What's with older guys (10+ yrs older) approaching much younger women?

[Gianna]

9 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

Understand that a experienced guy (with "game") is generally good at making a girl want to have sex. Not every girl but many. So this whole scenario might often not even occur, the way you describe it.

It’s not about making her want sex if she already wants sex but just doesn’t want that to be made the basis of her. Girls want to have sex too. I have a ton of sexual energy that I need to release. But I don’t make it the basis of a human being like some men do. The scenario still occurs even when the sexual desire on the girls end is there. 

[Lyubov]

Men are most sexually attracted to women in their 20s. This does not tend to stop for most until they get much older and then it’s women in 30s when they are like 50 and then 40s when they are like 60. Guys that are like 50 and still going after early 20s are a bit creepy though. They need to grow up and stop with the Peter Pan lifestyle. I plan to date chicks in their 20s till I’m at least in my mid 40s. 

[Federico del pueblo]

@Gianna But I feel like I still have to put certain things into perspective to not leave you with worst image of men you could possibly have ?

So let me add a few more points.

15 minutes ago, Gianna said:

Yeah, literally. I’ve noticed this. Ugh! It’s very hurtful because it’s invalidating to the process of actually trying to get to know someone. 

Yeah I get this. The interesting thing is this. For most guys getting sex is hard. The harder something is to attain, the more desperate a person is gonna become about attaining it. This is neediness. So the focus is gonna shift more towards this thing and somewhat away from other things.

Ironically this means if all girls were super sexual and promiscuous and were even chasing guys for sex it would change the entire dynamic. Now sex would become less interesting and validating for guys and thus boring. And because of this guys would actually become more concerned about getting into relationships and really getting to know girls etc. But of course this is a hypothetical scenario, it's never gonna happen.

But what this also means is this: the guys who are the best at attaining sex could be split up in two groups: the first group will just capitalise on it forever and fuck as much as they can until they get depressed. The second group will grow beyond just fucking around and start to care more about deep relationships and connection etc. 

And if you want to understand this dynamic better then just observe yourself. For you it's generally easy to get sex. So it's less validating. You have a harder time finding a great guy who is super attractive and willing to commit to you. So now maybe you'll start to behave in more desperate ways about getting him to commit. This is where you might become needy, it's just the flip side of the coin.

The guys who are very nice and ass kissing and who will bend over backwards for you would actually like to be in a relationship with you. And they would do whatever you asked for to make you happy.

BUT, they are coming from a place of weakness. Their nice behaviour is a compensation for feeling like they are beneath you. For them you are a total catch. They give so you give back. They are nice so you stay (and sometimes they get a little nasty because they're so insecure and jealous). They try to make you feel good, so you give them sex. They will send you several inches long texts to explain how much they like you

So the guys who would be the most willing to do anything it takes to make you happy are the ones who are the least sexually interesting. Sorry ?

 

[mandyjw]

Sometimes women get stuck in judgmental thought patterns as they age and are less receptive to fun, spontaneity and affection. Maybe they have been burned in the past, or maybe their friends have and they are afraid they will be too. Maybe they are more interested in how the man will affect her image than tuning into her honest appreciation of him. Many men mistake these mature women's skepticism as a reflection on themselves, and rather than examine their own thoughts and see the insecurity, they instead pass the women off as "unattractive". So women who are younger (though maybe naïve or maybe just more open-minded, or a bit of both), are more attractive to them. They want a woman that they can please, show new things to, that respects them for who they are. If there's a trend of men avoiding women their age, it's a situation created by both parties being unwilling to examine their own insecurity. 

You can have the best of both worlds, when you appreciate and are open and receptive, everything you need to know will be revealed to you. if you are afraid, you're actually most vulnerable. 

