Coming to terms with concept

[Adndnadan]

Fake vs real growth 

Curing perfectionism

Maslows hierarchy of needs 

No growth possible without training.

Among others

I feel so behind in every aspect of life, I feel like Ive so many bad thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and addictions to overcome. 

I really, really forgot I was supposed to be enjoying life, enjoying the process of finding, and making my life purpose happen. Ive just spent so much time procrastinating, ruminating, neurotic, lonely, depressed, anxious, impulsive, completely lost in concept. 

I fear going into further rumination about my situation, feel like I've engaged in enough victim mindset. I just need to keep so much in mind, with my every thought. It's good to remind myself that I'm supposed to be enjoying this process though, not neurotically obsessiving over it, cause It really resonates, I genuinely recollect feelings of hope and gratitude. I've just crafted such a broad yet seemingly unnatainable ideal, set myself up with so much negative motivation, and become aware of such a multitude of my of unwanted mindsets, and behaviors, and methods of approaching any process of growth, that even the way by which I wanna grow doesnt seem tangible.

I need to do so much inner work, is pretty much what I'm saying lol. So much. I've been trying to go full on inner work when it comes to dealing with the states of my relationships, and truthfully i do have alot of work to be done when it comes to that, but at the root, my relationship with all my family members is God awful. And I recognize that even the bad parts of this journey are part of something that can be wonderful, I've love, but the nature of my relationships have done nothing but brought me paij, I can't navigate them in any way that's gonna provide me more growth than they will set me back. Everything around me wants to distract me, keep me stuck in an addictive, automatic, emotional lifestyle.

Even this method by which I write down my thoughts and express myself is kind of flawed when it comes to the growth I need to face, this itself is part of a greater, deeper problem. 

I could write the never ending story, but I'm  about done I guess. 

Ive already been writing a fuck ton in one note, but even there I was just engaging in the unwanted behavior, not taking on the right ratio of inner and external work. I'm thinking it'll be beneficial to know some of my thoughts are being heard by someone, especially people like you, and that I'm really doing this to work towards something greater, not just crying to myself about how bad everything is, and fantasizing about what could be without developing a clear vision. Im almost scared of the time I've wasted and the progress I've made, but greater things are to come.

 

 

 

[Adndnadan]

The last dream i had, I woke up from. Its weird, in dreams people can change entirely in appearance and gender but play the same roles. First I was in my old house I think, and I was looking for honey, in the kitchen cabinets. I stood on something, probably the counter, and opened the cabinet in the top far corner. Behind spider webs, and among some other trash there were family pics. Me, sis, I think mom n dad too but don't remember. From there, I don't know how but I was on an app looking at was somehow pics of stuff relating to like a great grandma. Or great great. Then I was with this group of girls who were like some naked, but we were all I think on skateboards mobbing down the street. The main girl, she had some cause purpose. But at some point it became just two girls I was with. Definitely all on skateboard's. And we came to this guy's house. I was nervous, didn't even say anything to him or introduce myself, and one of the girls who turned into a guy gave me shit about it after I followed him into a room that the guy whose house it was told him he could go into. We were in there to get drugs I'm pretty sure, there was talk of molly. I've never done it. Probably why I was nervous there. It was there the dream ended. But there's were my later dreams, I had tons before. 

There was the one where I was being interviewed at a hospital, I don't remember it well but I remember remembering it. They were asking personal stuff, not typical job interview stuff. I was comfortable enough answering everything though. There was more to that dream, sucks I don't remember.

And in another, while different setting, but I'm vague on the details. I just remember at one point I was going through a dresser drawer, and had a bunch of shirts. Cool shirts. I don't know that they were all mine before, and most of em said like 420 n stuff. There was a point where I was there. It was a house. I was there with people too. But all I remember really is I had a little hard of some weed, and I was about to offer some girl one of the stacks of joint papers I had, cause I had no intent of smoking shit, but I probably still wasn't gonna give the weed for free. But I realized, she had stolen it, n went to her room. But I got it back, stuff was in the floor. This is probably misrepresentative of the dream, I wish I remembered better. I've been in bed for like, 10 hours more since I feel asleep. And I actually woke up like 20 min ago.

