My brother is destroying himself. I need help.

[somegirl]

He is diabetic, 29 years old, but the most upsetting thing I see is him not caring about his health at all, and my parents worrying about him. 

He has this pent up negative energy boiling inside of him and it shows. He is deeply unsatisfied and frustrated individual who works overtime (from morning till night literally) so he can fill the void inside of him. (For the record, he is very unhappy with my family's money situation).

Whenever he walks inside our house, I can just feel his negativity and I (even though it sounds bad) oftentimes don't like seeing him because he is very unpleasant to talk to. He doesn't know how to answer in a calm tone, he always yells, and complains about everything in his life. And I'm not exaggerating. This is him 24/7.

Today he picked wrong insulin and injected it into his hand, and instead of taking care of it and asking doctors what he can do now, he decided not to care about it. It's as if he wants to kill himself. Generally he seems pretty uninterested in food and what he has to eat (because of his condition he needs to measure the amount of food he eats and has to avoid certain food), but instead he relies on my mom to take care of it. As if he will never have to live on his own and take care of himself at one point.

Also... My brother doesn't have a girlfriend and never did and I assume this frustration and unhappiness stems from that too. He never mentioned any girl in his life.

I honestly don't know what to do and what my parents can do. They worry about him too much but are helpless about what they can do. 

Any suggestions or advice are welcomed. 

Edited January 31, 2022 by somegirl

[PurpleTree]

do you ever talk to him about his feelings, anxieties etc.?

[somegirl]

15 minutes ago, somegirl said:

do you ever talk to him about his feelings, anxieties etc.?

The way he is now, it is impossible to talk to him. As I mentioned, he is unable to have a normal conversation without yelling or being unpleasant to talk to overall. He is very inaccessible.

Though I remember a time when we were little kids how he cared about me and wanted to play with me all the time. He was always joking with my father as well, they had an inside joke. But then during puberty something changed and he became a different person - to me and generally. 

[Gregory1]

@somegirl

I feel you.

Your brother is deeply unhappy with his life. Of course he doesn't care about his health. Life is meaningless for him. The only thing he has is his work, as you said he fills his void with it.

Unfortunately we cannot change other human beings. They have to decide to change all by themselves.

Accept that reality. Become a person that is filled with light and love in your own life and you will raise his chance of believing he can do the same. Easier said than done I know.

Also, here are some practical things that could help your brother (it's not necessary to do them, only do them if you want to do them and if it feels right to you):

- kick him out. Living with mom at 29 is not healthy and doesn't do him good 

- find him a girlfriend (tricky), tell him that he could have one (maybe he doesn't know that), or ask him directly if he wants one.. My younger sister once told me that I could have girlfriend, I didn't know that this was possible. This really helped me

- convince him to take psychedelics with you 

- Go to a cinema with him, ask him if he wants to go for a walk with you, do something he likes with him, maybe he'll open up, maybe you can share something valuable with him

- Tell him clearly and directly when he annoys you / does things that are bad for the family (for example: tell him directly that he is yelling and that he should shut up and talk like normal person. He can do that!?)

- Most importantly.. Love him. He hates himself. The thing he needs most is Love. If you manage to truly love him you will know what to do and you will do whats right

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by Gregory1

[Michal__]

Well since you can't really talk to him, it would be pretty hard to help him.

You said something changed during puberty - I bet something significant / traumatic happened to him & which he hasn't told anybody about - maybe bullying. Do you think that's possible?

[somegirl]

26 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

Unfortunately we cannot change other human beings. They have to decide to change all by themselves.

Accept that reality. Become a person that is filled with light and love in your own life and you will raise his chance of believing he can do the same. Easier said than done I know.

This actually made me tear up... 
As I feel it is true.

I inherently believe I cannot change him unless he wants to himself.
 

26 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

kick him out. Living with mom at 29 is not healthy and doesn't do him good 

Just for the record, situation here is a little specific and different than that of the west. My country is deeply corrupted, but to the point where a young person cannot find a good paying job and use that money to live on his own unless they are a member of dominant political party. Living on his own is expensive. This results in young people living with their parents till they find husband/wife. But even then some decide to stay and live together with parents because of lack of money.

 

26 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

find him a girlfriend (tricky), tell him that he could have one (maybe he doesn't know that), or ask him directly if he wants one.. My younger sister once told me that I could have girlfriend, I didn't know that this was possible. This really helped me

I see. I actually hoped some of my friends would find him attractive. But... I think his looks is not a problem, I think his energy is. I believe he went on some dates in the past (I actually caught him using tinder at one point), but I believe nothing ever happened because they sensed how deeply unhappy and frustrated he is. The worst thing is - he doesn't communicate any of this to us. He doesn't ask for help. This is just my assumption.
 