You might be triggered by the older men approaching you because you're already "older" than you actually are in your thought patterns of judgement. If you decide to start observing your thoughts of judgement around men, remember, you are not working to make yourself more attractive for men, you're doing this for your own pleasure. The best route is to forget men for a while and really do what you like for your own pleasure. We may have spent years doing stuff to please others. What pleases you? Make lists of stuff that makes you happy. Try new things. Men just want to give pleasure to a woman who is open to receive it. That's why before a man can make you happy or you'll find one that makes you happy, you have to make yourself happy. Cause that's just what you really Are.

Edited February 11, 2022 by mandyjw

[Gianna]

9 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

@Gianna But I feel like I still have to put certain things into perspective to not leave you with worst image of men you could possibly have ?

So let me add a few more points.

Yeah I get this. The interesting thing is this. For most guys getting sex is hard. The harder something is to attain, the more desperate a person is gonna become about attaining it. This is neediness. So the focus is gonna shift more towards this thing and somewhat away from other things.

Ironically this means if all girls were super sexual and promiscuous and were even chasing guys for sex it would change the entire dynamic. Now sex would become less interesting and validating for guys and thus boring. And because of this guys would actually become more concerned about getting into relationships and really getting to know girls etc. But of course this is a hypothetical scenario, it's never gonna happen.

But what this also means is this: the guys who are the best at attaining sex could be split up in two groups: the first group will just capitalise on it forever and fuck as much as they can until they get depressed. The second group will grow beyond just fucking around and start to care more about deep relationships and connection etc. 

And if you want to understand this dynamic better then just observe yourself. For you it's generally easy to get sex. So it's less validating. You have a harder time finding a great guy who is super attractive and willing to commit to you. So now maybe you'll start to behave in more desperate ways about getting him to commit. This is where you might become needy, it's just the flip side of the coin.

The guys who are very nice and ass kissing and who will bend over backwards for you would actually like to be in a relationship with you. And they would do whatever you asked for to make you happy.

BUT, they are coming from a place of weakness. Their nice behaviour is a compensation for feeling like they are beneath you. For them you are a total catch. They give so you give back. They are nice so you stay (and sometimes they get a little nasty because they're so insecure and jealous). They try to make you feel good, so you give them sex. They will send you several inches long texts to explain how much they like you

So the guys who would be the most willing to do anything it takes to make you happy are the ones who are the least sexually interesting. Sorry ?

 

Hehehe. Wow. I feel like everything you said is so on point. 

[Ulax]

Guys get much more grounded with age. They know who they are more, and that breeds confidence.

[somegirl]

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

What are the beliefs and thoughts connected to that sense of being insulted?

It makes me a bit irritated that they do not care that they are much older than me... Like, they do not have conscience that they shouldn't be dating someone so much younger than themselves. For many reasons. 

[Preety_India]

Imagine if the gender roles were reversed here and if a man complained about feeling insulted that an older woman approached him. Feminists would have blown up the thread. (omg a woman's value doesn't decline with age, yada yada) But I guess it's fine to shame men who are older. Hypocrisy. 

 

 

Edited February 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[flowboy]

1 minute ago, somegirl said:

It makes me a bit irritated that they do not care that they are much older than me... Like, they do not have conscience that they shouldn't be dating someone so much younger than themselves. For many reasons. 

So the insultedness comes from a belief that they should not be dating people much younger than themselves.

That is an entirely subjective belief.

The discomfort comes from them not sharing your belief.

They are acting in accordance with their belief, just like you are.

So you have that in common, at least.

 

[somegirl]

2 hours ago, Federico del pueblo said:

Get rid of that bitchy attitude lol. You don't owe any guy anything, but feeling "kinda insulted"?! That's weird. 

Read my response to why it makes me a bit irritated lol. 

[somegirl]

2 minutes ago, flowboy said:

So the insultedness comes from a belief that they should not be dating people much younger than themselves.

Well they have much more experience than me. They have many experiences with dealing with people. They can use that knowledge to their advantage, which they often do. There's an imbalance in dynamics. This is why it bothers me. 

