Boyfriend and female friends..

[Thought Art]

45 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You set a rule that if she cheats on you, there are no second chances, she loses you forever.

And then you stop caring. You let her free to do whatever she wants, see whoever she wants, doesn't matter to you cause you know your value and you can replace her with another girl and she knows that too.

This is the proper frame for keeping hot girls.

Wise

[Bando]

@Ineedanswers I wonder if context might change the answer to that question, say you and your parnter have been married for 5 years have 2 kids, you guys are going through some issues nothing serious though, she catches up for drinks with an old friend things escalate they end up sleeping together.

As soon as she gets home she immediately confesses to her husband profusely apologizes, explains how she hurt you and how regretful she is, blocks the guys contact info and says she wants to make the marriage work, what would you do? Do you end up divorcing ad splitting apart the family or sit down and try to work this through with your partner?

This question is opened to the ladies as well. Would like to hear @aurum thoughts also

[Matthew85]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

You set a rule that if she cheats on you, there are no second chances, she loses you forever.

Oh Leo  

[Leo Gura]

47 minutes ago, Ineedanswers said:

leo is it okay to give a girl who you really like a second chance if she seems genuinely repentful, and promises not to cheat again?

You can do whatever you want, but the wise course of action is a firm no.

Learn to set a boundary and enforce it. Do not bend over backwards for girls. They will not respect such a man. She needs to know from the very beginning that you are the kind of guy who does not put up with her shit like all the other guys. You are clear and decisive. You know what you want and you are clear about how you expect others to act around you, or they are cut from your life. This attitude is what then makes people respect you and treat you well.

[Ineedanswers]

@Leo Gura thanks leo. But would it always be the wisest course of action to end the relationship? As @Bando said what if she is genuinely regretful?(ie-stops going partying with her friends through her own volition,volunteers to delete her social media) etc?

I'm not talking about staying in a abusive relationship where the girl has no respect for you and treats you terribly.

I'm talking about a situation where a really nice girl  who treats you well ,goes out with her friends, gets a little too drunk, some guy with elite level game comes and runs game on her and they end up hooking up. The next day she confesses immediately and seems genuinely regretful and asks for one more chance.(just one and only)

Would you give her one more chance leo?

Would I be dumb to give her one more chance or is it a reasonable decision?  (Especially if her actions prove that she has genuinely changed).

Is it definitely best to end the relationship or in this case might it be worth trying to patch things up?(Especially if you really like this girl?)

Edited February 2, 2022 by Ineedanswers

[Leo Gura]

18 minutes ago, Ineedanswers said:

Would you give her one more chance leo?

I would not.

You can do whatever you want.

[Roy]

1 hour ago, Ineedanswers said:

leo is it okay to give a girl who you really like a second chance if she seems genuinely repentful, and promises not to cheat again? 

I'm with @Leo Gura on this and hold the same rule for my own relationships. However the only time (in my opinion) it is ever acceptable to give a cheater a second chance is if it's a marriage where kids are involved. Then you should try to make things work for their sake.

Otherwise, cya wouldn't wanna be ya!

[Preety_India]

My ex boyfriend was like that. He used to be an extrovert. I mean most guys I dated were extroverts (*cries). He used to talk to a lot of women. I was as usual very naive and didn't suspect anything. He even used to flirt with them. Sometimes I used to feel uncomfortable but I never said anything. I just never believed that he would cheat because I trusted him so much that the thought that he would cheat on me never crossed my mind. 

Then one day I discovered his cheating and I was done for good. 

Hindsight is 20/20, I learned from my mistakes and realized that these behaviors of excessively seeking company of the opposite sex are early signs of cheating. (which means at some point that person is going to cheat with someone). They are simply prepping you so that you never suspect them by making you get used to it 

The best way to deal with this is — talk directly. Tell them your fears. If they continue to indulge in that behavior, not only are they breaking your boundaries (which is reason enough to break a relationship, as they don't give a damn), but they are also blatantly disrespecting your requests and don't care about how it makes you feel, plus it means they want it make it known that they will do what they want despite the warnings/requests which is an extremely high probability that they are going to cheat (cheaters are generally shameless and don't budge and don't listen) so it's a sign anyway that they will do what they want, even knowing that it hurts you. Then it's high time you decide whether you want such a relationship or you want something pleasant and that which keeps you happy. 

Don't compromise on your happiness for any dude, it's not worth it. 

Dudes who would want you are dime a dozen. Find those who won't make you feel uncomfortable. 

Lots of dudes on the market frankly. 

 

[Ineedanswers]

38 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I would not

 

33 minutes ago, Roy said:

I'm with @Leo Gura on this and hold the same rule for my own relationships

Judging by your answers.in your opinion the answer to my question

56 minutes ago, Ineedanswers said:

Is it definitely best to end the relationship or in this case might it be worth trying to patch things up?(Especially if you really like this girl

Is thats its not worth trying to patch up the relationship once one party has cheated.(even if they seem genuinely regretful seem to be making a diligent effort to not redo the same mistake?)

