I am a slave to my urges and it makes me suicidal

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

You could give a try to shambhavi mahamudra Kriya from sadhguru. It slowly pushes up your energies so that compulsions become weaker and less addictive

[ThePoint]

On 11/1/2022 at 0:51 AM, Breakingthewall said:

Have you tried a serious meditation practice? At the beginning it is very difficult, you can't even last 5 minutes. do sets of 5,7,10 minutes, until you manage to be half an hour without problem. When you make sitting still breathing the most satisfying part of the day, quitting addictive behavior becomes easier. you have to do it seriously and every day, even if it's frustrating at first

@Breakingthewall I used to meditate daily before my health problems started. 

Now I have tried so many times to rebuild the habit but I keep falling off.

Before, I used to be able to stick to my meditation practice because I could connect it to my goals and vision of who I want to be.

But with anhedonia + apathy I don't care about my goals and vision at all anymore, so it's much harder to get myself to meditate because I'm doing it without much of an emotionally charged point. Like, "What's the point?"

I've tried to rebuild the habit 4 times over the last 2 years, but I keep falling off after a few weeks. Even with habit trackers and all of the techniques of starting small still don't work for me. 

I used to be able to build momentum, where it gets easier with each day. That doesn't happen for me anymore and it's so frustrating. 

[ThePoint]

On 11/1/2022 at 2:58 AM, Leo Gura said:

You got SIBO?

@Leo Gura Yes Leo I had SIBO. But now I get a completely flat breath test, which is abnormal. I don't know what else to do now. 

On 11/1/2022 at 2:58 AM, Leo Gura said:

Why does it take you 2 hours to jerk off? You can jerk off in 10 mins. It's not a big deal.

It takes me that long because I need stimulation. I switch from one page to another page because something wasn't good enough. I'll come across something and think "No this is not how I like it" and then I switch to something else so that I can finally have a satisfactory ejaculation, which takes time. 

All of that time only for like 3 seconds of pleasure. 

When I try to jerk off in 10 minutes or less it doesn't feel satisfactory. You see how much of a problem this is? I've never been on illegal drugs before but masturbation is probably the closest thing to it, or it's the most "natural" unhealthy drug that exists. I wish I never found about masturbating and I wish I never masturbated for the first time. 

[ThePoint]

@Giulio Bevilacqua

On 11/6/2022 at 6:12 AM, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

You could give a try to shambhavi mahamudra Kriya from sadhguru. It slowly pushes up your energies so that compulsions become weaker and less addictive

Could you give a link? Thanks.

[Heart of Space]

It sounds like you need a form of rehab from society.  A lot of people do.  

Its just a lack of willingness to go through the psychological pain of quitting your habits.  

Pray to God as hard as you can for the courage to shed your habits.  Go talk to the person you love the most, tell them you love them. And then continually make a commitment to be better.  

[ThePoint]

8 hours ago, Heart of Space said:

It sounds like you need a form of rehab from society.  A lot of people do.  

@Heart of Space How do I do that?

8 hours ago, Heart of Space said:

Its just a lack of willingness to go through the psychological pain of quitting your habits.  

That sounds about right.

8 hours ago, Heart of Space said:

Pray to God as hard as you can for the courage to shed your habits.

Does praying to the Universe work?

8 hours ago, Heart of Space said:

Go talk to the person you love the most, tell them you love them.

It doesn't feel like I truly have anyone like that.

[ThePoint]

Feeling hopeless. I’m just getting worse as time passes. 

[Ethan1]

 

@ThePoint I recognize your hopelessness. Sounds like you are coping with a great deal of pain and distress. These have been some pretty tough times for soo many people with all that is going on, you are not alone. 
 

Feel free to answer if you want :

• Do you have a safety plan set for yourself?
• Do you have a support system?
• Have you mentioned this to anyone outside the forum? 
• Are you taking care of yourself?
• What options do you have to cope in your current environment?
• Can you come up with some reasons to live?
• Do you believe you can influence your current state of function?

----

Psychologytoday.com is a great website for finding a therapist.

• You can search for a therapist that specializes in addictions.

National Crysis line #: Call 988 for the suicide hotline.

Another number to call : 1-800-273-TALK

Local Emergency Room will help too if worst comes to worst.

