Please help me understand self love

[DManKee]

So I've been really torn apart by this subject for a long time. Everywhere I look people keep saying that self love is key. To learn to talk to oneself with loving kindness in all situations. Even if you're wrong or wronged another one must learn to forgive oneself and learn from your mistakes.

Yet every time when I try to practice loving kindness ( in moments of deep distress) I know that i'm in pain because I hurt someone and maybe they hurt me back. I understand that forgiving oneself for one's mistakes and learning from them is key to healing yet how do I deal with having hurt someone? The pain and guilt is still there. 

In this particular case I'm no longer in contact with the person and know that contacting them in order ask for forgiveness would not help either of us. 

Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How did you resolve this?

Thank you! ♥️

[Cathal]

forgiving yourself is more of an understanding that goes beyond the dualistic perception of a story in your head about you and other people that you or them were done something right or wrong to a seperate you and is the recognition of just sin/error, just mistakes.

loving kindness isn't enough because you are coming from a place of wanting to get rid of negative emotions that's why you keep coming back to them.

this guilt and pain sticks because you still in somehow believe there was something inherently wrong, bad, evil about what happened, what you have done or what another has done.

you must see your innocence until you can truly let go, that's all i have to say because i broke my head over trying to forgive and realizing your innocence is a lot of work - that you nor anyone has done anything wrong, ever. true compassion has to be seen within yourself

[Nahm]

7 hours ago, DManKee said:

In this particular case I'm no longer in contact with the person and know that contacting them in order ask for forgiveness would not help either of us. 

How do you know? What about apologizing? 

[Yarco]

Unless you really, really hurt someone, like traumatized them, I can't think of many situations where apologizing would cause more damage vs helping with closure and healing. It's worth a shot.

If your intuition is really telling you not to contact them, and it's not just normal apprehension/anxiety, then all you can do is forgive yourself. Realize that you were a flawed human being, everyone makes mistakes, and you've grown a lot since then. Whatever reason you hurt them, it probably came from a place of lacking on your part and you felt like it was the only way at the time to fill the void at the time.

Visualize yourself as a young child and empathize with yourself. You're doing the best you can and you didn't know any better at the time. Would you forgive someone who hurt you? If so, why can't you extend that forgiveness and sympathy to yourself?

[Gianna]

9 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

forgiving yourself is more of an understanding that goes beyond the dualistic perception of a story in your head about you and other people that you or them were done something right or wrong to a seperate you and is the recognition of just sin/error, just mistakes.

loving kindness isn't enough because you are coming from a place of wanting to get rid of negative emotions that's why you keep coming back to them.

this guilt and pain sticks because you still in somehow believe there was something inherently wrong, bad, evil about what happened, what you have done or what another has done.

you must see your innocence until you can truly let go, that's all i have to say because i broke my head over trying to forgive and realizing your innocence is a lot of work - that you nor anyone has done anything wrong, ever. true compassion has to be seen within yourself

I love this

[DManKee]

@Nahm We've both tried in the past to reconciliate but failed. Not contacting them is the only way I see for both us to not hurt each other again.

[DManKee]

@Yarco Thank you! No, I didn't hurt them fiscally or anything like that. I've tried all this self love and forgiveness but it just hasn't worked for me. I still blame myself for hurting them. I guess I'm still in the process understanding how to forgive.

Thank you! ♥️

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj02z6kN-4M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0xzljlk_hg

 

Edited February 2, 2022 by Raze

[Nahm]

7 hours ago, DManKee said:

@Nahm We've both tried in the past to reconciliate but failed. Not contacting them is the only way I see for both us to not hurt each other again.

Not to reconcile, just to unconditionally apologize. No expectation. For you, not for the relationship. 

7 hours ago, DManKee said:

I still blame myself for hurting them

As you are yourself, that isn’t possible. You could blame Nahm, or Jim or Sue, and that makes some sense. But there isn’t the ‘myself’ of ‘I blame myself’. Blame is an emotion, which is guidance in regard to how that thoughts feels. Listen to the emotional guidance, and not the believing of the thought that there are two of you. Notice it feels slightly better to express the worry, and the resulting un-suppressing of doubt, than to continue to believe & focus upon the self referential thought loop of blame. 

One sincerely desiring self-love, is one dispelling beliefs about one being two, and thus other than, self-love. When all beliefs are dispelled, only the truth can remain. 

Consciousness is infinite, and is conscious of self referential limiting beliefs about, consciousness. ‘The one’ who is or has ‘limited consciousness’, or ‘degrees of consciousness’, is actually a thought / belief, infinite consciousness is conscious of. 

Understanding Aversion. 
Going Prior. 

[DManKee]

@Nahm Thank you so much! ♥️