26 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

convince him to take psychedelics with you 

I never took psychedelics but man do i want to someday in the future. And I don't want just my borther to take it, but my whole family. But ofc I cannot force anyone unless they are ready. Even I am still a bit apprehensive about it. Have you taken it before?
 

26 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

Go to a cinema with him, ask him if he wants to go for a walk with you, do something he likes with him, maybe he'll open up, maybe you can share something valuable with him

Dreaming and praying this will happen.

26 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

for example: tell him directly that he is yelling and that he should shut up and talk like normal person. He can do that

Ahahah, as if that helps. It's very hard to tell someone to stop doing something.
 

26 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

Most importantly.. Love him. He hates himself. The thing he needs most is Love. If you manage to truly love him you will know what to do and you will do whats right

Thanks. This is very beautifully said. 


 

Edited January 31, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

21 minutes ago, Michal__ said:

You said something changed during puberty - I bet something significant / traumatic happened to him & which he hasn't told anybody about - maybe bullying. Do you think that's possible?

I really don't know what happened. I just remembered, being a little girl, that something just shifted. He stopped gifting me toys, stopped playing with me. Maybe some girl rejected him? Maybe someone humiliated him in front of everyone? This is just my speculation. I have no way of knowing unless I ask him and unless he answers me honestly. Which at this point I can't imagine him being vulnerable and open up to me about that. He is very closed off. Very cold, unreachable.

Edited January 31, 2022 by somegirl

[Federico del pueblo]

Am I understanding this correctly, all of you still live in the same house, so you see him daily?

Anyway, the first issue here is how do you get him to have any kind of meaningful conversation with you at all?

This won't be too easy judging by your post.

Anyway a few things come to my mind.

Given the stuff you said about him and his relationships (or lack thereof) with girls I'm gonna have to assume that there is some major major issue here. He might be seriously wounded or potentially traumatized in some way. For guys if the girls' department isn't handled this can mess with us big time, make us feel like a loser etc.

I'm saying this because you better believe that your brother is probably gonna feel extremely vulnerable and ashamed and potentially judged for whatever it is that could be revealed to you or others. This is super sensitive stuff.

If you can't even really access him as in start a conversation with him then there's only one solution I could think of.

Maybe you want to write him a message, either on paper (basically like a letter) or in whatever digital kind of communication you're typically using and communicate a few things to him.

If you indeed do this, then I believe it's very important to include a few things.

You must make him understand that you truly love him (as a brother) and care about him. You must tell him that no matter what kind of issue he may be dealing with, that you would not ever judge him, no matter what he reveals (remember: he's probably feeling very vulnerable about his problems). Make him understand that you'd truly like to help him, for his own sake. Make him understand that you wouldn't ever want to lose him. Let him know that whatever is troubling him, you'd be there to listen and help.

Maybe you even want to mention these positive memories you two share in common, to emphasize you truly care about him.

You could basically explain everything that makes you worried regarding your brother, but be careful to not sound moralising or judgemental, just describe how it makes you feel as a sister to see him in this state/condition.

[Gregory1]

4 minutes ago, somegirl said:

This actually made me tear up... 
As I feel it is true.

I inherently believe I cannot change him unless he wants to himself.

❤️

5 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Just for the record, situation here is a little specific and different than that of the west. My country is deeply corrupted, but to the point where a young person cannot find a good paying job and use that money to live on his own, because living on his own is expensive. This results in young people living with their parents till they find husband/wife. But even then some decide to stay and live together with parents because of lack of money.

Okay then it's something different of course...

6 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I see. I actually hoped some of my friends would find him attractive. But... I think his looks is not a problem, I think his energy is. I believe he went on some dates in the past (I actually caught him using tinder at one point), but I believe nothing ever happened because they sensed how deeply unhappy and frustrated he is. The worst thing is - he doesn't communicate any of this to us. He doesn't ask for help. This is just my assumption.

Tell him that he looks attractive. He propably doesn't know that. If you tell him he will feel better about himself and maybe in the future find girlfriend because he isn't insecure about looks any more. I think your assumption is correct. He doesn't communicate because he is fragile and hurt inside. He is in pain and feels like he can't do anything about it.

