Inspiring A Lost Friend?

[schmitzy]

I'm not sure how to continue a friendship and am looking to reflect and seek advice.

This friendship is relatively new, we met 16 months ago on campus and instantly connected.

Basically, I think that she is looking to be a really good person - she has a natural gift to give. At the moment she's very misaligned with herself and is super negative. She is fighting and building a life and a career that she actually has a talent for - but she has no passion for it right now. Her sole motivations are safety and comfort. She used to be more aligned with her desires and was a very energetic and driven person years before we met - so she is super unhappy with her misalignment but has no energy to turn her life around.

I don't want to be like 50% of the people in her life who tell her she's negative or becoming an alcoholic, but I also don't want to be like the other 50% who just tag along with her because their life is also shit and they can fuel each other's negativity. 

Another problem is distance - she's studying in my town but living quite far away. We're mostly talking over the phone lately. All these helpless, exhausted words out of my little black box don't really motivate me for long conversations. 

The thing is I can't be her savior, can I? But there sure could be a cooler way to interact with her than playing the understanding friend (I'm becoming less and less understanding) or censoring my own negative thoughts about her negativity....  What ways are there to inspire her without draining myself? 

[eskwire]

@schmitzy This is a very relatable problem for me.  Because I spent my twenties being a big disaster, I picked up a lot of stray cat friends who totally didn't have their shit together.  It's ok to outgrow people.  Actually, it's a good sign.

First, why are you censoring yourself with her?  Most people censor themselves out of fear.  What are you afraid of?  That's a good moment for some reflection.  Maybe if you were honest, something good would come of it.  Your friendship might end (sounds like that might be a big relief to you), or maybe she'll have a come to Jesus moment and turn her life around.  If you are censoring yourself, your life is blocked by ego.  That's living out of alignment with nature/the universe/god/whatever you wanna call it.

Second, lame relationships are lame.  There is a saying...the difference between who you are today and who you will be in 5 years is the books you read and the people you surround yourself with.  

This video discusses red flags in romantic relationships, but I have decided to apply them to ALL relationships, including friendships.

 

Edited January 12, 2017 by eskwire

[Phrae]

Why are you becoming less understanding? Were your understanding really enforced in the first place? Because you're exhausted by pretending some bullshit is there that doesn't have to be there? From what you're saying it doesn't sound like you want to stay in the relationship if it stays that way cause it seems to be spiraling downwards at this point.

It's not worth it to not be YOU. I have a feeling she's going to be nasty when you address your relationship. Explain to her how it used to be different. It wasn't about weaknesses, problems or whatever and now it's negative and you don't like that both for you and for her and you would like shit to change. 

Honestly it shouldn't matter how you fuck up telling her about it. She might become nasty or just be quiet the entire time you're talking and be rolling her eyes. If she's truly your friend she should try to understand what you're trying to say instead of arguing about, perhaps, little inaccuracies of what you're saying.

This isn't "censoring negative thoughts" about negativity. They're not negative thoughts if they're about stopping negativity although you might initially think that.

You can give her sometime. If she doesn't respond positively after a while I'd say move on. You're not being a bitch you're looking out for yourself.

[Christian]

@schmitzy

Why do you feel the need to be her savior? Is it because you are a people pleaser and want her approval or because you genuinely authentically want it? Really ponder that. If you are doing it to run away from something it will never make you happy anyway so what is the point? That is delusion.

You do not owe anybody anything; you can surely talk to her about self improvement and help her, BUT realize that you are not responsible for her well being. So if you decide to help her, if she does not change, it is not your fault. And if you continue to be less understanding of her negativity over time  and you guys drift further apart as a result, it is definitely better to just leave. Because you do not want people who are dragging you DOWN to their level and ruin your own potential. You want positive uplifting people in your life who are superstars, self actualizing, learning, growing, contributing, sharing. Those behaviors will then be transferred on to you and that is when you begin to see amazing results and life becomes awesome

[eskwire]

@Christian Amen. ?

[ajasatya]

@schmitzy the best you can do to anybody is to wake up completely

[schmitzy]

14 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@schmitzy the best you can do to anybody is to wake up completely

:-)

[schmitzy]

I met my friend this weekend and mindfully observed us: her, some other friends and myself. This gave me some very valuable insights on myself and shed a lot of light on our relationship. I was blown away by my friend's sincerity, strength, strategic mind and warm-heartedness at her very core. Yes, she does have weaknesses. So do I.

@eskwire @Christian Thank you guys for reminding me it's not worth hanging out with lame people. Valid point.

@Phrae I realized it was not even necessary to address the issue with her. It all depended on my perspective entirely. On that note ... thanks a lot @ajasatya!

[eskwire]

@schmitzy Awww. Awareness! Always comes through. ?

If your friend brings up negative material you don't want to discuss, feel free to have boundaries and just tell her you don't want to discuss that. Friends have done this to me in the past. It's the truth. And if it's between the boundary or growing apart forever, your friend probably prefers the boundary. Godspeed. 

[schmitzy]

@eskwire yeah, yesterday I shut her up on a negative thought process - and she actually went with it and was super relieved and happy! I really think she wants to be positive