@Preety_India im curious to hear your opinion about this if you dont mind.do you think it okay to give a girl who cheated on you one more chance of she seems genuinely remorseful and promises to never do it again? Or would you recommend ending the relationship immediately?

Edited February 2, 2022 by Ineedanswers

[Roy]

It's the best thing to do because you maintain your self-respect and self-esteem, and there are consequences for the cheaters actions. Which will hopefully cause them to reflect on their behavior and do better next time.

Cheaters are like children. When children do something stupid or something they shouldn't do, you punish them to teach them a valuable life lesson. It doesn't matter if they are sorry about it or not. They won't learn the lesson if you don't punish them. If you stay with them you are just sacrificing your own integrity and enabling them to violate it as well as their own.

I say this as a highly empathetic person. I'm just not so reckless with my empathy that I let it hurt me or others.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Ineedanswers said:

m curious to hear your opinion about this if you dont mind.do you think it okay to give a girl who cheated on you one more chance of she seems genuinely remorseful and promises to never do it again? Or would you recommend ending the relationship immediately?

I don't forgive cheaters. My own personal principle. I don't cheat. Why will I lower my standards when I operate on high standards myself. 

Also your phrasing is very weird. You say - "especially if you really like this girl."  What does that even mean? You're in relationship obviously because you really like that person, why else would you be? Are you in a relationship where you don't like that person but you pretend to? (then it's not much worse than cheating because you aren't actually loving and that is also a kind of cheating, albeit a different kind, since that person has been kept in the dark about the fact that you don't like them enough, meanwhile they're building castles in the air around you.) why would you even stay in a relationship when you don't like that person enough (just to have a girlfriend around till you get a better girlfriend) this is generally the mentality of men who treat women like disposables, they immediately abandon their current girlfriend once they are able to have another hot girl like at the drop of a dime. A guy who genuinely loves a woman or who has genuinely fallen in love will never phrase it as - "especially if you really like this girl" because he knows he obviously likes her, that goes without question, nobody even questions that unless you are always having second thoughts about your choice in which case you don't deserve the relationship and that girl probably deserves to be treated better, not to be treated as an option but to be treated as a priority, shouldn't she be with a man who treats her like a priority? Something is truly off with that wording. And if that's how you think where you can easily replace a woman because you found another hot woman, then I guess you deserve to be cheated on because it didn't matter anyway, you were going to do things that are equally hurtful to the girl.. 

Generally guys who forgive girls for cheating are cheaters themselves. It's a form of projection. It's like a thief having sympathy for another thief. It takes one to know one. 

Coming back to the situation of cheating, the gender is irrelevant. 

I'm a girl and I won't forgive a guy who cheats on me. No chance. 

If i were a guy, I would not forgive a girl who cheats. 

Gender is irrelevant. 

 

 

[aurum]

2 hours ago, Bando said:

This question is opened to the ladies as well. Would like to hear @aurum thoughts also

I can answer your question, but truthfully this is not how I think about relationships or my life. This is a “there’s a giant fire in my kitchen, how do I put it out???” kind of question. 

I’m interested in not having fires.

The way you do that is by being proactive and way out ahead of something like this happening.

It’s like if someone gets a disease after 30 years of horrible diet, lack of exercise, poor sleep. NOW they want a cure. But the cure was not living an unhealthy lifestyle for 30 years.

So to your question, if she cheats, the first thing I’m asking is why did she cheat? And why am I in a marriage with a cheater in the first place?

Sure, maybe it couldn’t be helped and it’s not your fault. But assuming it hasn’t happen yet, how can I swing things in my favor so that my future relationship is healthy? Maybe learn game. Maybe invest in your financial future. Maybe develop a strong sense of boundaries that weeds out people of low integrity. Maybe learn non-violent communication so you can work these issues out by talking them through before they explode.

Once you’ve been proactive and taken responsibility, if you’ve still got a fire on your hands, then we can talk about how to put it out. But my mind in general just doesn’t go there. I don’t think about random potential catastrophic scenarios in the future and how I might mitigate them.

 

[Ineedanswers]

@Roy @Preety_India tnks for the answres

[Preety_India]

Consider the situation that cheating is not something to be taken lightly. It is a serious thing, a serious problem.

Dealing with toxic people is difficult anyway. 

If a person cannot understand the limits and boundaries of a relationship, how can this person be trusted at all? Furthermore why would you want such toxicity in your life? 

Forgiving looks like a noble act. But look at it rationally. Forgiving can sometimes become an open invitation to all sorts of toxic people to enter your life. Why would you want that? 

Remember that if you are dealing with a toxic person, it can almost destroy your entire life, you are fucked for the rest of your life dealing with that person, especially if you have married that person. Even a divorce won't actually set you free. Because there is shared parenting. 

