I am a slave to my urges and it makes me suicidal

[ThePoint]

On 2/12/2022 at 7:43 AM, A Fellow Lighter said:

hey.. ?

Hello @A Fellow Lighter

On 2/12/2022 at 7:43 AM, A Fellow Lighter said:

Don't you have things that you dream of accomplishing which don't need the gratification of sex or nourishment?

I used to have dreams and goals that used to inspire me. But anhedonia + apathy took that away from me and I no longer care about the things I used to care about and be passionate about.

@at_anchor

Yes, wealth gives you more options.

[IAmReallyImportant]

You will be able to concentrate in the future, even with your urges. I believe in you!

[A Fellow Lighter]

19 hours ago, ThePoint said:

used to have dreams and goals that used to inspire me. But anhedonia + apathy took that away from me and I no longer care about the things I used to care about and be passionate about.

And you believe there's no way around this?

[ThePoint]

6 hours ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

And you believe there's no way around this?

@A Fellow Lighter 

I do believe I’ll find a solution to it.

I refuse to believe that this will be the rest of my life. 

20 hours ago, Tahuti said:

I am on day 23 of Bramacharya. Every night at 10pm phone goes in box, sleep in lions sleeping pose. I jerk off during the day but do not cum since I am wakeful. I PERFORM mula bandha so I have no need to touch my cock. 

So Bramacharya is abstinence from ejaculation right?

How do you jerk off during the day without ejaculating? Is that even satisfying for you?

An internet search shows that Mula Bandha is a type of yoga. Is there any particular exercise or video you follow? 

[A Fellow Lighter]

6 hours ago, ThePoint said:

I do believe I’ll find a solution to it.

I refuse to believe that this will be the rest of my life. 

Good. I also believe that you can overcome this state of depression. Hence I'm willing to be as helpful as I can.

On 07/02/2022 at 8:09 AM, ThePoint said:

I have zero motivation to do anything with my life.

Obviously this is the source of the problem. So we start here.

On 07/02/2022 at 8:09 AM, ThePoint said:

The vision I had for my life... the vision that drove me to work every day to become who I wanted to become... it's gone. I don't care about it anymore. And this makes me feel sorrowful. Why don't I feel motivated by it anymore? Why don't I care about it anymore? HOW DOES ONE SUDDENLY LOSE PASSION FOR SOMETHING THEY WERE ONCE WILLING TO BLEED AND DIE FOR!!??

You outgrew the vision. It's really not that odd of a thing, nor should it be the hardest to believe. Individuals grow, along with their level of awareness and sense of reality. The vision you had about your life belonged to a younger and outgrown version of you, it does not resonate with the current you. 

You need a new vision, one in alignment with your current beliefs and inspiring enough to actually aspire for. However, this vision should not be materialist and egoistic in its essence, it should not be centered around consumerism and getting laid. Not that there is anything wrong with those things by themselves, it's only the simple recognition that they don't fulfill you anymore.

On 07/02/2022 at 8:09 AM, ThePoint said:

How do I stop masturbating for good? How do I stop compulsively eating food for good? 

This shouldn't be your focus in the changing of your life, seeing as you still masturbated even when you had a vision that you were passionate about. Plus, you eating compulsively is just a reaction to the excessive masturbation. 

For now, just focus on finding a good enough reason to live for. 

Edited December 10, 2022 by A Fellow Lighter

[ThePoint]

1 hour ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

Good. I also believe that you can overcome this state of depression. Hence I'm willing to be as helpful as I can.

@A Fellow Lighter Thank you.

1 hour ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

Obviously this is the source of the problem. So we start here.

You outgrew the vision. It's really not that odd of a thing, nor should it be the hardest to believe. Individuals grow, along with their level of awareness and sense of reality. The vision you had about your life belonged to a younger and outgrown version of you, it does not resonate with the current you. 

You need a new vision, one in alignment with your current beliefs and inspiring enough to actually aspire for. However, this vision should not be materialist and egoistic in its essence, it should not be centered around consumerism and getting laid. Not that there is anything wrong with those things by themselves, it's only the simple recognition that they don't fulfill you anymore.

That's the problem. I can't seem to muster up a new vision. I redid the LP course all over again since this issue started. Still couldn't feel any spark. My values list doesn't spark me anymore.

Also, it's not like my vision was old. It's relatively recent, even now (not even 2 years old yet). I suddenly lost complete interest in it when it was around 8 months old, when it previously got me moving and made me feel alive and was what made me love life.

1 hour ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

This shouldn't be your focus in the changing of your life, seeing as you still masturbated even when you had a vision that you were passionate about.

While this is true, the frequency of my masturbation was much less. I averaged around 3-5 times a month. Now I do more than that in a week alone. Now my average is like 30-40 times a month. That's like a 10x increase in frequency compared to when I still had my 'old self' and wasn't neurotic.

1 hour ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

Plus, you eating compulsively is just a reaction to the excessive masturbation. 

I still had some problems with food when I wasn't masturbating as much, but I am open to this being a possibility.

1 hour ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

For now, just focus on finding a good enough reason to live for. 

See, that is one of my main goals at the moment. The only reason I have to live, is hope. Hope that I will get better. Hope that I will get out of this.

But I don't know if hope alone is enough.

I wish there was just one thing that I could still enjoy, that would get me through every day. But I don't have that right now. So I just need to continue researching and implementing things.

May I ask you what is your reason to live?

[A Fellow Lighter]

8 hours ago, ThePoint said:

That's the problem. I can't seem to muster up a new vision. I redid the LP course all over again since this issue started. Still couldn't feel any spark. My values list doesn't spark me anymore.

Also, it's not like my vision was old. It's relatively recent, even now (not even 2 years old yet). I suddenly lost complete interest in it when it was around 8 months old, when it previously got me moving and made me feel alive and was what made me love life

Well there has to be some turn around point that left you feeling indifferent. What happened, seeing that your vision is relatively fresh? 

8 hours ago, ThePoint said:

That's like a 10x increase in frequency compared to when I still had my 'old self' and wasn't neurotic.

I see. But still though, it shouldn't be the focus. Let us rather treat this as a sign than as the main problem.

Your life having no vision is the main problem, being without passion for life. How often you masturbate will indicate your level of passionless living.

8 hours ago, ThePoint said:

still had some problems with food when I wasn't masturbating as much, but I am open to this being a possibility.

Ok cool. The clarification is good. 

I wasn't diagnosing you, by the way, I just took it from your post that this was the reason why you are overeating.

8 hours ago, ThePoint said:

But I don't know if hope alone is enough.

It's gonna need progress, my friend.

8 hours ago, ThePoint said:

So I just need to continue researching and implementing things

Yes. This is good. Make notes, too, as to what would work and what wouldn't, along with the reasons. Try to be creative with this process, even, maybe something approachable will appear. Really immerse yourself in this, buddy.

8 hours ago, ThePoint said:

May I ask you what is your reason to live?

I really wish I could tell you, brother. Unfortunately this isn't something I can communicate. My reason isn't even a reason, so to say, only the recognition of truth: that love is God, and I am hopelessly my father's son.

But even so I guess I should try to tell you. The reason is because I care about life, unconditionally. I just care about all of it, even my part of living it. And there is literally no reason for this caring, but I just find myself caring. It's irrational.

I do, of course, have a vision for my life. I have plans and goals, and passionate about them. I remember how, without having had discovered these passions, how I was pretty much like you. But now I'm doing much better. Leo's content was very helpful.