fears about going into long term relationship

[Leo Gura]

33 minutes ago, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

it might be you know.. its you who made an entire video teaching about not suppresing sexuality as far as i remember. 

Focus your sexuality on her.

And if you can't do that, then break up with her.

Quote

and why not? i think its healthy to share that even if im not going to do anything about it. its good to be able to speak about myself openly, its just natural i have this cravings.. 

Keep your cravings to yourself. Don't fill her mind with doubt. Once you cross that line it can never be uncrossed and it will forever be a cloud that hangs in her mind.

[Breakingthewall]

friend, Already in the middle of your post it was clear. What happens to you is the most typical, the usual. your mind says yes, but the rest of your being says no. don't bother, seriously. You're just going to get shit, falsehood and pain. Be a man, a guy of integrity, and finish. respect yourself. say goodbye to the golden cage and the gods will thank you by becoming a real man

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

9 hours ago, Something Funny said:

Dude, do you really not realise how much you can possibly hurt her by saying something like that? How do you imagine it going:

- Baby, I really love you, but I kind of want to fuck other girls as well?

Do you think she will be like:

- Oh, baby, thank you for being honest and sharing your feelings with me!

No, lol. She will probably freak out and either break up with you if she has high enough self-esteem, or stay with you and get super sad and insecure, or just start a huge scandal.

How can people be so clueless sometimes...

how about: i have this nagging fear that if we will stay together for long time and i will have all this curiousity about sexuality i havnt actualized it will bother me and make it hard for me to focus on our relationship, do you get that feeling sometimes? dont you fear missing out on more experiences before you commit fully? i find this a very human question, doesnt sound cruel to me. 

 

 

3 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

friend, Already in the middle of your post it was clear. What happens to you is the most typical, the usual. your mind says yes, but the rest of your being says no. don't bother, seriously. You're just going to get shit, falsehood and pain. Be a man, a guy of integrity, and finish. respect yourself. say goodbye to the golden cage and the gods will thank you by becoming a real man

and you my friend, are full of projections and false confidence. 
this relationship makes me happy, i enjoy her company and i love her. 
my cravings are natural....

[integral]

48 minutes ago, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

how about: i have this nagging fear that if we will stay together for long time and i will have all this curiousity about sexuality i havnt actualized it will bother me and make it hard for me to focus on our relationship, do you get that feeling sometimes? dont you fear missing out on more experiences before you commit fully? i find this a very human question, doesnt sound cruel to me. 

I have a friend INTP who has exactly this issue, pushed for open relationship/swinging/3 sums for years with gf, he couldn't leave her because its to good of a match. The gf does not want and does not understand his anxiety for "missing out" and it hurts her every time he brings it up.

Most woman want 100% commitment. All women care about is how you make them feel, nothing else matters. 

It seems you really want to give it a try talking to her about it, dispite everyone advice, youll have to learn this lesson from experience, maybe your right doe, maybe she's different. 

10 hours ago, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

and why not? i think its healthy to share that even if im not going to do anything about it. its good to be able to speak about myself openly, its just natural i have this cravings.. 

If GF asks "do i look good in this dress" right before an outing, is it healthy to say what you really think? It natural! lol

Sharing this with her = healthy, is a bias. 

Sharing with us = productive, ideally.

 

Edited February 11, 2022 by integral

[Breakingthewall]

8 hours ago, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

and you my friend, are full of projections and false confidence. 
this relationship makes me happy, i enjoy her company and i love her. 
my cravings are natural....

Great then. I thought you were in the typical situation: my girlfriend is everything she's supposed to be, but she doesn't fulfill me. Even so, I'm still in the relationship feeling frustrated and dreaming of fucking anyone.

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

2 hours ago, Something Funny said:

I think your problem is that you are being too indecisive. Stop trying to sit on two chairs at the same time. Be honest with yourself and answer what do you want from your life. If you want to go and fulfill your "curiosity about sexuality", then break up with her and do that. If you want to stay in your current relationship then forget about having sex with other people and focus on your girlfriend. There are always opportunity costs to every decision you make in life.

Being like: "I want to fuck other people, but also want to stay with you" is unfair to the person you are in a relationship with and is a sign of weakness. Don't burden her with your doubts and indecisiveness, which are basically caused by you being selfish and wanting to eat the cake and have the cake at the same time.

Imo, it's your role in a relationship as a man to be a pillar of confidence and support for her. Out of you two, you should be the one who is the clearest about what you want for yourself and for your relationship. You should be a leader and she should be able to rely on you.

But that's just my opinion. It's your life so do whatever you want. Just don't be surprised if your life ends up being lame as fuck.

i think you read too many books. you think its all so easy -  yeah, im indecisive - this is what happens when you meet something new in your life..
im not supposed to hide it, and im not able to just sit and decide.. it takes time in real life... if it were so easy i wouldnt need to hear some more perspectives on this subject from you.. 

and guys are also allowed to be insecure and weak in a relationship - you know why? cause its fucking true. life is a mysetery and part of it is also being weak and indecisive and thats fine too. your confusing sexual attraction theory with like.. the entire relationship. 
 

