I am a slave to my urges and it makes me suicidal

[ThePoint]

It's masturbation and food. 

I masturbate every night. I eat food that gives me bad symptoms because of my gut issues but I continue to eat anyway because they are what I use to cope. I even excessively consume healthy food to cope. 

I want to stop so badly. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP!??????

It is ruining my life.

I think about it throughout the day. I can't concentrate. I can't focus.

I have no emotions. I feel numb and depressed.

I have zero motivation to do anything with my life. When I was once a very driven person with ambitious goals. My previously ambitious personality is what initially brought me to Leo.

But now I don't feel like that same person I used to be. I feel completely numb. My life feels numb. I don't feel like I am experiencing life. It's like my life is on pause. 

The vision I had for my life... the vision that drove me to work every day to become who I wanted to become... it's gone. I don't care about it anymore. And this makes me feel sorrowful. Why don't I feel motivated by it anymore? Why don't I care about it anymore? HOW DOES ONE SUDDENLY LOSE PASSION FOR SOMETHING THEY WERE ONCE WILLING TO BLEED AND DIE FOR!!??

I don't want to live life like this. I feel like there is a leash around me, enslaving me to succumb to my urges. 

The only option I have is to turn my life around once and for all. I want to stop this yo-yo cycle of being on track for a few days then backsliding.

How do I stop masturbating for good? How do I stop compulsively eating food for good? 

[puporing]

You may be trying to cope with an unresolved pain that you've dissociated from, apart from just biological urges that are not fulfilled. Sounds like you could use more socialization as well as figuring out the source(s) of your depression. Was there a point in time you could recall that you would say first triggered your depression? I would look into that if it's not already clear to you what's causing it. It's also possible you're going through a nihilistic phase, hard to tell without knowing much about you.

Don't shame yourself for having those urges, accept it for now, and just see if you could find other ways to meet them that are a little bit more balanced than it currently is. 

Edited February 7, 2022 by puporing

[ThePoint]

13 minutes ago, puporing said:

Was there a point in time you could recall that you would say first triggered your depression?

@puporing I think it has something to do with my gut health problems that suddenly got really bad one day. 
 

16 minutes ago, puporing said:

Don't shame yourself for having those urges, accept it for now, and just see if you could find other ways to meet them that are a little bit more balanced than it currently is.

That's the thing. Masturbation is a drug. Nothing productive or 'healthier' compares to how much dopamine it produces. My dopamine receptors are desensitised. That's why I really need to fix this. 

[puporing]

32 minutes ago, ThePoint said:

@puporing I think it has something to do with my gut health problems that suddenly got really bad one day. 

Chronic health conditions will contribute to depression. I would look into finding solutions for this first, it also puts you in the driver's seat. Is it something doctors can't help you with right away so it feels kind of hopeless to you? I def had a very low point of my life while having chronic health problems with seemingly no solutions to. I sought out alternative medicine, whatever online info I could find. (side note if you're interested I recommend Gabor Mate's book on "When the body says no").

I understand, I think it's usually worse when you're also going through depression (at least in my experience), coz you're just wanting relief from the low moods like a drug. Um, I know I hated this advice when the docs gave them to me, but exercising did help a bit, so did working on something bit by bit (for me was playing an instrument). And then it was finding the right therapist because I had long-standing unresolved pain (had depression on and off for about 10 years), then I would say socializing more helped a bit too (does have ups and downs). Slowly if you try to do small steps it'll restore a sense of hopefulness again. 

Edited February 7, 2022 by puporing

[ThePoint]

7 minutes ago, puporing said:

Is it something doctors can't help you with right away so it feels kind of hopeless to you?

@puporing Yes, precisely

7 minutes ago, puporing said:

I know I hated this advice when the docs gave them to me, but exercising did help a bit, so did working on something bit by bit (for me was playing an instrument). And then it was finding the right therapist because I had long-standing unresolved pain (had depression on and off for about 10 years), then I would say socializing more helped a bit too (does have ups and downs). Slowly if you try to do small steps it'll restore a sense of hopefulness again. 

I go for walks outside and go to the gym on and off. I just always feel tired all the time. I miss having the energy to go consistently. Exercising used to be something I looked forward to. I am not consistent with it now because I'm always tired but I still try. 

How did you find the right thereapist? 

I can't find anyone to socialize with. I'm in such a negative environment and everyone around me are like crabs in a bucket trying to drag me down. I would rather be alone than be with negative people. 

