Total Silence, 5-MeO-DMT Trip Report

[halfknots]

Thanks to an unexpected change in schedule, my father and I were able to attend an evening of 5-MeO-DMT with our same three beloved facilitators. This took place Saturday, January 29 2022, with the full glory of the sun setting on the pacific.

I would go first this time, and we agreed on a meditative low dose followed by a full breakthrough. I settled on a meditation cushion, and within seconds of  drawing in the vapor, I felt the world fall away. 25mg of dried venom at ~15% 5-MeO-DMT by weight puts this at a 3-4 mg dose, which is on the lighter side. It took me immediately into a state of deep meditative relaxation. There was no psychedelia, no ego obliteration, just stillness and space; a sense of everything being at rest, at peace, and just right.

This experience was deeply nourishing, and it passed with the same fleeting ease which characterized it's arrival. As thoughts and awareness of my surroundings gradually returned, I did a bit of stretching and deep breathing, which was truly delicious. Earlier in the day I had injured my back, which made it hard to breathe, and this was the best I had felt physically all day.

I opened my eyes, and saw that the sun had sunk fully below the horizon, leaving the dreamlike glow of dusk over a now dark sea. Clothed now in delicate music and candle light, the smell of toad venom and incense, the room was pregnant with latent mystical power. Dr. Jeremy approached with a grin, radiating warmth and encouragement. He whispered:

"Hey bud how are you? Great! Still want a full breakthrough dose? Great! One eleven?"

"One eleven?" The meaning didn't quite register.

"One hundred eleven milligrams. That's what came through when I was weighing the dose. How does that sound?" Smiling, a sort of reassuring excitement danced in his eyes.

"Yes, let's do it" Some part of my mind registered that this is a large dose, about twice what I had on my first session back in September.

"Great! It's gonna be beautiful."

I stood up, and we made the final preparations. Aromatic cleansing water was put in my hands, with which I anointed my head, neck, and chest. I was given the pipe to hold close to my heart, and I spent a few moments connecting with my body and breath.

The prayer was held up before me and I began to read, the words echoing off of the simple white page:

“I accept that the joy I have longed for is already in my life. I accept that the love for which I have prayed is already in my life..."

Dr Jeremy administered the dose while Luna and Alicia stood behind me, waiting to become my wings.

My breath felt free and easy. Maybe because it wasn't my first time, maybe because the small dose earlier had soothed my nerves, the whole dose was brought in smooth, arms stretched toward the heavens. It was a huge hit, and the impression was of having just inhaled some kind of thick electric medicinal fluid. It captured the full attention of all of my senses

"Good, now hold!"

Gentle hands on me, and whispers.

How can I possibly describe this.

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Everything I have ever been, felt, thought, done, sensed, or believed exploded. I exploded. The pieces I exploded into exploded. Those pieces exploded. And then those pieces exploded. Wave after explosive wave mounting one on top of the other in constructive collapse, each iteration getting tighter, faster, higher, brighter, louder. The refresh rate of my awareness was climbing at an impossible rate, buzzing and blooming, rolling and ringing.

What the fuck? What the FUCK?!

Jesus... I thought. What little of “my mind” was left stood before a tidal wave. The absolute.

Jesus! The thought rang out again. I’m not especially Christian, this is just what one thinks in such a state of astonishment.

Jeremy! The name of my father. My creator. It is to me the named pattern existence itself.

Jeremy! Jeremy! It is a key, or it is a doorway. Regardless, something opened.

A soft wind blows

Holy fucking shit.

It is done.

This is it.

It’s over.

Here it is.

Right now.

The entire drama of creation lay naked before unbound neutral awareness. Creation is the child of freedom. No distinction between thought, emotion, sensations, memory. Anything. It is all one. There is the sense of massive, unfathomable relief and gratitude. This is it, and it is perfect. Perfect and complete.

Absolutely everything itself seemed to have reached some kind of plot twist at the climax of being. Self awareness chased it's tail through the eye of the storm, through the center of the torus, howling wild with delight all the way. The echo played out, dissipated...

Peace.

That is all.

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I am swaddled in love, the child of freedom. Not yet fully aware of personhood, my faculties returned just enough to allow linear, coherent thought to dance into being.

I whispered to myself,

"Here it is. The jeweled lotus at the heart of creation. It was never born, it will never die. Infinite peace in the eternal moment. Nothing to do, and no one to do it. Perfection."

