Boyfriend and female friends..

[integral]

Its possible hes leading a lot of does girls on with out realizing hes doing so, but they likely friend zone him quick enough, so i wouldn't worry about it.

A friend of mine is the same way, they just get dopamine from it and small talk is as necessary as oxygen to them. Hes getting his needs met, to limit him is probably a mistake. 

Just got to accept that hes getting his dopamine hit from it and you dont. 

Edited February 1, 2022 by integral

[Karmadhi]

12 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

me and my imaginary gf

 

gf: honey i'm going out with friends

me: are those friends female?

gf: no they're guys?

me: are they gay?

gf: what's your problem, what are you even talking about?

me: are you trying to cheat on me?

gf: dude you're paranoid

me: am i?

gf: i can't be like that i need freedom you ass hat

me: you remind me of my mother

gf: f you

me: cu**

gf: this is over

me: 

Actually you can get away with being like this if your girl is really in love with you or if you come from a more conservative culture. I know because i am originally from such a culture.  However, in a feminist country you cannot do this shit or you will get dumped asap  

[Leo Gura]

Being this needy is the surest way to get your ass cheated on.

[Nadosa]

5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Being this needy is the surest way to get your ass cheated on.

For both sides.

 

[Yarco]

2 hours ago, PurpleTree said:

me and my imaginary gf

gf: honey i'm going out with friends

me: are those friends female?

gf: no they're guys?

me: are they gay?

gf: what's your problem, what are you even talking about?

me: are you trying to cheat on me?

gf: dude you're paranoid

me: am i?

gf: i can't be like that i need freedom you ass hat

me: you remind me of my mother

gf: f you

me: cu**

gf: this is over

me: 

People on this forum I'm guessing are more sexually open, confident in themselves, etc. in general, so this seems surprising or like a joke. But in the general population, I'd say this is a completely accurate assessment of how most guys feel and act. If I had to guess, probably 60%+. I used to be this needy and jealous in a previous relationship.

For most women it's an unspoken cultural understanding that you shouldn't have guy friends, so it comes up less. But when it does come up it'll go exactly like the above convo. Except at the end instead of saying "this is over", most women will capitulate to save the relationship. Especially if they have esteem issues and don't think they could get anyone better.

And yeah if a guy is this paranoid they might be hiding something themselves.

Edited February 1, 2022 by Yarco

[aurum]

6 hours ago, Bobby_2021 said:

I just can't accept my gf ever going out with male friends. Big no. So I look for introverted shy feminine girls in the first place

 

That insecurity is going to seriously limit you and have you settling.

Every attractive girl I’’ve ever dated had male friends. Even the ones that were more introverted. And they got hit on a lot regardless. That’s the reality of dating attractive people.

[Lyubov]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Da fuq?

It depends on the friend. If it’s some guy that has respect and is clearly not trying to make a move okay maybe or if it’s some long time platonic friend okay. But if she’s beautiful many guys will be hanging out with her cause they wanna be an orbiter. Why tf would I wanna get in a relationship with a girl that doesn’t seem ready for a long term committed relationship? Women aren’t stupid. They know what orbiters are. Screening their friend group and their past is important. Can easily end up in a relationship with a chick that is hanging out with her ex or a past fwb. No thanks !

[How to be wise]

42 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Being this needy is the surest way to get your ass cheated on.

If someone is willing to cheat on you, they are not good relationship material. You shouldn’t settle for somebody that isn’t honest and loyal.

[Lyubov]

49 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Being this needy is the surest way to get your ass cheated on.

Not exactly. It can actually lead to getting your needs deeply met if you know how to go about setting boundaries in a healthy way and communicating what you want from your woman. Many women are super loyal and they get something met as well feeling owned (not over controlled). In fact I think it’s kinda a sign of weakness and a lack of devotion if you aren’t a bit territorial and firm in a relationship. This is probably one of the bigger misnomers in western dating. If your woman is so attached to being this separate and having this much freedom and hanging out so freely with other dudes (ex bf, former fwb, orbiters, etc) in a relationship it’s a bit of a red flag for me that it eventually won’t work out anyways. It’s really a balance and depends on the woman. I don’t feel comfortable being a “we” over an “I” if my beautiful girlfriend is hanging out one on one or in private groups with orbiters which are what most guys are to beautiful girls. Obviously what I’m saying is contextual and little things can vary. I’m not like a firm no guy friends type of boyfriend but I’m wary of it for sure and screen for it and see if such a woman placates this dynamic so to speak and outwardly shows she doesn’t wanna hang out with other guys for the sake of the relationship. There are girls that are really serious that will do this but they will expect respect and trust and of course some space in return to do what they please. 