---

Make & Keep on hand your own personal CRP  (Crisis Response Plan) is recommended for suicide prevention. 

Having an CRP index card (laminated) with you all the time - 
Filled with the following hand written information:

1. Personal Warning signs - (Examples : Crying / Intense anger / Repetitive negative thoughts / Pacing )
2. Reasons for living 
3. Social support contact information - Name & numbers
4. Emergency procedures

 

---

Hoping that you can find some kind of help with the list above. If you still need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me in private chat to talk. 

 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Ethan1

[ThePoint]

Thanks for your reply @Ethan1

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

Feel free to answer if you want :

• Do you have a safety plan set for yourself?

As in, a financial safety plan?

No. 

It's what I was working on before my health problems started though.

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

• Do you have a support system?

As in, people to turn to and confide in?

No, not in person. I talk to people online about this area but other than that, I put up a mask in real life.

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

• Have you mentioned this to anyone outside the forum? 

No. 

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

• Are you taking care of yourself?

I don't think I am. I am addicted to masturbating. This is not caring for myself.

And I don't seem to care that I don't care about myself. I want to care but I just can't care. 

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

• What options do you have to cope in your current environment?

I've just been using masturbation and food to cope.

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

• Can you come up with some reasons to live?

The only reason I can find to live right now is the possibility that I solve my health problems and become my self again. If I were to die, then that possibility is automatically gone. 

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

• Do you believe you can influence your current state of function?

Maybe I can. I don't know. I don't feel motivated to influence my current state of function. I don't feel that motivated to improve my life anymore. I want to care about improving my life again but I don't seem to care, or at least not as much as I used to. 

[ThePoint]

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

Psychologytoday.com is a great website for finding a therapist.

• You can search for a therapist that specializes in addictions.

National Crysis line #: Call 988 for the suicide hotline.

Another number to call : 1-800-273-TALK

Local Emergency Room will help too if worst comes to worst.

Thank you. Is this only for the United States? 

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

Make & Keep on hand your own personal CRP  (Crisis Response Plan) is recommended for suicide prevention. 

Having an CRP index card (laminated) with you all the time - 
Filled with the following hand written information:

1. Personal Warning signs - (Examples : Crying / Intense anger / Repetitive negative thoughts / Pacing )

What if I have these almost all the time? 

On 16/11/2022 at 5:21 AM, Ethan1 said:

4. Emergency procedures

What are emergency procedures? Could you give an example? 

[A Fellow Lighter]

@ThePoint hey.. ?

I think you just haven't found something higher to aspire towards, something beyond the physical pleasures. So your passions are still very animal based. 

Masturbating and food are a problem only if they become your whole world. Don't you have things that you dream of accomplishing which don't need the gratification of sex or nourishment?

[at_anchor]

28 minutes ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

Don't you have things that you dream of accomplishing which don't need the gratification of sex or nourishment?

Tell me one person who was undernurished or unhealthy and didn't get sexual gratification enough in this world that became successful in something big worth aspiring to more than sex, power and money?

Edited December 1, 2022 by at_anchor

[A Fellow Lighter]

22 minutes ago, at_anchor said:

Tell me one person who was undernurished or unhealthy and didn't get sexual gratification enough in this world that became successful in something big worth aspiring to more than sex, power and money?

That's not what I'm talking about: undernourishment and health deficiency. 

I'm talking about having goals that are not tied to the rewards of nourishment and sex. For example, I get that the average guy would typically aspire towards the goal of attaining more wealth and popularity because those things come with luxury and attention from women. 

So what I'm asking is for the possibility of wanting something beyond the animal based gratifications? Something that might actually fulfill you, which you could aspire to? Only by having such can one find the will to see past and surpass one's animal urges. 

[at_anchor]

3 minutes ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

So what I'm asking is for the possibility of wanting something beyond the animal based gratifications? Something that might actually fulfill you, which you could aspire to? Only by having such can one find the will to see past and surpass one's animal urges. 

Not everyone can find and have such a thing. Few are not animals in this world.

[A Fellow Lighter]

19 minutes ago, at_anchor said:

Not everyone can find and have such a thing. Few are not animals in this world.