(Old left unposted and idk if I have it saved else where)

[Adndnadan]

shit i write in a YouTube comment section but don't post

I have involuntary memories of my past, I'm 18. They're not of traumatic or distressing things, well some are somewhat, but thats not the main point. I remember things like places I went, and tv shows I seen, and come to understand that I'll just never know the name of that show, or the location of that place I went. I'll never know what conversations I had, what thoughts I had for the first time. I'll never know the sensory details of every moment episodically. Days, nights, sights, sounds, people, places, things, general experiences. The exciting and the boring. I can't remember my development. I can't remember my growth. I don't know my past. And what you do remember gets reconstructed upon every recollection,  becoming a poor whittled down discolored version of the reality of what once really was. But even upon the your first rememberance thats essentially whats happening. Memories don't really compare to reality. But whats the difference between experiencing reality and the conceptualization of a memory? Whats the difference between a vivid recollection and the concept of the past to be remembered? If were just hallucinating our reality then where do you draw the line between concept and reality? Depends on the context I guess.  It becomes evident that if you're bound to recollect things and want to preserve the past as pristine as possible your wisest choice would be to experience the reality of every present moment and not get lost in depressive concepts and vegetative states. Experience anew everyday, optimize the health of your brain and mindset. All that. But everything's really concept, and reality can be hard to cope with, sometime more often than not. Depressing even. Lonely. You may go from grieving your inability to know your past to. "Memories don't compare to reality" "the reality of the past" Has the past ever existed as more than a concept? Does my past even exist? It it a point in time I could go back to? I know its not. Its not real. And I can't become a mind reading, time and space manpulating, invisible, permeable, telekinetic super computer and watch the past like a movie seeing into and documenting everything. Yet time moves on. Im not attached to some romanticized version of my past, I just want to know. Maybe I am attached to some romanticized version of our collective past. But its all just conceptual, not some objective reality I can explore. Im bound to forget just as I am to die. Then again death is just a concept. Why can't forgetting be. Maybe it is lol. If you just knew something but forgot your state of ignorance, you would never know you were once without that info. Likewise you could forget your knowingness of something and devolve into depressive conceptualized ignorance. And you may never know that you once knew.. something. Unless you remembered, of course. But whats the validity of a memory if you can just forget, if it's just a concept of  the concept that is the past. What would be the difference between a memory and a fabrication, something you just imagined. It may fulfill your qualifications of knowingness but you'll never know. There is no difference. Every remembered concept can be conceptualized upon further. If you've a tendency to wonder and dwell you will grieve the conceptual. Accept your rawest conceptualizations as reality and  don't go mad losing control of your attachment to an imagined alternate reality. If you can't do that youre just addicted to depression. When you think about this shit all the time detachment becomes your closest relation. To think this is to be you. If you can't have a verified episodic past to remember or a present in which you can be consistently comfortable then you've no choice but to embrace your longing and its futility. To be content with discontent. Thats not possible to a true extent. By definition. Right? It really is the only thing I can deeply embrace and find some peace in. The only thing I can embrace with as much passion as I long. I imagine ones most priotized ideal and egoic attachment would be something they remember above much. If they were to deteriorate cognitively. At least in my case, where memory is the concern. Other people would remember actual episodic shit. What are my neural connections worth? This is getting convoluted. Im wasting my time. Talking to myself. Everything makes me want to know the past. I had a dream the other day, and upon waking recollection I recognized  it was one confronting this struggle of mine. Misrememberance. And shit. I was in a classroom. One of a very early grade.. Everyone was looking at me grinning all fucked up and evil like. I don't remember it in detail, I just remember upon waking I could tell what it was about. I've become detached from a lot of people, places, things. There's so many different levels and genres of grief. I'd say more than there is bubbles of rememberance, but to remember is just to conceptualize. And that can get pretty deep i imagine. Given its true reality. I should get tired of being this way. I do. But memories just keep coming. Blurred fragments of the past that I just can't analyze in any depth. Not the reality of the past they conceptualize at least. 10:10 sun jun 12 2022