Edited February 1, 2022 by Lyubov

[Average Investor]

With my last girlfriend, we would go bowling with her guy friend. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. I got along with him pretty good. I skipped going with them one time and he touched her butt. She explicitly asked him not to do anything like that and he escalated to doing it. I am not sure if my girlfriend told me about it to get me jealous or whatever. Plus, I didn't see what happened. I told her, I was done going with them and she could go with him by herself if she wanted. I reached a point where I was just detached from whatever she did. She didn't end up going with him again though. 

At the same time, I actually had one of my clients invite me in her house because she was home alone. I easily could have had sex with this girl, as she would always hug me etc. I actually had a few female clients that would hug me and expressed some interest lol. This girl made it pretty obvious her intent and feelings for me. It isn't like it is extremely difficult to not have sex with someone or restrain yourself. However, it can be hard not to flirt with people. With the case of my ex, it's hard to say what she did with others. If I was going to even want to cheat, I would break up with my girlfriend first. In the case with the girls, it would be impolite to not hug them if they did it. 

It takes some work to really detach from feeling like people will cheat. I feel this way in general about having a partner anymore. Although, I don't know maybe if I fall deeply in love with them or something that could change. I am so secure in myself that I don't really care about having a partner or not. If they just leave me that is fine as well. 

 

Edited February 1, 2022 by Average Investor

[Lyubov]

17 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

With my last girlfriend, we would go bowling with her guy friend. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. I got along with him pretty good. I skipped going with them one time and he touched her butt. She explicitly asked him not to do anything like that and he escalated to doing it. I am not sure if my girlfriend told me about it to get me jealous or whatever. Plus, I didn't see what happened. I told her, I was done going with them and she could go with him by herself if she wanted. I reached a point where I was just detached from whatever she did. She didn't end up going with him again though. 

At the same time, I actually had one of my clients invite me in her house. I easily could have had sex with this girl, as she would always hug me etc. I actually had a few female clients that would hug me and expressed some interest lol. This girl made it pretty obvious her intent and feelings for me. It isn't like it is extremely difficult to not have sex with someone or restrain yourself. However, it can be hard not to flirt with people. With the case of my ex, it's hard to say what she did with others. If I was going to even want to cheat, I would break up with my girlfriend first. In the case with the girls, it would be impolite to not hug them if they did it. 

It takes some work to really detach from feeling like people will cheat. I feel this way in general about having a partner anymore. Although, I don't know maybe if I fall deeply in love with them or something that could change. I am so secure in myself that I don't really care about having a partner or not. If they just leave me that is fine as well. 

 

This is very insightful. Have you road tested this detached state in a relationship? Have you found it leads to deeper trust and connection? I’m willing to accept in myself that I’ll always have tiny bits of jealousy, envy and insecurity. I think I’ve addressed and worked on it a lot and actually feel it’s quite manageable and being expressed in healthy ways for the most part. I also feel it motivates me to be devoted as well and communicate my needs. So I just am wondering what feeling fully detached in a LTR is like and how it tends to play out. 

[LSD-Rumi]

@Bobby_2021 you know there is something called open relationships? You are so late on the trend bro.

[Tangerinedream]

thank you for the replies  I’m feeling better already after writing this all out.  I guess the only reason it had came up is the fact of these friends being female, which triggered something.  Since he’s a very open person it’s natural that people would want to be his friend whether it be girl or boy. This is something that I struggle with - being myself around people I don’t know and being comfortable in any situation. 

I chatted with my boyfriend again about it, I brought up how I was feeling and we discussed everything.  

He understands how I feel about everything and said it’s normal I might be territorial about it that kind of thing, we laughed that he also quite liked that I was being territorial and thought it was cute. 

I said I find it strange how these girls want to hang around with him knowing he has a girlfriend - I said like, most girlfriends wouldn’t allow it.  For example my brothers wife would go crazy if he were to go and drink tea with the neighbour lol.  He said well they are too close minded to think anything else (which is true lol) 

he also suggested that that maybe the reason is that they feel more comfortable knowing he’s in a relationship, because if he was single it would feel like more pressure and like it was a date.  So the fact he’s taken, means they can be friends without expectations.  I guess I hadn’t thought of it in that way.   He also said they have never given him any signal that they were into him, and if they did then he obviously wouldn’t have alone time with them.. and that if he was at all attracted he also wouldn’t meet them. 

