Is it on men not to waste women's time?

[Lyubov]

I sometimes feel bad knowing I may be wasting my gf's time. idk if I wanna get married or have kids and she really wants this. I love her though and we both very much wanna be with each other. she's 26 so realistically she has like maybe 4-6 more years before she enters the "dating divorced men" phase if she isn't hitched yet. is it a man's fault for wasting women's time? I feel I'm pretty up front about my long term plans, no kids or marriage in my early 30s. 

[zazen]

I have this same predicament. If you date girls who are younger under 26/27 and they agree they don't want marriage/kids etc they don't really know any better at that age what they want. Once they come closer to their late 20's usually is when the pressure comes for kids/marriage and that maternal instinct kicks in, everyone around them getting married/kids also. Women in the 28-33 range are focused on locking down and have kids/marrying usually, so wasting a woman's time in this age range isn't nice either and feels a lot more guilty. After 33 a women who says she doesn't want kids/marriage and can agree with you has more than likely come to that conclusion clear headed / accepted it without her biology/society pressuring her in those other years. Maybe also the fact that its difficult at that age lets them accept it, although that doesn't mean their always happy / can become bitter they didn't fulfil their instinct. 

 

For men who don't want children / marriage the odds are much lower of finding a woman on the same page as it is a instinct. The women who don't want children / marriage can usually be maybe bitter by the dating market / negative in which case you don't want to be with someone toxic, or believe its not good for the environment etc. Hard to come across a woman who wouldn't want it, who's also healthy happy etc. Maybe you just need to be such a valuable man that they just want to spend their life with you and are willing to give up marriage/kids for that. Trying to logically explain why you don't want children / marriage doesn't always go down well as they get emotional and you can't have a rational conversation with a emotional person. 

 

Not sure what your reasons are, but mentioning you don't want children/marriage/family in general is a hard pill for people to swallow and the societal conditioning etc makes people respond negatively to you. If you start going into your reasons people get negative, offended etc. My reason is I'd rather dedicate life to the many other things we'r able to do in the modern world, opportunity cost, the future isn't looking too bright so don't want to bring children into the culture we have. Saying these things makes you just sound negative etc but most people aren't clued onto the general state of affairs of the world and think everything is hunky dorey, their wasting time on netflix sports etc. 

 

In this case, we'r left to do short term relationships as most want it to lead to somewhere but then again short term relationships / hook ups aren't even fulfilling and are ruining society/women also. What is one to do..

Edited February 10, 2022 by zazen

[Raptorsin7]

@Lyubov Maybe you could think about how you can help her prepare for life after the break up or something. Basically try and help her reach a point where she doesn't need you and is as well prepared as she can be for the situation you fear for her(alone and single in her 40's etc)

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Lyubov said:

I'm pretty up front about my long term plans, no kids or marriage in my early 30s. 

Enough said, isn’t it?

Maybe she’s wasting her time, depending on her knowing of what she is wanting. 

[Raze]

No. As long as you make your intentions clear, it is on her. This is equality. She will probably blame you for wasting her time eventually though.

[FlyingLotus]

     -You both might have more options than you realize.  What’s her plan for having kids?  Is it a must for her to have a baby in her late 20s?  If she only wants one or two, can she wait until she’s in her 30s?  Is she willing to get her eggs frozen?  Talk to her openly about all this.   Are you making a bunch of assumptions, or is this how she feels?

     -Most men live in sexual scarcity, that doesn’t mean you have to.  I’ve read some of your posts.  You absolutely can find a woman who’s great and who has the same timing as you.  If you knew, without a doubt, that you could get another girl, would you string this one along?

     -You have more dating options than you realize, especially in a stage orange or green society.  A lot of women are more than happy to start having kids in their early 30s.  Some women only want one kid and have it in their mid 30s.  Some women get their eggs frozen.  Some don’t want kids at all.  The % of people who wants kids is lower these days.  Question assumptions.

