Fell off the spiritual path, experienced moment of awakening.

[cupofwater]

Meditation is now a foreign practice to me. I haven't done any meditating, chanting, or self inquiry, breathwork for well over a year now. I used to enjoy listening to mantras, binaural beats, guided meditations, but I have been reluctant to do any of this. The scary thing is, I can feel the difference in a weird way. I feel distant, like I am not as in tuned with myself. It feels like autopilot now. 

Oddly, during this time of 'non-practice', there was one night that I experienced what I think is a 'glimpse of awakening'. I was getting ready for bed, then as I stood in the middle of my room I suddenly felt like I did not recognize anything in front of me, but felt a strange 'closeness' to myself. I was staring at my desk, my wall, my computer, my calendar, but I did not recognize any of it nor could I define any of it. There were no thoughts or words, but I felt so much familiarity in myself. This only lasted for about 9-12 seconds. It was very strange, and it happened out of nowhere.

I want to start meditating and chanting again, but my instinct is to stop doing it as soon as I begin to. It doesn't feel right...but it doesn't feel wrong either.

Maybe its the physical exercise that I have been increasing. I have lost nearly 18lbs over the past few months. That's something to be proud of I guess.

I'm hungry. Time to eat.

Edited February 5, 2022 by cupofwater

[cupofwater]

Thinking about friends that I have lost over the years. Blaming myself as always, but I remind myself that they never looked for me either. Still, blaming myself feels right. Accurate. Instinctual. 

It's too late to reach out. No need to hold on anymore. Now move on.