Well I beg to differ. We're all animals in this world with, of course, animal needs. The good news, however, is that that is not all that there is to us, for we are also spirits with spiritual needs - like self-fulfilment. This is simply a matter of inspiration and aspiration, you see? Even looking for inspiration is an aspiration which could lead to an even more individualised aspiration. From here, you can discover that there are, in fact, those passions that can supersede the basic animal passions.

Edited December 1, 2022 by A Fellow Lighter

[at_anchor]

@A Fellow Lighter sex is a spiritual need and so is mones and wealth, but okay, let me hear what you have to say, what is it that we should aspire to, give some examples please. 

[A Fellow Lighter]

10 hours ago, at_anchor said:

@A Fellow Lighter sex is a spiritual need and so is mones and wealth, but okay, let me hear what you have to say, what is it that we should aspire to, give some examples please. 

I already said what have to say. Plus, one is not told what s/he should aspire to because, as I've already said, this is a matter of inspiration - genuine inspiration, meaning you have to be inspired to pursue whatever it is that you want to pursue.

Sex is not a spiritual need. If it were, it would fulfill you, and depression wouldn't subdue you. Same goes with wealth. Consumerism and materialism can never replace the spiritual need to individualise or self-actualise. Finding yourself is more important than anything...

[at_anchor]

16 minutes ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

I already said what have to say. Plus, one is not told what s/he should aspire to because, as I've already said, this is a matter of inspiration - genuine inspiration, meaning you have to be inspired to pursue whatever it is that you want to pursue.

But you haven't said anything. Everyone basically wants money, sex, and maybe they care about culture and tradition a bit too.

18 minutes ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

Sex is not a spiritual need. If it were, it would fulfill you, and depression wouldn't subdue you.

I bet that sex can fulfill me better than meditatation in these circumstances. 

19 minutes ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

Same goes with wealth. Consumerism and materialism can never replace the spiritual need to individualise or self-actualise. Finding yourself is more important than anything...

No one talks about mindless consumerism where you sit on a couch and eat chips all day. Wealth lets you explore, feel safe to pursue anxthing you want out of love or desire to get better and attract someone you like. So nope, you're wrong if I'm not mistaken. Inspiration without wealth will be crushed in you by your family and society. If you want to be inspired, not motivated by someone else, you need independence as well which wealth offers.

[A Fellow Lighter]

11 minutes ago, at_anchor said:

No one talks about mindless consumerism where you sit on a couch and eat chips all day.

Did you read the topic of this thread? Because that's what I'm basically responding to - mindless consumerism and masturbation. 

You seem to be introducing a whole new topic all together, which seems to be the question of whether wealth and sex are a necessity or not. And I've never said that these things are not necessary, I've only said that it is entirely possible for them not to be the endgame of your life.

16 minutes ago, at_anchor said:

bet that sex can fulfill me better than meditatation in these circumstances.

If that were the case then drug abuse would perfectly fulfill you as well. But I'm willing to bet that it can't. 

19 minutes ago, at_anchor said:

But you haven't said anything. Everyone basically wants money, sex, and maybe they care about culture and tradition a bit too.

Yes, and so do I. But that is not all that there is to my world. That's basically what I'm saying, money and sex isn't everything. There are those things that are beyond animal gratification, such as knowing who or what you're really are as well as what you're capable of. That is why actualised.org exists for, isn't it? To help familiarise you with the entire range of your potential? 

[at_anchor]

3 hours ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

And I've never said that these things are not necessary, I've only said that it is entirely possible for them not to be the endgame of your life.

You are right,  they are not the endgame. They are just means to something higher, like meditation. The wealthier you are, the healthier food, water and air you can consume, the better people and love you can have around you, the higher are the chances that you will actually stop mindlessly consuming and start a serious meditative and self-inquiry practice for long hours consistantly over time.

The less wealth, the higher are the chances that you will be stuck in problems that are gonna be preventing your desire to self-actualize and the more frustrated you will feel or even worse, so that in the end you will go down this spiral into nothing good at all.

So you often can't say people are lazy or are chasing only after sex and wealth. In some cases yes, but often they are chasing these things because they bring you closer to actually being able to get on track to save the world from ignorance and poverty or to get in touch with God or Infinity.

So yes, you are right. They are often necessary.

Edited December 2, 2022 by at_anchor