Need help for having successful dates

[Illusory Self]

Been getting some good results online as of late but seem to be blowing a lot of dates into the ground. Are there any resources one can share for how to run a successful date? Here are the things that I have noticed that I have been doing wrong. 

1. Don't know when it is the right time to escalate 
2. Cannot seem to flirt/steer the conversation in any direction
3. Some dates I sit opposite the girl, makes it very hard to escalate
4. Very boring, platonic interview style talk questions - afraid of saying the wrong thing
5. Do not lead enough
6. On some dates at the end I seem to get a huge variety of worthless thoughts in my head that I am not good enough for any woman (especially towards the end, sometimes I will even blow myself out & leave early to reinforce the idea)
7. Women shows clear signs of attraction to me during the majority of the date but still afraid of pushing boundaries (huge fear of rejection I think)
8. Having no idea on how to close back to mine
9. The women seems to be leading the conversation into whatever she is wanting to talk about & I have a blank mind not knowing what to say

I think the main 2 that I am failing on is the not leading the conversation in the right direction, towards fun & flirty topics. Scared of escalation & feel like "all eyes are on me". I put way to much pressure on myself.

I don't even seem to enjoy having a conversation with the women. Whenever she is talking, I am thinking of what to say next when there is a silence. Way to stuck in my head. I have a very hard time letting loose & having fun, it makes even harder since I am not drinking any alcohol.

Edited February 9, 2022 by Illusory Self

[Ulax]

Do you actually want to have sex with her? I.e. do you feel turned on during the date at all

[Illusory Self]

13 hours ago, Ulax said:

Do you actually want to have sex with her? I.e. do you feel turned on during the date at all

Yeah, but i'm afraid of escalation

[Leo Gura]

Make a rule that when you get the urge to escalate but feel afraid she might rebuff you, just escalate anway.

Force yourself to do it as soon as the urge arises and despite any fear. If you feel fear, escalate! Force her to push you back.

And pay close attention to your urges. As a man you must be open and congruent about your desire. If you like her tits or ass, don't hide that. Own it. Wear your sexuality on your sleeve rather than trying to be proper. Accuse her of turning you on: "This is your fault."

If she rebuffs you, just dial it back a bit and retry in 5 mins.

Same mindset applies to leading. As soon as you get the urge to bounce, do it, even if you are afraid she will not comply. Handle non-compliance after it happens, not before.

[Nahm]

Just let it be about having fun and you’re sincere, and thus there is connection, chemistry, etc, and naturally this escalates in & of itself. 

[flowboy]

@Illusory Self  See also

Being stuck in your head fundamentally is a trauma response, in the sense that it is related to an unworthiness belief, which is caused by early childhood or adolescent experiences.

Unworthiness in this case is expressed in that you believe that you have to think a lot, in order to be deserving.

You have to say the right thing.

You have to lead.

You have to be funny.

You have to, you have to, you have to.

Fulfilling all of these "have to"s requires thinking. Thinking puts you in your head. Being in your head blocks you from leading, being funny, saying the right thing and having a naturally flowing conversation.

 

People who are good on dates barely think at all.

Think about that

 

Buried beneath all that thinking, is your gut instinct.

It tells you exactly what to say and do, and you don't have to think in order to listen to it.

The perfect dating behavior is already inside you, man.

But... you are actively blocking it.

[actuallyenlightened]

Too much monkey mind - need more meditation.