Fighting Of My Compulsive Gambling

[Just Do Nothing]

Hi,

Ever since I was a kid gambling has been around me. Every Sunday when I'd go to visit my father he would do sports betting and we'd sit there and watch the sports. My first ever memory gambling was when me and my sisters where talking to my Dad about it and he allowed to put a bet on through his account using our pocket money. 

I predicted the correct score of a football match when I was probably about 5 years old and won £50 and shared the wealth between me and my sisters. 

As I got older, I became more curious of my father’s gambling. When I was 15 years old I opened an online betting account and photoshopped the age on my passport. Started having bets here and there and kept it all a secret. 

I remember when I first turned 18 me and my friends went to the casino, I was broke then because I didn't have a job but they lent me £2 and I got several numbers right in a few spins of roulette and in 10 minutes I had turned that £2 into £380. 

I didn't have much a of a problem until my girlfriend sacked me off and never spoke to me again after her Mum passed away from cancer. It hurt me so much... my solution to it all was to just place bets on the sports and then I wouldn't be thinking about her and how she was. 

It did work, for that moment the sports was on I did not care about anything else other than my bet. Eureka, I had found a way to remove away the bad thoughts. 

One day I called in sick to work and turned £100 into £5000, I thought I was a prophet because I would literally win like 33 bets in a row. Anyway, thinking that I was just good at gambling and that it wasn't just pure luck I carried on and got heavier and heavier with my bets. 

Obviously, my luck eventually went bad.... I lost everything, £10,000 and not only that but over the course of the following months I managed to also lose about £8,000 that I took out in loans because I had a good credit rating at the time.

I quit my job, and abandoned the house I was living in. Took out a loan and flew to Holland where I stayed for about 3 weeks until I found a casino and lost all my money. I was literally stranded in a foreign country with no money.  My mates mum had to transfer me money to afford a flight.

When I returned to England, I had nothing and felt so empty and depressed. I had to take anti-depressants to ease the pain. I ended up enrolling into University which was a fantastic idea because it would be a clean slate for me and I'd just be able to live on my student loan. I could also quit smoking weed and doing drugs for a fresh head. 

When I moved into student halls I felt a bit weird because I felt like I wasn't the person that I should be and that I should have money and confidence and that people won't know the real me. The situation got even worse when I gambled my whole student loan.... 

I made friends, who are good friends but being surrounded by them I started smoking weed and doing drugs on the weekend to fit in. A life I’d lived already and wanted to disregard and study instead.

I don't know how I made it through the first year of University but I did... and I got decent grades (all that negative energy).

I've been trying so hard to fight my compulsive gambling habit and it has improved. I'd do months without gambling and then eventually do it and lose a couple of hundred and then realize it was a bad idea and then stop. Eventually I took myself into counseling and spoke to them about my problems every Tuesday for about 3 months. When I started the counseling I'd already been in abstinence for about 3 months. 

I thought I was fixed. I had money. I had happiness. I was cured. I decided to stop the counseling. 

I ended up losing £3600. This week. All my hard work and savings from being clean are now gone. 

Now, I'm back to square one. I've been here many times before, broke, depressed and worthless with suicidal thoughts. 

Living in the present moment and not thinking about my past or future can cure me for now but I need a permanent fix. Inspired by this website I have decided to take up meditation and I am going to take what I can from this website. Sitting there and just doing nothing is helping me a lot right now. I am fortunate that I do still have money for food, essentials and my rent will be payable until my next student loan. 

I need this to be the last time.... otherwise I must end my life. This is no way to live when I first got hooked on gambling I was just a boy but now I look at myself in the mirror and I see a man who is broken. Where have the last 4 years of my life gone? 

I should have happiness and wealth because I constantly strive and work hard for it but eventually the relapse comes and takes everything. 

Right now, ... I believe that I deserve this. The concept of gambling is based on greed and I should have my head in the right state of mind to just enjoy what I have. I could of been so happy with the £3600, I was going to buy a car and learn to drive and go on holiday. How do I get this into permanent practice? 

I know what I need to do... I just need it to be permanent. 

I use to smoke weed A LOT but I've cut down on it and laid of it for long periods of time. Sometimes I feel like it’s getting high that takes my mind of balance and makes me prone to doing stupid shit like having a bet when my history says that I should not. 

I believe the only way to fix myself is to change who I am and to be happy with what I have. To maintain this mind state then I must also change my ways and make sure that I don't get high because my mind must be stable always.

It's a shame really, I feel as if I have a massive demon inside me which wants to gamble and I have to make sacrifices in my life to keep him under control. I want to give life another go. I am fortunate to not be in poverty right now and I appreciate that... a week ago I had much more than that, why did I not appreciate it at the time? 

Edited January 13, 2017 by Just Do Nothing

[Leo Gura]

Well, definitely stop doing drugs. That's gonna fuck up everything no matter how hard you work at personal development.

No drugs except psychedelics for spiritual growth purposes << That's just a baseline rule you gotta start following. And ditch any hard drug user friends, because they will only pull you down. Also ditch any gambler friends, they will pull you down.

Then start a daily meditation habit. You need to ween yourself off of materialism. Start to notice that there is nothing satisfying about materialism, even when you get everything you want. Money, women, cars, houses, gadgets, etc. None of this stuff is fulfilling. Start to notice this so that your focus gradually shifts to growth, learning, love, consciousness, deep relationships, life purpose, etc.

Find a healthy and fun activity to replace your gambling habit. Because you will certainly backslide as you continue this self-development journey. Have a plan ready for when you backslide.

You might want to look into do a week-long meditation retreat.