[flowboy]

@somegirl  Your discomfort and irritation comes from clinging to a certain belief of what is "wrong" and what is "right"

1 minute ago, somegirl said:

Well they have much more experience than me. They have many experiences with dealing with people. They can use that knowledge to their advantage, which they often do. There's an imbalance in dynamics. This is why it bothers me. 

So the absolute dogma you hold about what's wrong and what's right, can actually be traced back to something that is very personal for you.

So you can see, it is not an absolute rule.

You have some fear around being taken advantage of, and that's why this belief makes sense for you.

But you could  do without it, if you could feel more trust.

Trust in yourself, to be able to protect and take care of yourself, and discern people's intentions correctly. Basically, trusting your own intuition more.

Then you wouldn't need this belief, because you'd feel more safe in the world.

[Gili Trawangan]

4 minutes ago, somegirl said:

They can use that knowledge to their advantage, which they often do.

This is one of those things that gets said often and is never actually explained.

I have no idea what you're talking about, and I'm nearly 40.

[flowboy]

There's also upsides to being with someone more experienced. It can provide you with a feeling of safety, protection, guidance, feeling really contained and held in the arms of someone you can trust and who can really provide a lot of wisdom and resourcefulness. Basically using the advantages of his age for the good of you, him, and the world.

This is the side you are not seeing.

This is what other people might find valuable in a relationship with someone older.

And I don't blame you for not seeing it that way.

It all depends on earlier imprints of older people in our lives.

Were they trustworthy?

Could we count on them?

Did they protect us?

Or did they fail us, betray us, abandon us, even use us and take advantage?

It heavily colours our paradigm of today.

Edited February 11, 2022 by flowboy

[Tristan12]

A woman is generally at her peak attractiveness/value in her 20s (since physical appearance is so important to men), so I think its natural that guys will always be the most interested in younger girls regardless of their age. That's probably why so many older guys will still go for younger girls.

Also, a man's value generally raises with age. He becomes more mature, more developed in his finances and career, has more experience attracting women and is better at it. Any high-value man will want a high-value woman which will often end up being a younger one.

[Federico del pueblo]

15 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Read my response to why it makes me a bit irritated lol. 

I've read it now. It's purely subjective though. Sure you can see it like this. But a guy can have a different view of it and is just as right or wrong about it as you are.

 

14 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Well they have much more experience than me. They have many experiences with dealing with people. They can use that knowledge to their advantage, which they often do. There's an imbalance in dynamics. This is why it bothers me. 

All these things can be the precise reasons for which a woman might find a much older man attractive (except for the exploiting stuff).

You are responsible for yourself and what you do with your body. Nobody can make you do something against your will unless you let them do so (rape excluded ofc).

Of course there is an imbalance in the dynamic. But unless a guy has gained lots of experiences with women there also is an imbalance in the dynamic, just in favor of the girl (attractive girls have more power in social situations with guys of the same age due to higher social value/sexual market value in most cases).

This is why men get into learning success with women, so they shift the power dynamic more to their advantage.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, flowboy said:

There's also upsides to being with someone more experienced. It can provide you with a feeling of safety, protection, guidance, feeling really contained and held in the arms of someone you can trust and who can really provide a lot of wisdom and resourcefulness. Basically using the advantages of his age for the good of you, him, and the world.

This is the side you are not seeing.

This is what other people might find valuable in a relationship with someone older.

And I don't blame you for not seeing it that way.

It all depends on earlier imprints of older people in our lives.

Were they trustworthy?

Could we count on them?

Did they protect us?

Or did they fail us, betray us, abandon us, even use us and take advantage?

It heavily colours our paradigm of today.

Beautifully said. 

[somegirl]

57 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

You might be triggered by the older men approaching you because you're already "older" than you actually are in your thought patterns of judgement.

That doesn't make much sense. Can you elaborate? 

[somegirl]

11 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Or did they fail us, betray us, abandon us, even use us and take advantage?

Maybe I have this belief because of this. 

[flowboy]

10 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Maybe I have this belief because of this. 

I think there's something there for you.

 ?
 

Edited February 11, 2022 by flowboy