[puporing]

I'm sorry to hear that. Leo went through something similar. Maybe you could try making a post here and people will respond see if that gives you some ideas about the gut issue. There're many varieties but I generally like to link it back to your emotional health (they're tied closely), on top of things like diet. Almost all my health problems were also contributed by stress and chronic depression/anxiety, though I don't know about yours.

30 minutes ago, ThePoint said:

I just always feel tired all the time.

Yes that makes it extra challenging, it's like another unexplainable health condition. That can be so many things and tied to low moods as well. With unexplainable health conditions, you could try a process of elimination, by first correcting what you can/in your power to. Eg, I found supplementing helped, tracking my food/nutrient intake with an app and seeing what you are missing (Cronometer), if you feel unmotivated smoothies are easy to make semi consistently while getting some vital nutrients in. More recently I started heavy metal detox.

30 minutes ago, ThePoint said:

How did you find the right thereapist?

This took many tries.. mainly just reading someone's profile and getting a sense first. But even the ones who weren't a good fit helped a little along the way. The right therapist for me was someone who was completely on my side when it came to my upbringing (or about 90% of the time). Overall though much of the work was done on my own. I followed people like Daniel Mackler who had very similar upbringing as me. Finding people who advocate on your behalf (whether it's virtual or a therapist) will help you heal. Being brutally honest about what went wrong in my environment.. and slowly taking my power back over the situation I was in.

30 minutes ago, ThePoint said:

I'm in such a negative environment and everyone around me are like crabs in a bucket trying to drag me down.

That makes sense, sounds like that's also contributing. I'm sorry this all puts you into such a rut and hard to get out of. It sounds like the next logical step is to remove yourself from such a negative environment over time. Maybe this could give you something to look forward to as well.

Edited February 7, 2022 by puporing

[Cathal]

@ThePoint your lack of emotional intelligence as in the understanding of the cause of why you are feeling numb is how you stop it for good. there's no other way, there's nothing else you can do to escape the numbness because it's just a consequence of emotions you're experiencing that you are not feeling, so it's about going inwards and understanding your life and the pain you've experienced, understanding what are your emotional needs (having friends, relationships) and how can you fulfill them and so on.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_dawQLA-mA
 

https://www.shinzen.org/positive-behavior-change/

 

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_urges.pdf

 

[happyhappy]

21 hours ago, ThePoint said:

It's masturbation and food. 


How do I stop masturbating for good? How do I stop compulsively eating food for good? 

you have likely formed these habits gradually and they will better be removed gradually. try reading maxwell maltz's psycho cybernetics. he has a lot a spot on advice to resolve addiction issues.

as a guy who jerk off several times a day for yrs,  i could say there definitely are some downsides to it. an abrupt stopping of masturbation will be like pushing a filled balloon under water with force. i will relapse IME. the body will desire that wonderful dose of dopamine . give up porn first. 

that is why you cannot focus. u seem to be suppressing ur thoughts by force and it relapses. even if u  decide to never jack off again, it returns to normal a few days later. a gradual process will be best in my humble opinion. 

[Alex_R]

 

 

I was having the same problem with porn addiction and this was very helpful, it took me a year to really understanding the issue.

 

 

What you need to do is grind a process in order to beat the addiction, 

 

1 - Set no fap streak goals, try to hit 1 week without porn, then 1 month then 2 month till you reach 3+ months

2- Pay attention to your triggers and try to find the root cause of the issue,

3- Overall the main solution is to Raise the level of your Consciousness, you may think this is bullshit but Consciousness is like a muscle that it can be trained.

 

 

You need to face the fact that it is impossible to live without constant dopamine hits, you need to burn the desire to do it and of course it will be very painful at first but just DO IT, if you need to cry then cry but face that couple of weeks of pain and dont avoid it, its not gonna last forever.

[Nahm]

On 2/7/2022 at 1:09 AM, ThePoint said:

I want to stop so badly. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP!??????

“I am a slave to my urges and it makes me suicidal”

It’s the beliefs about yourself which feel so terrible. 

If the thought(s) were true, they’d feel aligned with the love that you are. ?

 

Call and receive help now, don’t put it off. 

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international-suicide-hotlines.html

 

Focusing on thoughts about wanting to stop focusing on discordant thoughts is kind of madness. 

But there is meditation & expression. 