I made the point of ‘what if it were me hanging around one on one with guys, would you be ok with that?’  He said it would depend how often I was hanging around with him, but if it were for example someone I’d known for a long time it would be ok.  

He also made the point that comparing his situation with mine is also more difficult, because I’ve never been the type of person to be sociable with females, let alone males so it would be more odd if I suddenly started spending time with another guy, so if I were to do it that would be more worrying.  Whereas he has always been social and has been friends with girls all his life so it’s not something out of the blue for him.  

I said because we have a close relationship that this doesn’t make me worry so much, but I just had to vent out a few things, since I don’t wanna appear like a ‘fool’ but I also don’t want to control him or stop him seeing people.  Anyway all in all Just feeling like it all seems silly in the big picture.   So yeah let’s see what happens.  He just agreed that he would be more aware and check if I’m ok with something before he does it. 

[Lyubov]

@Tangerinedream Glad you were able to find common ground  I've actually felt good when my girlfriend brought up stuff like this to me and was a bit territorial. Made me feel appreciated and like she wanted us to be devoted to each other so it made me feel closer and desired by her. It made us closer I would say when we found common ground. 

Edited February 1, 2022 by Lyubov

[Jacob Morres]

Well that's some healthy comms 

[Karmadhi]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Being this needy is the surest way to get your ass cheated on

If i can ask, how is your health btw? I remember you were doing a purely meat diet and it made your symptomes go away. You are feeling better thee days?

[Average Investor]

@Lyubov I was dating that girl for a few years. It's a bit of a relief to just allow her to do things. There was stuff that I wasn't a fan of. She nearly got sexually assaulted once. One guy that was sort of a friend would tell her that he liked her, but want to hang out with me lol. They even had hung out a bit and he was around were would hang out a bit. I would tell her straight up that I don't care if she goes with him. Just be straight up with me if you are going to do something more with him. I was a much different person then though too. I wouldn't be hanging around these kind of people anymore. 

Most things in life are not really set in stone though. Every thing comes and goes. It's really easy to want to lock things in and keep them how they are. That's not to say that I could not find a long term partner and commit. I would just want a level of communication that she would just tell me if she is leaving for another guy. I don't want any guessing games or unclear communication. 

You might find the sedona method useful if you are struggling letting go of a emotion for similar situations. I think it would be good to have open communication, where both partners are aware of what they are comfortable with too. 

I haven't dated in a few years now. The more I have sat out and worked on myself, the easier this will be it seems. I don't know maybe if I find that perfect match it will work me up. Even then, I am fairly picky and most girls have done little personal devlopment. So finding a replacement isn't that hard. I think that and I enjoy being by myself a lot now. I have done a ton of work on being lonely. I think having a high quality partner would enhance myself now. 

[Tangerinedream]

@Lyubov yes agree.  I’ve tried to do the detached thing but realised it’s healthier for me to come out and say what’s bothering me rather than act like I’m too cool to care.  
now I’ve found that every time i talk something through it makes me more relaxed and makes me not worry so much.  I guess also coz I’m an over thinker and a bit of a worrier, that saying what’s on my mind most of the time helps me.  It’s all about figuring out your own boundaries and what you are ok with and what you aren’t.  
I did have a rough relationship in the past where I couldn’t trust my boyfriend at all, but he gave me many reasons not to trust him and he was very secretive.  At that time though I was too afraid to say anything because I’d been brought up to brush everything under the rug and not confront anyone.  So I ended up feeling I was going crazy and was in a lot of emotional pain which ultimately pushed us further apart because we couldn’t be honest with eachother.   So I’ve actually came along way now. 

[Leo Gura]

You set a rule that if she cheats on you, there are no second chances, she loses you forever.

And then you stop caring. You let her free to do whatever she wants, see whoever she wants, doesn't matter to you cause you know your value and you can replace her with another girl and she knows that too.

This is the proper frame for keeping hot girls.

[Ineedanswers]

@Leo Gura leo is it okay to give a girl who you really like a second chance if she seems genuinely repentful, and promises not to cheat again? 

Considerinh the fact that its so easy for girls to be tempted to cheat these days (due to being inundated by 1000s of messages on social media,lots of guys learning game etc) ,