I saw this with my ex boyfriend's ex wife. She divorced him within a year of marriage but she was already pregnant. Now she has to coparent her child with him. She cannot completely cut him out since he is the father and he has rights to be with his child. The problem is that he constantly gives her violent threats and sends her abusive text messages and phone calls. Also her child keeps begging to talk to the dad. So she is left with no option but to keep in touch with this abusive ex husband. Her one mistake (of marrying the wrong guy) is costing her an entire lifetime of regret and suffering. I only realized when I broke up with him, because I comfortably threw him out of my life by breaking up but she is stuck in this forever. I feel bad for her. 

You don't want your marriage to turn into a permanent nightmare 

Then learn to have firm boundaries early on in relationships. This is not about forgiveness, its about self responsibility. 

If a person does not respect your boundaries and cheats on you, they can also do other unethical things that you might not be aware of. They could be dangerous to their own children in the future. Since they don't know how to respect boundaries, they will not even respect their children's boundaries. 

Forgiving such people is enabling their behavior and almost giving their toxicity a gatepass into your life. 

 

[Arcangelo]

So glad to be RP'ed right now.

[LordFall]

4 hours ago, Ineedanswers said:

@Leo Gura leo is it okay to give a girl who you really like a second chance if she seems genuinely repentful, and promises not to cheat again? 

Considerinh the fact that its so easy for girls to be tempted to cheat these days (due to being inundated by 1000s of messages on social media,lots of guys learning game etc) ,

 

This is a crazy statement. Only a man with low abundance would take a cheater back. Monogamous relationships put a lot of weight on sexual exclusivity and it's a clear contract(for most couples.) You can't accidentally cheat, it is always a sign of massive disrespect. I don't see how tolerating disrespect would make a woman that doesn't respect you respect you more so fundamentally you can't make that work. Women need to respect a man to love him, otherwise, it's just an empty relationship that is just there for one or both of the parties convenience. 

The part about females and males being friends is always iffy to me. People in general that say it's great don't generally understand social and gender dynamics. In my experience men and women are only friends in artificially created social hierarchy scenarios(work, school, double dates, etc.) In the real world, attractive men and women are not friends! They play an elaborate social game to fuck each other because that's what our species does! Or they cope together, through smoking weed/drinking/mindless entertainment. The only people I see just randomly hanging out with people of the other sex are gay, coping, or lying to each other and one or both of them are trying to fuck the other.  

 @Tangerinedream Those girls probably want to fuck your man and will do so if he chooses to go for it. Do you trust your man and are you okay with this situation regardless? He probably likes that girls like him and I mean that's fine but you're free to go after whatever type of relationship you want in this life.

Also, analyze if his socially confident and perhaps flirty character IS what YOU like about him in the first place? Plenty of girls put restrictions on their man and then it backfires on them because that aspect of their man was something they actually did respect and enjoy in their man they just got insecure or whatever else the issue might've been. 

[Bobby_2021]

On 2/1/2022 at 9:58 AM, Leo Gura said:

That's what you get for dating an extreme extrovert.

 

18 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Da fuq?

Why so much difference in reply for the same thing with different genders. 

These things work both ways.

P.S I would state these things prior to the relationship. She is free to refuse.

My first gf(ex now) said she would completely agree to my terms to not have too much time spending with dudes who may want to fuck her if they had the chance.

 She is a fine woman. I don't want to have women that would give me headache.  I would find such girls who are fine with my terms. Ok..?

This is nothing to get triggered about.

[Tangerinedream]

36 minutes ago, Whitesnow said:

Isnt it possible for a girl/guy to make a mistake and genuinely repent,take actionable steps to make sure they never make the same mistake again and patch up the relationship?

I think it would be situational.  It’s easy to say you wouldn’t do it if you aren’t in a long term relationship or deeply in love with someone.  It’s not so black and white.  If you are in a long term commitment marriage or partnership I think it’s a bit naive to think everything will be great the whole time.  There will be ups and downs.  So it totally depends.  It also depends on the person, some people are more easily forgiving where as some people couldn’t live with it.  Personally I couldn’t accept it, but that’s coming from the point of view of being in 2 and a half year relationship with no real ties or children.  Whereas if I were married for 20 years maybe I could forgive them I dunno.  Also I doubt will smith has been 100% faithful. 

[Raze]

4 hours ago, Whitesnow said:

 

Isnt it possible for a girl/guy to make a mistake and genuinely repent,take actionable steps to make sure they never make the same mistake again and patch up the relationship?

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Maybe if the person had suicidal level regret and breakdown and did long term effective therapy, they might change.

[somegirl]

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Learn to set a boundary and enforce it. Do not bend over backwards for girls. They will not respect such a man. She needs to know from the very beginning that you are the kind of guy who does not put up with her shit like all the other guys. You are clear and decisive. You know what you want and you are clear about how you expect others to act around you, or they are cut from your life. This attitude is what then makes people respect you and treat you well.

I actually know a guy who "forgave" his girl for cheating (even though he brings it up here and there and they broke up couple of times over it but got back together) and now they have a baby. And they seem stable now... 

Just interesting to see lol