[mandyjw]

Sit down and write out what you DO want to be doing, what you do want to be eating. We are like a GPS, useless unless we know where we are going. Imagine shouting at your voice command GPS, I don't want to go there, I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO DALLAS. Gps: "Dallas, programing... turn left in a half mile." 

What you DO want is key. 

[Nahm]

19 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Sit down and write out what you DO want to be doing, what you do want to be eating. We are like a GPS, useless unless we know where we are going. Imagine shouting at your voice command GPS, I don't want to go there, I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO DALLAS. Gps: "Dallas, programing... turn left in a half mile." 

What you DO want is key. 

@ThePoint So This ⬆️! 

?

Allow love to arise, by letting go of beliefs / focusing so exclusively on discordant thoughts. 

There’s perception and feeling as Well!

Grounding.

Breath Awareness.

So to speak - we’re all in the same boat.

And that is what we do. We don’t keep focusing on discordant thoughts. We ground in the breath.  

Anyone who continued to focus on what doesn’t feel good to them… would feel exactly the same discord. 

Spend a few days just letting go & breathing & grounding. Relaxation. Deep relaxation. 

You’ll feel great from letting go of what didn’t resonate. 

Then make a Dreamboard. 

If there is any emotion less than contentment… there is something (discordant thoughts) to let go of. 

 

[Javfly33]

On 19/2/2022 at 0:48 PM, Nahm said:

It’s the beliefs about yourself which feel so terrible. 

If the thought(s) were true, they’d feel aligned with the love that you are. ?

 

@Nahm Can´t the thoughts be true and still feel freaking bad ?

Like "holy shit that really hurt, but maybe its just true and I have to accept it".

 

Edited February 26, 2022 by Javfly33

[Spence94]

On 19/02/2022 at 9:03 PM, Nahm said:

@ThePoint So This ⬆️! 

?

Allow love to arise, by letting go of beliefs / focusing so exclusively on discordant thoughts. 

There’s perception and feeling as Well!

Grounding.

Breath Awareness.

So to speak - we’re all in the same boat.

And that is what we do. We don’t keep focusing on discordant thoughts. We ground in the breath.  

Anyone who continued to focus on what doesn’t feel good to them… would feel exactly the same discord. 

Spend a few days just letting go & breathing & grounding. Relaxation. Deep relaxation. 

You’ll feel great from letting go of what didn’t resonate. 

Then make a Dreamboard. 

If there is any emotion less than contentment… there is something (discordant thoughts) to let go of. 

 

@NahmThank you.

Edited March 1, 2022 by Spence94

[John Paul]

step one: stop watching any youtube or reading a forum etc that is telling you any behavior you are doing is inherently "bad"

step two: stop telling yourself that any behavior you're doing is inherently "bad" and see what it does for you

step three: same for steps one and two except for any emotion that you feel and to any degree you might feel them

step four: cut out the people in your life that are doing this to you or set a firm boundary with them to not give you unsolicited advice, walk away

 

[ThePoint]

3 fucking months later and I'm still struggling with this. I'm even worse off than I was before. I masturbate twice a day now. TWICE. A. FUCKING. DAY. 
It takes up 2 HOURS of my day!!!!

2 fucking hours PLUS draining my zest for life. This single addiction is ruining my life. I can't move anywhere in my life if I'm a slave to this. Imagine if I put those 2 hours in building skills, or doing consciousness work, or anything else that actually improves my life rather than make it miserable. 

Please, there has to be someone who has been in my current position before and has overcome it. This is such a big problem for me that I'm willing to pay to resolve this addiction. 

[ThePoint]

The year is almost over and I’m still pretty much in the same situation from when I made this post. I’ve made basically no progress… 

This is just crazy. I need to stop once and for all… but how many times have I said that? ☹️

[Breakingthewall]

Have you tried a serious meditation practice? At the beginning it is very difficult, you can't even last 5 minutes. do sets of 5,7,10 minutes, until you manage to be half an hour without problem. When you make sitting still breathing the most satisfying part of the day, quitting addictive behavior becomes easier. you have to do it seriously and every day, even if it's frustrating at first

[Leo Gura]

@ThePoint You got SIBO?

Why does it take you 2 hours to jerk off? You can jerk off in 10 mins. It's not a big deal.

Also, why don't you allow yourself to enjoy sex?

Edited October 31, 2022 by Leo Gura