 

19 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Keep your cravings to yourself. Don't fill her mind with doubt. Once you cross that line it can never be uncrossed and it will forever be a cloud that hangs in her mind.

i get what your saying. there was one time when she started sharing her doubts honestly and i became very offended. now i kind of see it "from the other side" of having some nagging fear you dont know what to do about. 
i think i should take my time with this relationship, not share this things and just make up my mind on my own with time.
if ill get bored from this relationship ill stop it and maybe ill just get over that and grow to love her and commit more fully. 
i have plenty of time to have more sexual experience anyways. 
thanks!

 

[lostingenosmaze]

On 2/8/2022 at 10:46 AM, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

 im 24 yo 
what do you guys think? am i going to regret going into a long term relationship while still young and wild? 
is it going to come back and bite me in the ass later? what to do about all this cravings for more expereince in sex when i have a women i love? 
 

Well let's apply the golden rule here. Would you be as comfortable having her in an open relationship as you would in yours? ??

Edited February 11, 2022 by lostingenosmaze
I just realized after reading more that this question's irrelevant/non-issue

[Nahm]

On 2/8/2022 at 1:46 PM, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

so im with this girl
she cute, im attracted to her, our sex is good and will become better i expect cause we both want it to, she has a kind, gentle, loving heart and intelligence
she comes from a good family, far better than mine lol 
her parents are big into spirituality, very loving and caring people
we together 8 months, and both want to keep going

whats the hold up you ask? FOMO
im a young horny dude, i have some experience with girls... "but not enough" - says my dick.
i still want to taste more pussy, see some nice big booty and more types of women.. im afraid this will become a problem as i mature and im afraid im getting deeper into a relationship while i havnt been enough at the "buffet". im still curious you see.. im afraid itll become an obstacle later. like a repressed shadow which will come back and haunt me later.. 

whats more? well, im attracted to her but she is not like exactly my type. other types of girls attract me more then her if im being honest. 
but shes so awsome and cute that i tell my self that i dont want to leave only because of the looks. also - i cant get everything in life - some compromise must be made, and she has such a good charachter that im willing to compromise looks for that - and im attracted to her so no problems in that domain.

she also not big into sprituality but definitly curious and smart so i kind of gently guide her in this domain. 

im 24 yo 
what do you guys think? am i going to regret going into a long term relationship while still young and wild? 
is it going to come back and bite me in the ass later? what to do about all this cravings for more expereince in sex when i have a women i love? 

You’re not in love with her. The potential for regret is wasting both of your time. Finding ‘the one’ is a thing, actual. Much more of an attracting. There is no “should I blah blah” thinking in that regard when the one comes to town. It’s other worldly. ALL of the thinking is ego. ALL of it. There is never enough for the ego which has one by the balls. “It’ll’ even use unconditional love decisively. 

Switch the primary focus to understanding the emotions you are experiencing, vs projecting onto none existence stuff (fomo). There is no lack or shortage… you’re creating. Get yourself ready for what you are wanting, don’t settle or compromise. 

Truth bomb. 

Communion, and then. 

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/dreamboard-1

 

WHAT ABOUT WITH RELATIONSHIPS? I KNOW YOU’RE NOT ABOUT TO TELL ME THAT I CAN MANIFEST THE IDEAL PARTNER HERE.

Yep. Works for that too. Already is. The difference lies in the ‘consciously’, of consciously creating. The universe is being me and you, isn’t it so? It be’s them too. Take a moment to reflect on past relationships. What resonated, what didn’t? What was fun & easy, what was difficult? What did I attract, and why?

The universe is the only teacher. Words can only point to what is ineffably already guiding. One must listen, and ‘go and see’.

 

[Leo Gura]

@NoN-RaTiOnAL Be patient and let your relationship play itself out. Things will become more clear as you sleep with her more over the months. In the meantime contain your cravings or fulfill them with her.

Porn is also good here.

[Peace-and-Love]

On 2/8/2022 at 1:46 PM, NoN-RaTiOnAL said:

whats more? well, im attracted to her but she is not like exactly my type. other types of girls attract me more then her if im being honest. 
but shes so awsome and cute that i tell my self that i dont want to leave only because of the looks. also - i cant get everything in life - some compromise must be made, and she has such a good charachter that im willing to compromise looks for that - and im attracted to her so no problems in that domain.

she also not big into sprituality but definitly curious and smart so i kind of gently guide her in this domain. 


 

@NoN-RaTiOnAL I’m really glad you made this post because it’s allowing me to reflect on my current romantic  relationship. That’s what I love about actualize.org forum. It allows me to reflect and learn from others and improve and find support. And of course helping others and supporting them too! 

I’ve been where you are, Is the really grass greener on the other side? So the relationship is not 100% perfect with the attraction, which is what I’m currently experiencing now in my current relationship, but there is room for growth. 