9 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I never took psychedelics but man do i want to someday in the future. And I don't want just my borther to take it, but my whole family. But ofc I cannot force anyone unless they are ready. Even I am still a bit apprehensive about it. Have you taken it before?

Psychedelics are the most powerful tool for human development that exists on this planet (at least that's what I think). Yes I have taken them. They will transform you deeply if you take enough of them. Your whole view on life and reality will change forever.

11 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Dreaming and praying this will happen

You can make it happen?

11 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Ahahah, as if that helps. It's very hard to tell someone to stop doing something.

It would definitely help. He would be a bit shocked first moment but then he would see that he is annoying you and change his behaviour. Nothing wrong with being honest:) and yes it's not easy:))

[something_else]

My ex girlfriend was diabetic and ended up sending herself to hospital at least 3-4 times by not taking her insulin

She also never paid attention to the food she ate either

She had depression, mostly unrelated to the diabetes, but I think the main insight I gleamed was that if a diabetic is unsatisfied with their life, there is almost nothing you can do to make them look after their diabetes

It requires so much micromanagement and effort, plus it doesn't pose an immediate threat to your life. This is a dreadful combo for someone with depression

Mentally, a diabetic with depression is essentially being forced to ask themselves like 7 times a day if life is worth living, and worth all this effort that no one else has to go through. This takes an enormous toll on your mental health

This doesn't really offer a solution, which I'm sorry for, but I figured it was worth sharing

And my absolute deepest condolences if you have to deal with the US healthcare system for this as well

Edited January 31, 2022 by something_else

[Gregory1]

Also, I agree with everything that @Federico del pueblo said. Writing him a letter where you tell him everything openly is a great idea.

[somegirl]

4 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

Given the stuff you said about him and his relationships (or lack thereof) with girls I'm gonna have to assume that there is some major major issue here. He might be seriously wounded or potentially traumatized in some way. For guys if the girls' department isn't handled this can mess with us big time, make us feel like a loser etc.

I'm saying this because you better believe that your brother is probably gonna feel extremely vulnerable and ashamed and potentially judged for whatever it is that could be revealed to you or others. This is super sensitive stuff.

I understand this. Especially after reading a few comments from previous threads on this forum. I believe it can be pretty frustrating if that department isn't handled well. I know it was pretty frustrating to me, and I am a girl. So it's even worse for guys.

You suggestion is good. Though, you made me come up with something even better. I am very close with my brother's best friend. He is like my second brother. We can maybe sit him down one day and ask him what troubles him. I just hope he won't be overwhelmed or uncomfortable by this. My brother might feel so embarassed and close off even more. I for sure won't yet do this, because it is not time.

I can also maybe talk to his best friend and ask him to help me so I can do this on my own. He cares for him deeply too.
 

11 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

You must make him understand that you truly love him (as a brother) and care about him. You must tell him that no matter what kind of issue he may be dealing with, that you would not ever judge him, no matter what he reveals (remember: he's probably feeling very vulnerable about his problems). Make him understand that you'd truly like to help him, for his own sake. Make him understand that you wouldn't ever want to lose him. Let him know that whatever is troubling him, you'd be there to listen and help.

Yes, exactly this. 

 

[Federico del pueblo]

15 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Though, you made me come up with something even better. I am very close with my brother's best friend.

I was gonna ask about this. If he has a really good friend then maybe you first wanna have a discussion with him and tell him all your worries, maybe then he will talk with your brother.

 

15 minutes ago, somegirl said:

We can maybe sit him down one day and ask him what troubles him. I just hope he won't be overwhelmed or uncomfortable by this.

Yeah. Here I'm a bit concerned about the 2on1 kind of conversation. It's one thing to open up to just one person, it's a different thing to open up in front of 2 people, the perceived pressure and potential shame is higher in the latter scenario.

Edited January 31, 2022 by Federico del pueblo

[somegirl]

22 minutes ago, something_else said:

She had depression, mostly unrelated to the diabetes, but I think the main insight I gleamed was that if a diabetic is unsatisfied with their life, there is almost nothing you can do to make them look after their diabetes

Seems like this is the case for my brother. He might be depressed. I just know how unsatisfied he is with everything. Though I never saw him complaining about his condition, just his life situations (usually money, lack of material things etc).

Though I think psyche is related to diabetes. He might have had this negative energy and thoughts inside of him that he felt he couldn't express and it resulted in this condition. 

