Struggling with a relationship decision

[Valach]

Hey Guys,

I am struggling with making a decision regarding my relationship right now and would appreciate your input if you have similiar experience. I have always struggled socially since highschool. However some time ago I decided to change it and started going out and practicing pickup and socializing in general. The things were quite hindered by COVID and I practiced pickup for like 3-4 months in total. And I improved, a lot actually. I have went from almost virgin with no social skills to someone who is now quite outgoing and charismatic and is considered an extrovert by others.

Last May however, I met a girl, who I found quite attracted to (both physically and emotionally) and decided to give it a go and start a relationship with her, that's been going for 8/9 months now. I would consider the relationship healthy (we are both very honest and open with each other, the communication is great, intimate and social life together as well). I do really think this girl is quite a relationship-material -> she is very stable emotionally, has great relationship with parents, doesn't carry no apperant trauma  around, is very feminine, kind and fun to be aroud. Also is quite sexually libared, without any hang ups, which I love.

The issue with the relationship is definitly coming from my side. Eversince the first wawe of passion and love faded (after ~3 months), I started doubting the relationship for couple of reasons. Firstly I feel like I ended my pickup journey too soon. I think there is a lot of growth waiting for me there still which I am avoiding by being in a relationship. There is also some imbalance between us regarding experiences (we are both 25, i have slept with 8 girls so far and she slept with 20 guys). I do get quite jaded and envious of her experiences and also have experiecne quite strong retroactive jelousy (which I am trying to work on, without sucess so far -> would be super cool if I met someone with same issue here). Also sometimes, but I don't think it's the biggest issue -> I just simple think I could do better looks wise, it's not that my girl is not good looking, but she is also no the best looking girl I have ever seen.

Now I am not sure if these reasons are enough to end the relationship. I kept the relationship going since I was switching jobs, moving to new place so I would have no time for pickup anyway. But now that spring is coming closer, I have a feeling that I might want to be single again. But I feel quite unhappy about the whole situation because 'yes - i wanna do pickup to better myself and gain more experiences' but on other hand I have hard time letting go of a great girl with who I have strong emotional connection a who essentially didn't do a single thing wrong (we havent had an argument regarding something she did, it was always my fuck up so far). So I am afraid we might break up and I might regret it down the road. I sometimes joke that I will break up, live a single life for some time and then end up with a girl like she is anyway.

Have anyone been in similiar situation? Being in a healthy relationship but desiring the single life? What did you do and how did it turn out? What would you recommend to me? Thanks in advance

[flowboy]

On 07/02/2022 at 3:25 PM, Valach said:

we havent had an argument regarding something she did, it was always my fuck up so far

@Valach *Potential* red flag there.

Are you in touch with your boundaries and self esteem enough?

Unhealthy (but common) dynamics in a typical relationship is the woman getting upset for reasons that the man then goes and blames himself for. Giveaway of that is structural lingering guilt and pleasing behavior.

But that's just a guess, I wanted to point to it just in case that is going on, and in case no one else spots it.

 

As far as your main dilemma goes: here's my general take on situations like this:

1. Clear out conditioning and stuff from the past that is coloring your judgment and preventing you from seeing clearly.
   In the case of jealousy and judging her for having slept with 20 guys (for an attractive girl in her twenties that's really very modest), shadow work is the thing to try. I remember having a conversation about that earlier, perhaps you've already done some work on that? In any case, that will help bring clarity. I've also got a video that might help.
2. Take some time for yourself, go on a hike alone, get some peace and nature. A retreat by yourself.
   There, you will communicate with no one until you are clear on:
   1. is this (fucking more women) karma you need to live through, or can you let it go? Also,
   2. What option (relationship or single) supports your purpose and 1,5,10 year vision best?
   3. If you could have anything you want, really, ANYTHING, in the relationships & dating area, what would it be?
3. Part of becoming a man is making a decision and living with the consequences. Trust yourself, even if it gets messy.

Let me know if you need more support or clarification on that.

I've been through such a dilemma myself, and I do empathize.

Edited February 9, 2022 by flowboy

[Valach]

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

@Valach *Potential* red flag there.

Are you in touch with your boundaries and self esteem enough?

Unhealthy (but common) dynamics in a typical relationship is the woman getting upset for reasons that the man then goes and blames himself for. Giveaway of that is structural lingering guilt and pleasing behavior.

But that's just a guess, I wanted to point to it just in case that is going on, and in case no one else spots it.

I see where you are coming from, but in total honesty, the relationship is the other way around where I feel like I am sometimes pushing her boundaries. She is a bit of a people pleaser and will often apologize for things she should not apologize for. And yes, those were truly my fuck ups, such as kissing other girl at party or often times being insecure about her past :/.

Quote

As far as your main dilemma goes: here's my general take on situations like this:

1. Clear out conditioning and stuff from the past that is coloring your judgment and preventing you from seeing clearly.
   In the case of jealousy and judging her for having slept with 20 guys (for an attractive girl in her twenties that's really very modest), shadow work is the thing to try. I remember having a conversation about that earlier, perhaps you've already done some work on that? In any case, that will help bring clarity. I've also got a video that might help.

Spot on. I did do some work, but can't seem to get a handle on the problem. It is indeed very hard position to be making an evaluation of a relationship from. I feel like my mind is so much clouded by my emotions and insecurity that I can not make a honest decision. I definitly want to resolve this before deciding on our future. If I didn't have this issue, I feel like I would already be single again or fully comitted to this girl - or I guess I would just find other irational issue, heh. Will check out the video and give you a feedback :).

Quote

1. Take some time for yourself, go on a hike alone, get some peace and nature. A retreat by yourself.
   There, you will communicate with no one until you are clear on:
   1. is this (fucking more women) karma you need to live through, or can you let it go? Also,
   2. What option (relationship or single) supports your purpose and 1,5,10 year vision best?
   3. If you could have anything you want, really, ANYTHING, in the relationships & dating area, what would it be?

Great point and I agree. I tried to do this in the past but without success. It's kinda hard because I separate myself from her and then start missing her after couple of days and start missing sex too (I am very sexual person) and it clouds my mind again. It almost feel like my feelings gets much stronger if we take couple of days break. Then I break the silence and meet her and after we have sex and I again feel little bit 'meh' about the relationship. Using pickup terms, it feels like my sex drive is push-pulling me in the relationship. I also experience this regarding her looks -> we meet in a bar, she is all dressed up and has great makeup and I am like 'holy shit, this girl is so hot', then we go to her place, have sex, she undresses, takes her make up off and I am again 'meh'. Truly incredible, how our biology fucks with us.

Quote

1. Part of becoming a man is making a decision and living with the consequences. Trust yourself, even if it gets messy.

Yeah, i feel like life is gonna be always messy no matter what path you choose

 

Thanks for the feedback man, hope ur doing well!

 

Edited February 9, 2022 by Valach