You might want to look into psychedelics if you're hooked on recreational drugs. Psychedelics will also be good for combating your materialistic attachments. If you're seriously addicted to recreational drugs, research Ibogaine treatments clinics. Your life will never be the same again.

[Hunter Arrington]

Just do nothing ✔️. 

 

And everything Leo said. Stay safe with the Ibogaine though. 

Drugs are bad Mkay. Only psychedelics used responsibly Is where it's at it seems. I'd say find some local ayahuasca and a trusted guide, but follow all precautions with food and being clean so nothing mixes with the ayahuasca in your body. 

Edited January 14, 2017 by Hunter Arrington

[Just Do Nothing]

Thank you so much for your time! I have already laid of the drugs it was mainly weed and hash that I was smoking daily in phases. I noticed when I last smoked a joint that it threw my mind of balance and made bad emotions come out. No point in meditation if I'm going to get stoned and ruin the work.

Harder drugs (club drugs) I had done pretty much every weekend over the festive period, right now...I don't want to ever do them again. I sound like a massive druggie but Britain has the biggest drug culture in the whole of Europe and being at University makes it even worse! 

It's funny you say about psychedelics for spiritual growth, I tried mushrooms for the first time this year and it was such an insightful experience. I had planned to do them once every three months as a ritual to reward myself for working hard.  In fact, typing this again gives me motive to actually make this a thing.
 

Quote

 

Then start a daily meditation habit. You need to ween yourself off of materialism. Start to notice that there is nothing satisfying about materialism, even when you get everything you want. Money, women, cars, houses, gadgets, etc. None of this stuff is fulfilling. Start to notice this so that your focus gradually shifts to growth, learning, love, consciousness, deep relationships, life purpose, etc.

 

 

I meditated for twenty minutes last night and it was such a good sensation, I've attempted meditating several times in my life but it is only recently that I am starting to get sensations and enlightenment. I had the best sleep last night after meditation I laid in bed tingling and feeling truly blessed by the Universe (oneself). 

You are right, materialism is not satisfying and although I can put it into practice I end up being obsessive over material which eventually leaves to my downfall. I have plenty to shift my focus on to and I am grateful for that fact. I'm going to work hard at university again, grow myself to be a better person, learn, love and fulfil my life purpose to make a good contribution to this world for the future. 

Fortunately, I do like to keep fit and I do Thai Boxing a couple of times a week (not lately as have deadlines) I have plenty of time spent into fitness and it is my favourite hobby. I love to make music and right now I feel inspired to make some.. but like I say I have assignments in shortly so that is my priority. After my assignments are done I'm gonna watch your videos about creativity because I feel like it's something that I lack right now. 

I know it seems like I already know all the answers, the truth is... I do know how to live the lifestyle to an extent however, I fail to have to have the wisdom to put into practice permanently. This website has helped me massively, normally I start to contemplate ending my life at this point... but right now, I am actually feeling pretty fucking fantastic  

For now I've ordered one of your recommended books 'Managing Oneself' by Pete Drucker!  I shall be studying that on arrival whilst putting into practice my new way of life. 

 

 

[Just Do Nothing]

Okay so it just so happened that my housemate never used the dry shrooms that I gave him.

I ate 3.5g and meditated. I drifted off to my true form. Unfortunately, I told a friend to come round before I started meditating and I got disturbed by him.

This put me on a bad trip, I had to meditate to find my peace again but instead I found a demon.

"I am the one that lies within" 

A housemate came in my room and was like "woah are you okay them shrooms are fucking with you bro"

I told him that I was fine and just meditating.

The truth was at this moment I found myself very scared. I had just spoken but the words where not mine. 

I started flipping out, the realisation that my whole life I've been possessed. Greed, want and obsessing for more. I had to fight this demon away for good. 

This was a battle with inside my mind, I had to appreciate everything that I had at this moment and just be happy.

I continued to flip out, at times talking to myself in the mirror and telling this demon to get the fuck out my life.

I was unsure of who was in control at this point and who was telling who to go away.

I spent the next couple of hours finding peace within myself and appreciating everything in my life. 

I was shaking, trembling with fear. But I soon realised it was not me who was afraid but the demon inside of me. I was winning the battle.

I found true happiness eventually, overwhelmed with joy. Screaming with happiness in my house. I was in control.

I then ran 5 miles... On my run a lady on the other side of the road cheered me on "woo oh roadrunner you go boy" straight after two men on the same side of me made a provocative bark at me and taunted me. It scared me.... I couldn't let it bother me and found my inner peace shortly afterwards. 

I am pretty sure that was one of my fastest 5 mile runs. One of the happiest moments of my life. Running around my city screaming with joy.

I am finally cleansed, however I am also pretty insane now  

I know there is still work to be done but today was a big realisation, finally I feel that I am in control. 

-------------------------

Is their any chance that this post can be moved to he journal section so that I can continue to update my progress from this moment?

I do realise that some of the stuff I have replied so far has been a bit 'edgy' so to say. But that was me trying to change... Now I feel as if I have finally awoken

 

 

 

 

 

[elias]

great to read this content!

keep going men.

nice that you help @Leo Gura

[Just Do Nothing]

5 hours ago, elias said:

great to read this content!

keep going men.

nice that you help @Leo Gura

Yep, I googled 'overcoming addiction' and watched that video by Leo. 

Now it's lead me onto a new path where I appreciate everything and everything is more beautiful. 

I know that if I keep this up for the rest of my life then all the pain will be worth it.... not that it already is  

I think the only thing that I'll get addicted to now is meditation haha!!