How to deal with a violent mother?

[Preety_India]

Whatever money I had saved up I invested in my current house that i share with my mother. Back then when I bought the house, I had no idea things were going to get this worse, however my relationship with my mother has always been more or less tumultuous. 

Today I had ordered some water cans because I was feeling very dehydrated. She didn't like it and for no apparent reason she started an argument with me and began using cuss words. 

Then when she was on a call, I felt like she was talking to my aunt, so I went to her room and (this was hours after the argument) and asked who she was talking to, and her reply was "don't come to my room, expletive." I left and as I was walking towards the kitchen she came out of her room angrily and I turned around and she grabbed my arm and twisted it and kept punching my arm repeatedly until I screamed very loudly. When she saw that I won't stop screaming and she knew that it was possible for neighbors to come over she immediately stopped (out of fear that neighbors will notice, this happened plenty of times before where neighbors warned her that if she doesn't stop she will be evicted, so she has the fear of eviction, without that fear she would have beaten me blue), she stopped and went back to her room. 

The attack happened just 10 minutes ago and I feel scared. 

Moving out is not the option because I don't have the money. 

If you are living with a violent person or family member and if you don't have the option to move out, how do you handle the situation? 

What can I do to keep myself safe and not get hurt? 

Also how can I prepare myself during an attack? Like what can I do to help myself when she attacks me? 

 

[Nahm]

What about filing a police report, and taking a self defense class? 

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, Nahm said:

What about filing a police report, and taking a self defense class? 

I have talked to the police before. But they could not believe that a woman could be violent. 

Back in July last year my arm was swollen and bleeding and when I showed it to the police, they said it could have been self inflicted. Also they said - "she is too old to attack you." and they refused to file a complaint. 

Self defense class in what sense? 

The last time(last year) she attacked me she did with a bat. I had absolutely no chance to respond because it was so quick and my body could not have been strong enough to fight off the attack. 

I mean how can someone defend oneself against a weapon? 

 

[PurpleTree]

how about renting your part of the house to someone else

and renting something small for you

 

[Nahm]

@Preety_India

Google self defense classes in your area, see what comes up. If there are none available, take one online. How to defend yourself against someone with a weapon will be covered in the class. 

Use your phone or another device and film the violence, to show to the police. 

[Preety_India]

27 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

how about renting your part of the house to someone else

and renting something small for you

 

It's not like part of the house. It's just a joint investment. So every part belongs to both of us. 

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Preety_India

 

Use your phone or another device and film the violence, to show to the police. 

My neighbors gave the same advice. 

But this is very hard to do. When she attacked me today, I had no way to know that she was going to do that. It was so sudden. There was absolutely no time to film it and I'm always in the process of protecting myself and screaming and running away, there is simply no time to film. It always happens unexpectedly. 

 

[Nahm]

@Preety_India

If your always in the process of protecting yourself, there’s a lot of opportunity to capture this on film. 

Also, expressing the specific emotions experienced after the fact, over time, makes it impossible to do the same behaviors. That of course requires willingness, which may or may not be there. 

 

This is meant as a potential insight for you, to perhaps see more, and is not necessarily meant for you to attempt to convey this to her… 

Clearly she is expressing anger & rage, but, is there even albeit in hindsight, any expression of the discouragement she feels, is there a true allowance of the expression of blame, the admittance of worry, the truth this cycle results in little more than disappointment ‘with her self’ & her circumstances, perpetuating overwhelment all around, etc? 

Understandably frustrating, immensely irritating, and at this point, surely void of patience. 

How can she truly experience as the love & joy she is, if she refuses to express, and thus refuses to feel, and therein refutes all possibilities of contentment, of peace, of the truth? 

In such a magnitude of non-expression, and therein of non-letting go, and therein of so sternly & strictly identifying - how can there be contentment? 

And so it is for you as well. 

But it need not be this way.

I’d act swiftly. One occurrence would be more than enough for me. These things tend not to work themselves out in the absence of honesty in expression. What will it take for her? I do not know, but from what you’ve shared, I would not be invested to any degree of waiting to see. 

[Gregory1]

Who is stronger, you or her?

[Ananta]

@Preety_India

Sorry you are in this situation. 

For us women our legs are more powerful then our arms. Look up defense moves, especially those you can do with your legs to keep her away from you. You can even kick women in the groin. I'm sure it'll hurt pretty bad! You can kick forward, sideways and backwards, then run!

[Cathal]

sorry to hear you have to deal with that, fuck i understand it pretty well - all i would say is it's important to show your mother she can't just take her shit out on you. that's up to you to figure out maybe you must learn to use violence if necessary

there will be a day you'll get out of it and it's best to just do what you have and leave it there

don't let her behaviour cause you to do the same and don't let her step on you. 

Edited February 1, 2022 by catcat69123

[puporing]

Very tricky, you should talk to a distress line/family violence/social worker person to come up with an 'escape' plan whenever a similar situation arises. Like, this is supposed to be treated the same way as a domestic violence case. Generally the advice is to have a few backup places to go when the person is acting out, eg, a friend's place, other relatives, temporary shelter... You can take legal action to have a restraining/no contact order. This may also force the issue of your 'joint investment' which may have to be redistributed. I'm not sure again where you live what the laws are around this you could seek legal counsel. I know it gets 'complicated' that it's your mother... but you deserve to live in a safe space. 

