannot get into an unhealthy weight. So maybe trying to work on the types of foods could be some benefit here too. There is so many healthy things that taste amazing, but it will take some work to research and prepare them. 

 

[Gianna]

35 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

I love this, I think there's so much wisdom in this.

Edit: I think @flume's post is spot on too, those emotional issues really are so important to resolve.

I agree! So spot on  

[RendHeaven]

Hey gurl, I'm having similar "issues" myself! I find myself subtly judging myself whenever my stomach isn't flat, allthewhile understanding intellectually that this judgement is meaningless social conditioning.

Sucks when cravings hit and you have to think about whether or not indulging is worth it lmaoo

Solidarity. 

[Michael569]

17 hours ago, flume said:

I'd be happy to chat and tell you everything I've tried, what helped and what didn't. No charge. Link's below. 

^ personally testified  a profound self-transformation just around the corner 

[soos_mite_ah]

@flume Oh I definitately agree. I am currently working with my therapist on this and recent events that have triggered this in me. I'm also more than happy to message you.