Hi, Ever since I was a kid gambling has been around me. Every Sunday when I'd go to visit my father he would do sports betting and we'd sit there and watch the sports. My first ever memory gambling was when me and my sisters where talking to my Dad about it and he allowed to put a bet on through his account using our pocket money.  I predicted the correct score of a football match when I was probably about 5 years old and won £50 and shared the wealth between me and my sisters.  As I got older, I became more curious of my father’s gambling. When I was 15 years old I opened an online betting account and photoshopped the age on my passport. Started having bets here and there and kept it all a secret.  I remember when I first turned 18 me and my friends went to the casino, I was broke then because I didn't have a job but they lent me £2 and I got several numbers right in a few spins of roulette and in 10 minutes I had turned that £2 into £380.  I didn't have much a of a problem until my girlfriend sacked me off and never spoke to me again after her Mum passed away from cancer. It hurt me so much... my solution to it all was to just place bets on the sports and then I wouldn't be thinking about her and how she was.  It did work, for that moment the sports was on I did not care about anything else other than my bet. Eureka, I had found a way to remove away the bad thoughts.  One day I called in sick to work and turned £100 into £5000, I thought I was a prophet because I would literally win like 33 bets in a row. Anyway, thinking that I was just good at gambling and that it wasn't just pure luck I carried on and got heavier and heavier with my bets.  Obviously, my luck eventually went bad.... I lost everything, £10,000 and not only that but over the course of the following months I managed to also lose about £8,000 that I took out in loans because I had a good credit rating at the time. I quit my job, and abandoned the house I was living in. Took out a loan and flew to Holland where I stayed for about 3 weeks until I found a casino and lost all my money. I was literally stranded in a foreign country with no money.  My mates mum had to transfer me money to afford a flight. When I returned to England, I had nothing and felt so empty and depressed. I had to take anti-depressants to ease the pain. I ended up enrolling into University which was a fantastic idea because it would be a clean slate for me and I'd just be able to live on my student loan. I could also quit smoking weed and doing drugs for a fresh head.  When I moved into student halls I felt a bit weird because I felt like I wasn't the person that I should be and that I should have money and confidence and that people won't know the real me. The situation got even worse when I gambled my whole student loan....  I made friends, who are good friends but being surrounded by them I started smoking weed and doing drugs on the weekend to fit in. A life I’d lived already and wanted to disregard and study instead. I don't know how I made it through the first year of University but I did... and I got decent grades (all that negative energy). I've been trying so hard to fight my compulsive gambling habit and it has improved. I'd do months without gambling and then eventually do it and lose a couple of hundred and then realize it was a bad idea and then stop. Eventually I took myself into counseling and spoke to them about my problems every Tuesday for about 3 months. When I started the counseling I'd already been in abstinence for about 3 months.  I thought I was fixed. I had money. I had happiness. I was cured. I decided to stop the counseling.  I ended up losing £3600. This week. All my hard work and savings from being clean are now gone.  Now, I'm back to square one. I've been here many times before, broke, depressed and worthless with suicidal thoughts.  Living in the present moment and not thinking about my past or future can cure me for now but I need a permanent fix. Inspired by this website I have decided to take up meditation and I am going to take what I can from this website. Sitting there and just doing nothing is helping me a lot right now. I am fortunate that I do still have money for food, essentials and my rent will be payable until my next student loan.  I need this to be the last time.... otherwise I must end my life. This is no way to live when I first got hooked on gambling I was just a boy but now I look at myself in the mirror and I see a man who is broken. Where have the last 4 years of my life gone?  I should have happiness and wealth because I constantly strive and work hard for it but eventually the relapse comes and takes everything.  Right now, ... I believe that I deserve this. The concept of gambling is based on greed and I should have my head in the right state of mind to just enjoy what I have. I could of been so happy with the £3600, I was going to buy a car and learn to drive and go on holiday. How do I get this into permanent practice?  I know what I need to do... I just need it to be permanent.  I use to smoke weed A LOT but I've cut down on it and laid of it for long periods of time. Sometimes I feel like it’s getting high that takes my mind of balance and makes me prone to doing stupid shit like having a bet when my history says that I should not.  I believe the only way to fix myself is to change who I am and to be happy with what I have. To maintain this mind state then I must also change my ways and make sure that I don't get high because my mind must be stable always. It's a shame really, I feel as if I have a massive demon inside me which wants to gamble and I have to make sacrifices in my life to keep him under control. I want to give life another go. I am fortunate to not be in poverty right now and I appreciate that... a week ago I had much more than that, why did I not appreciate it at the time?