The feeling of safety, comfort, and coziness, free of a single blemish, lay evenly distributed throughout my entire being.

Just so.

I reached out my hand to my dad laying next to me, seeking his hand in victory and camaraderie, forgetting that he too is immersed in the most potent psychedelic experience known to man.

"He's very deep in the medicine." Luna tells me. I chuckled and hugged myself under the blanket.

All of this must have taken place very quickly, because I can hear my father next to me speaking in tongues. This tends to happen early on, during the come up. How long was I adrift in that sea of raw totality?

Out of the light language comes some English, and I know he knows.

"Okay. Ookaay. Okay. I get it, I get it. Okay. Okaaayyyyy"

"Jesus. Jesus Christ. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!"

I am overwhelmed with joy, and it pours out of me like syrup as I echo the words back under my breath.

He settled down after only a moment, and I enjoyed 10 or 15 minutes simply being. No particular thoughts or feelings, just presence.

At some point Dr. Jeremy came to check on me, and I affirmed that yes it was beautiful, that yes I would like a third dose

Still laying comfortably I inhaled the vapor, noting the now familiar taste and the crackling sound it made when heat was applied.

This brought home the total transcendence of the supposed sacred/mundane duality. I savored the feeling of being alive and wriggled around, delighted at the state of basic awareness which is the true ground of being. I couldn't help but smile as soft tears rolled back over my cheeks. I laughed softly to myself, like a child, or a fool, as ideas appeared, crested, and sank back into the awareness from which they arose.

This came on just as swiftly as it departed, much like the first meditative dose. I settled in, content to rest forever until my father came back around. I heard him stirring and speaking.

"I'm so happy" it said through him.

Not as a statement of experience, but as an expression of its essence.

That happiness is simply what we are once all fear is gone. 

"I'm so happy" we continued, 

"I'm so happy. I’m so happy”

I became aware that he was sobbing.

"This time I'm going to bring it back, but they're never going to believe me. They’re never going to believe me. They’re never going to believe me...”

We turned to face each other, and our love for one another spilled out into the room. We marveled and chatted as one does after this sort of thing.

Dr. Jeremy, sitting on the floor next to us, spoke up:

"That was so beautiful, thank you both."

And turning to me he said:

"It was nice to hear you vocalizing more. Your dad was there last time, but you really brought it tonight."

"What do you mean?" I sat up and looked at him, curious. Surely he couldn't have meant the bit of whispering I did to myself.

I was informed that, immediately after taking the second dose, 111mg, I sat bolt upright and shouted with the full force of my being:

"What the fuck? What the FUCK?! Jesus! JESUS! Jeremy. JEREMY! J E R E M Y!!! Jai. Jaaaiii…"

We got burgers from In-N-Out.

 

Postscript: Every night I return to that place in my dreams. Deep integration and blessed beautiful work are done in sleep, and I am thankful for the grace. Though I cannot say "everyone has to do this" the value of such an experience cannot be overstated. I am interested only in embodying the truth of being, with patience, love, and compassion.

Thank You.

 

Edited February 8, 2022 by halfknots

[Matthew85]

@halfknots You and your father have a real gift for writing. Thank you for sharing this. So beautiful! Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone could have this experience with their parents. 

[halfknots]

@Matthew85 thank you for your kind words.

There is a real sense that this experience is profoundly important. Unmatched. To be able to share this with my family is the deepest blessing I could have imagined (haha)

[SgtPepper]

thanks for sharing  that was a fun read!

[halfknots]

@SgtPepper thanks! It was fun to write.

[Breakingthewall]

2 hours ago, halfknots said:

There is a real sense that this experience is profoundly important.

It is. For me the most important thing is what is left after. You are driving, you look at the landscape and that feeling of absoluteness, miracle, light, unfathomable happiness, without explanation invades you. it seems that the ego is going to fragment every moment and behind the apparent reality there is going to be an explosion, infinity, love, glory. As you said in your report, I'm not saying that everyone should do it, but...

[halfknots]

41 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

It is. For me the most important thing is what is left after. You are driving, you look at the landscape and that feeling of absoluteness, miracle, light, unfathomable happiness, without explanation invades you. it seems that the ego is going to fragment every moment and behind the apparent reality there is going to be an explosion, infinity, love, glory. As you said in your report, I'm not saying that everyone should do it, but...

❤️

[mrPixel]

That was a great read. Thanks for posting.

[Brittle_buddha]

@halfknots