     -If you find out that the timing in your relationship is totally incompatible, don’t worry about being a “bad guy” for breaking up with her.  She’ll be grateful you had the strength and integrity to be honest and break things off without leading her on for years.  She’ll remember you as a good guy even if she’s upset in the moment.

     -Remember, actions have karmic consequences.  You could “technically” get away with stalling out her biological clock and have fun wasting her time.  She might even be totally in love with you that she deceives herself, but how would that make you feel?

     Although she is 100% responsible for her own actions, she could be easy to manipulate because she’s in love.  Is that really something you want to do?  Is that ethical behavior?  If you were emotionally compromised and thus easy to manipulate, would you want someone you love to do that to you?  Just some things to contemplate.

[flowboy]

@Lyubov  If you are growing uncomfortable with the difference in what you want, which posting this topic could indicate, maybe it's time to have a serious conversation about it with her.

No, you do not have to be responsible for her getting what she wants out of life, if you are upfront and give her all the information she needs to decide.

But, you could be compassionate and investigate / stimulate her to figure it out and see if she's really sure she wants to stay with you.

The more you grow as a man, the wider your circle of concern becomes.

You may find yourself not just worrying about whether you can be blamed for anything while you get what you want, but also about the fulfillment of people around you.

At least that's what I have found myself experiencing off and on recently.

Given that you could meet a girl who is equally great, but wants the same as you, wouldn't that be better for everyone?

Edited February 11, 2022 by flowboy

[Terell Kirby]

On 2/10/2022 at 5:06 AM, Lyubov said:

I sometimes feel bad knowing I may be wasting my gf's time.

Sounds like you are not really into her, and want to play the field.

If you know this is true, then the most loving thing would be to free her by ending the relationship.

It will sting for a while, and you have be prepared in case you find out she has began dating another guy (girls have no problem finding new men quickly). But the good thing is you'll be free to go for what you really want.

[Loba]

If you guys are at different places in life, it could be time to let her go.  But this is up to you.  There are options for people who wish to wait to have kids later in life, too.  Have you discussed this, or does she want them at a certain time in life?  If so, I would let her find that man who wants to have a child, too.  If I were with someone and could not offer them a child (I don't want kids) I would let them go, and remain friends if the relationship was good.  There is nothing wrong with changing roles if you guys are in different places in life, letting a relationship go doesn't mean letting the person go, it just means changing some definitions around, you know?

You could find someone who doesn't want kids right now, or at all and date for a while and she could find a man who is looking for children soon and if it works out, start her family.  For some women, family is very important, and so I wouldn't want to get in the way of her having this chance.  But you know, she still has a few years, it isn't like you can't enjoy a relationship for a while longer, either.

Communicate all the different options you have and pick one that suits you both the best and go from there.

Edited February 11, 2022 by Loba

[Lyubov]

2 hours ago, Terell Kirby said:

Sounds like you are not really into her, and want to play the field.

If you know this is true, then the most loving thing would be to free her by ending the relationship.

It will sting for a while, and you have be prepared in case you find out she has began dating another guy (girls have no problem finding new men quickly). But the good thing is you'll be free to go for what you really want.

Nah I’m super into her ? I’m just a horny bastard …. 

[Terell Kirby]

Just now, Lyubov said:

Nah I’m super into her ? I’m just a horny bastard …. 

Not into to her enough to marry and have kids though?

[Lyubov]

45 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

Not into to her enough to marry and have kids though?

I’m not sure on that. I just don’t feel ready for it. I’m young. It’s kinda separate. I see love and relationship as separate. You can love someone to pieces and not want what they want or be on the same path and you can be on the same path with someone and align in some domains but have lost all passion and not be that into them. Loving her more or less wouldn’t change this it’s just a life path difference. I’ll mull it over and see if I’m willing to compromise on this and go with the flow and settle down or not. Idk man. 

Edited February 11, 2022 by Lyubov