The Problem With Acceptance

[JJR]

After watching the latest video on controlling anger, I had to ask this question that's been in my mind for a while.

The question is about acceptance vs. taking action.

I understand that anger can be controlled by seeing things holistically and trying to understand why things are the way they are, but I don't see how acceptance is always the best option.

For example, Leo suggests at the end of the video that if your partner cheats on you, you should try to understand why this happened and to dig deep until you reach acceptance. In this case, even if you chose to accept, the decision to also leave that partner might be an easy one.

But what happens when you're faced with a situation where you must choose between action and acceptance? If you want to live an actualized life, you have to know when it's time to take responsibility and improve your situation.

If your partner acts selfishly or breaks your trust, for example, there must be a tipping point where acceptance and understanding prevent you from experiencing a better relationship with more joy and happiness.

How do you know when to accept things as they are and when it's time for a change?

[Leo Gura]

@JJR Acceptance is the most effective position from which to make a conscious change.

The problem is that people mistake acceptance and understanding with inaction or putting up with crap. Just the opposite. Acceptance involves accepting that you might have a tough action to make, like leaving the person who you loved but who cheated on you.

So real acceptance looks like this:

1. You accept that someone cheated on you. You understand why it happened to the point where you stop blaming them. You consciously let go of the anger.
2. You accept responsibility for the situation.
3. You query your highest self of what the best course of action is going forward.
4. You decide to break off the relationship.
5. You break it off and move on with constructing the kind of life you want.
6. You grow your consciousness as a result of this whole situation.

You ALWAYS accept things as they are, because they cannot be otherwise. That's the definition of truth. But then you are free to act however you deem most conscious.

[Arman]

You're confused in thinking that acceptance = resignation. At least this is what you're making it sound like to me. You can accept something and then take action upon it.

So it's as if you're implying that if your girlfriend cheats on you, acceptance would mean being OK with it and then staying with her. What happens after you accept it is up to you. You may accept the situation, then dump her. Acceptance is just looking at the situation without reserve, without judgment and allowing it to be as it is without the need to distort, reason, justify, etc, and not denying responsibility. 

Or can also choose not to accept something, then take action anyway. This leads to being less effective because unless you have accepted something, then you are in resistant to it, so you can't see it clearly or act without further attachment to emotions. 

In actuality, when we can't accept something, then we are usually locked when it comes to options and actions to take, or none of the options seem particularly desirable. When you fully accept a situation, then the right action to take usually becomes clear and obvious and presents itself as an opportunity for growth. 

 

Edited January 12, 2017 by Arman

[JJR]

@Leo Gura @Arman Thanks for the great responses.

I think the challenge is in step 3, querying your highest self to figure out when the best move is to accept versus accept and change your situation.

For problems less serious than cheating, you may have to accept you partners faults without the option to change anything, but it can be difficult to know if that's the best way to move forward.

The question becomes: "Does this bother me because I'm not understanding, or do I really need to change my situation?"

[Leo Gura]

@JJR Right, which is why knowing your own values really well is important. And developing a connection with your intuition is important. And setting clear boundaries is important.

This is basically the difference between living each day consciously vs mechanically. The mechanical approach used by 99% of folks to leads backfiring and then much suffering. Life is too complex to live it mechanically. Which is why you're a human and not a robot. People lose touch with their humanity and become robots. And that's when shit hits the fan. And then they wonder, "Am I just supposed to accept all this shit?"

[poimandres]

5 hours ago, JJR said:

@Leo Gura @Arman Thanks for the great responses.

I think the challenge is in step 3, querying your highest self to figure out when the best move is to accept versus accept and change your situation.

For problems less serious than cheating, you may have to accept you partners faults without the option to change anything, but it can be difficult to know if that's the best way to move forward.

The question becomes: "Does this bother me because I'm not understanding, or do I really need to change my situation?"

I think also, you (in general) have to ask yourself are you in control of this situation? As in the example described above, at first you aren't in control, someone cheated on you and then @Leo Gura said to accept the situation, take responsibility. The third step is the inflection point of regaining control (assuming you get past 1 and 2) transition from acceptance to action.

[JJR]

@Leo Gura Great answer.

Living consciously is tough when you're still developing your level of consciousness. When I listen to my intuition, I get the feeling that it's being influenced by my sub-conscious beliefs and past experiences. This makes it seem like living mechanically is more effective, since higher consciousness beliefs have not yet been internalized to the point where trusting intuition would be the best move.

But even if trusting intuition will take more work, knowing your values and setting clear boundaries based on those values is something that can be put to action right away for anyone who's having similar issues with acceptance.

Thanks Leo!

[Leo Gura]

@JJR Intuition actually is beyond beliefs and past experiences. Beliefs and past experiences can cloud the intuition. Intuition is that really deep voice inside you which innately speaks from love, consciousness, and goodness.

It is possible to just sit down and tap into intuition, cutting through all the beliefs and past experiences. From this deep source, you can get very high-quality guidance. It might be hard for you to do that if you have a lot of beliefs and past negative experiences.