As a woman- Ive dated a few men in my past with what I thought were my perfect 10s. Everything I wanted- same career choices, life purpose, into personal development, similar hobbies as mine etc. It’s like you’re on cloud 9 when this happens. It’s like you feel somebody finally gets you. But even though they had all the things I wanted, they were lacking in other areas that I couldn’t ignore.

One ex boyfriend treated me like total garbage. He was narcissistic, emotionally unavailable when we needed to communicate even the smallest of issues, and treated his family like crap. So I left him.

The second ex boyfriend, we had the most amazing sex and intimacy that we both had ever experienced. He told me he had bad erectile dysfunction and couldn’t get it up with other women he previously dated. Often people would see us out in public and the connection and chemistry was so strong they assumed we were married. We were studying tantra and I felt like he was literally the other half of my soul. But I had to leave him because he wanted to be poly, and he only wanted commitment if he could sleep with other women. I wasn’t willing to lower my standards or values. So I left. 

 

Why am I telling you this? Because there is probably someone out there that will be better, but it will come at a cost. (And I could be totally wrong.)

Sometimes we take what we have for granted, and we can take what we have and make it stronger. My current bf is not a perfect 10. But I am definitely his perfect 10, and he has told me on multiple occasions. We are not perfect, but I am working on taking what I learned from my past experiences and making it into a 10. This man literally worships the ground I walk on, buys me things when I don’t even ask for them. And makes me the most amazing vegan meals. And is the kindest, caring, friendly and most down to earth person I’ve ever met. We are working on attraction and intimacy and I’m taking what I learned from my exes and making it better, if possible. And you can be doing that too with your current Gf- finding even more ways to improve and enhance the relationship. 

*If I were you I would make a personal list (for your eyes only) of all the things you want in the romantic relationship and see how many you can obtain. Find out which ones are really important to you. Find out which ones you could live without. Be AWARE.  And go after it in your relationship. 
 

In regards to the sex- could it be possible that this desire could be alleviated by trying new and better sexual things in the bedroom? And if it gets better or the best, would you really want to let that go?
 

If I could sexually attain what I had with my ex bf in my current relationship I would never want to leave! 
 

At the very least it you gave it your all. That’s what I’m going to do. And if not I’ll try again!

 

Best of luck to you! 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

On 11.2.2022 at 5:44 PM, Peace-and-Love said:

 

 

Why am I telling you this? Because there is probably someone out there that will be better, but it will come at a cost. (And I could be totally wrong.)

Sometimes we take what we have for granted, and we can take what we have and make it stronger. My current bf is not a perfect 10. But I am definitely his perfect 10, and he has told me on multiple occasions. We are not perfect, but I am working on taking what I learned from my past experiences and making it into a 10. This man literally worships the ground I walk on, buys me things when I don’t even ask for them. And makes me the most amazing vegan meals. And is the kindest, caring, friendly and most down to earth person I’ve ever met. We are working on attraction and intimacy and I’m taking what I learned from my exes and making it better, if possible. And you can be doing that too with your current Gf- finding even more ways to improve and enhance the relationship. 

*If I were you I would make a personal list (for your eyes only) of all the things you want in the romantic relationship and see how many you can obtain. Find out which ones are really important to you. Find out which ones you could live without. Be AWARE.  And go after it in your relationship. 
 

In regards to the sex- could it be possible that this desire could be alleviated by trying new and better sexual things in the bedroom? And if it gets better or the best, would you really want to let that go?
 

If I could sexually attain what I had with my ex bf in my current relationship I would never want to leave! 
 

At the very least it you gave it your all. That’s what I’m going to do. And if not I’ll try again!

 

Best of luck to you! 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thanks for sharing, i agree wholeheartedly.
there are no perfect mates waiting for me to discover - its about understanding whats really important for me in a partner and than compromising on the rest while also doing some work around it. i find it as the most realistic ideal relationship. 

 

 

On 11.2.2022 at 4:21 PM, Nahm said:

You’re not in love with her. The potential for regret is wasting both of your time. Finding ‘the one’ is a thing, actual. Much more of an attracting. There is no “should I blah blah” thinking in that regard when the one comes to town. It’s other worldly. ALL of the thinking is ego. ALL of it. There is never enough for the ego which has one by the balls. “It’ll’ even use unconditional love decisively. 

Switch the primary focus to understanding the emotions you are experiencing, vs projecting onto none existence stuff (fomo). There is no lack or shortage… you’re creating. Get yourself ready for what you are wanting, don’t settle or compromise. 

Truth bomb. 

Communion, and then. 

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/dreamboard-1

 

WHAT ABOUT WITH RELATIONSHIPS? I KNOW YOU’RE NOT ABOUT TO TELL ME THAT I CAN MANIFEST THE IDEAL PARTNER HERE.

Yep. Works for that too. Already is. The difference lies in the ‘consciously’, of consciously creating. The universe is being me and you, isn’t it so? It be’s them too. Take a moment to reflect on past relationships. What resonated, what didn’t? What was fun & easy, what was difficult? What did I attract, and why?

The universe is the only teacher. Words can only point to what is ineffably already guiding. One must listen, and ‘go and see’.

 

not intresetd.