Edited February 2, 2022 by puporing

[Medhansh]

Have you considered installing a CCTV system in your house?

[Preety_India]

16 minutes ago, Medhansh said:

Have you considered installing a CCTV system in your house?

I don't think I can afford something like that and the funny part is she will never allow it. 

If I tried to record her with the phone she will throw the phone out of my hand

 

 

[Preety_India]

7 hours ago, Gregory1 said:

Who is stronger, you or her?

She is way stronger. When she holds me down, I can't get her off me. 

Nobody believes me because they think she is an old woman. 

[Preety_India]

@catcat69123 would it be okay if I carry a pepper spray. 

 

[Medhansh]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I don't think I can afford something like that and the funny part is she will never allow it. 

If I tried to record her with the phone she will throw the phone out of my hand

 

 

Yeah, they do come in pretty expensive. Even if you install them, it will take your mother only a couple of minutes to damage them.

Can you carry a pepper spray/ taser with you all the time? That will be helpful for the short-term.

Another thing you can do: you can ask an adult (preferably male) family member to come live with you two, a person who you can trust. 

Another solution could be to hire a servant/cook who lives between you two all the time. Your mother most likely won't attack you with an outsider being present. But you will have to be sure that the servant is trustworthy, and that will cost you a lot as well.

Since your mother is bipolar, it's almost impossible to reason with her through logic. During her attacks, she runs on raw extreme emotions with no intellectual interference whatsoever.

So talking and reasoning (which I am pretty sure you have already done a lot of) isn't going to work.

All this said, the only viable permanent solution I can think of is to either mover out(her or yourself), or legal action against her. 

Moving out is the best, since the legal system is extremely entangling and shitty in India.

Edited February 2, 2022 by Medhansh

[Preety_India]

28 minutes ago, Medhansh said:

Yeah, they do come in pretty expensive. Even if you install them, it will take your mother only a couple of minutes to damage them.

Can you carry a pepper spray/ taser with you all the time? That will be helpful for the short-term.

Another thing you can do: you can ask an adult (preferably male) family member to come live with you two, a person who you can trust. 

Another solution could be to hire a servant/cook who lives between you two all the time. Your mother most likely won't attack you with an outsider being present. But you will have to be sure that the servant is trustworthy, and that will cost you a lot as well.

Since your mother is bipolar, it's almost impossible to reason with her through logic. During her attacks, she runs on raw extreme emotions with no intellectual interference whatsoever.

So talking and reasoning (which I am pretty sure you have already done a lot of) isn't going to work.

All this said, the only viable permanent solution I can think of is to either mover out(her or yourself), or legal action against her. 

Moving out is the best, since the legal system is extremely entangling and shitty in India.

Thank you. Those are really good suggestions. 

Yes she is bipolar she runs on extreme weird emotions like a manic episode and there is no way to reason with her, she has often told me that she will kill me during her anger outbursts and she justifies her behaviors whenever she is experiencing these manic emotions. 

I'm planning some escape strategies like staying away from home as much as possible, making some friends and bringing them home so she will be less likely to attack me in front of them. 

Also right now there is a curfew around my building because of Omicron so nobody is allowed to walk. 

Once that is lifted I'll talk to some of the neighborhood aunties that she is friends with and I will let them know about the situation so they can come home and sit with me and her and have a joint discussion over the problem and maybe they can tell her that it is not okay to be violent. If she is in a calm mood she tends to be a little more understanding. 

If she listens to their advice good for me, I can also go to their house whenever she acts violent and let them know what she did. 

If she continues the same behavior despite everyone suggesting her to stop, then I will go to the police again and keep waiting till police take action. 

I'm just afraid that her behavior might get worse if the police arrest her. 

Because at the most the police will keep her in custody for 1 day. But such people are difficult to deal with. It's like provoking a tiger. Once the tiger is provoked, you can't tell what is going to happen. So if the police comes and leaves, then she can become more  dangerous and emotionally unstable. She might actually kill me for calling the police. Her emotions are very out of control and she actually believes those emotions without any logic or reasoning. 

 

 

Edited February 2, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

31 minutes ago, Medhansh said:

Can you carry a pepper spray/ taser with you all the time? That will be helpful for the short-term.

Once I threw a bucket of water at her face  when she was attacking me. 

But it didn't stop her from attacking. 

What she needs is a very strong person like a male. Who will take the bat out of her hand and beat her up with it to let her know who is stronger. 

She never attempts to attack a person who is physically stronger because she knows she will get beating in return. She attacks me because she knows that I can't attack her back or I'm not strong enough to give her a beating. 

She would have never dared to attack if she had a son who is physically strong. She cowers back in fear like a rat in front of strong people. 

One day a man slapped her in public because she was continuously barking at him but she did not attack him in return. She silently tolerated it.

Yet she quickly comes to attack me any opportunity she gets. She has a bully mentality. 

She used to attack my father because he was physically weak due to his illness and he was unable to walk. And she used to constantly attack him. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Whitesnow she is/was that way her whole life. 

After diagnosing her, the psychiatrist told me that she acts that way because she suffers paranoid delusions and she is developing mania and she is bipolar. 

Part of her behavior is her nature and character 

Part of it is her bipolar making her act that way.