 

22 minutes ago, something_else said:

Mentally, a diabetic with depression is essentially being forced to ask themselves like 7 times a day if life is worth living, and worth all this effort that no one else has to go through. This takes an enormous toll on your mental health

Yeah... But you know, I just remembered, he always goes to doctors for check ups 2 times a year and also goes to psychologist two times a year so they can monitor the situation (and this is all covered by his health insurance). So I find it strange that noone reported anything weird when it comes to his mental health. 
 

22 minutes ago, something_else said:

And my absolute deepest condolences if you have to deal with the US healthcare system for this as well

For the first time ever I am glad I do not live in US (or my brother, better speaking) because this would absolutely cost him a fortune to manage. Not the best health care system in the world, but at least it is free, and so is insulin. Thank you God.

Edited February 1, 2022 by somegirl

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like he has been neglecting his life and development for over a decade and is now in a deep hole from which it will be difficult to climb out.

The bottom line is that he has to want to develop himself. Maybe try to introduce him to the idea of personal development and its potential. Help him envision a better future for himself. A future where here is fit, healthy, has girlfriend, has fun job, etc.

You can share with him how and why you do personal development and what results are possible.

[Raze]

Try telling him to get internal family systems therapy and try the ultramind solution

[Michal__]

11 hours ago, somegirl said:

I really don't know what happened. I just remembered, being a little girl, that something just shifted. He stopped gifting me toys, stopped playing with me. Maybe some girl rejected him? Maybe someone humiliated him in front of everyone? This is just my speculation. I have no way of knowing unless I ask him and unless he answers me honestly. Which at this point I can't imagine him being vulnerable and open up to me about that. He is very closed off. Very cold, unreachable.

I remember getting into a very emotionally damaging relationship affected me in a similiar way for like 1 or 2 years afterwards. If his situation is similiar then he has to realise why he is acting the way he is acting.

[somegirl]

12 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

The bottom line is that he has to want to develop himself. Maybe try to introduce him to the idea of personal development and its potential. Help him envision a better future for himself. A future where here is fit, healthy, has girlfriend, has fun job, etc.

Yeah... Though right now I can't have that kind of conversation with him. The way he is now, he would feel embarassed/uncomfortable if I were to suggest we have an open, honest conversation because that would mean he needs to open up and be vulnerable. Or he would yell "I don't have time for it, I need to work!" As a matter of fact, I think part of him being diabetic is because he never shares his feelings/struggles/frustrations. He bottles it up inside of him.

Maybe I can talk to his best friend and come up with something that is feasible.

In the end of the day, I feel I should set an example of being a bright spot in his life, the one  who he will feel he can be vulnerable with and open up, without being judged. Then I can talk about personal development and why he needs it. This is my dream. I just don't know if it will happen in this lifetime.

Edited February 1, 2022 by somegirl

[Rubywoo]

@somegirl Hey you, I understand you very well. I have a brother myself, he is 10 years older than me and from the outside it seems that he's got his life together. During an Ayahuasca ceremony last year I had the experience of being him and feeling his trauma and frustration. He was always a bit overweight, struggled with health problems/ overworking etc. He was and is basically living a very unhealthy lifestyle. When I felt his pain it gave me the compassion for him, where before there was a feeling of sadness and worry. That is why I truly understand how you feel from a "sibling perspective".

The only way you and your family can truly help him is by focusing on yourselves. What I mean by that is, going inward, find that place of  Hopefulness in regards to him. See in him wellness where your currently seeing misery and illness. In the beginning it could feel like your bullshitting yourself. But truly it helps. And it will help him because you and your family won't look at him as a "victim" of his own circumstances but moreso as a person that has always the potential to tap into that place of abundance and health and positivity. 

I know this is hard. Start maybe by journaling and making a list of all his positive aspects just to get a better, more positive view on him and his outlook in life. I wish you all the best, sending you Love.

Edited February 1, 2022 by Rubywoo

[somegirl]

9 hours ago, Rubywoo said:

The only way you and your family can truly help him is by focusing on yourselves. What I mean by that is, going inward, find that place of  Hopefulness in regards to him. See in him wellness where your currently seeing misery and illness. In the beginning it could feel like your bullshitting yourself. But truly it helps. And it will help him because you and your family won't look at him as a "victim" of his own circumstances but moreso as a person that has always the potential to tap into that place of abundance and health and positivity. 

So you mean I need to see him as being happy as if that's true? Like I will manifest it that way?

I have heard some Law of attraction people talking about that - acting and and being grateful for something as if it already happened/as if you already have that thing.