Boyfriend and female friends..

[Tangerinedream]

 
My boyfriend is super friendly, extroverted and gets along with everyone easily.  He makes friends really easily and is a good conversationalist, he likes talking and can have a conversation with someone for a long time just talking about life etc.. he’s very open and has a genuine vibe so people naturally wanna be around him. 

I’m more introverted and don’t like chatting too much so it’s good for me if we go out and he can do most of the talking, like I can comfortably leave him with family or people he doesn’t know and he will be fine because he never gets awkward. 

One thing that’s been annoying me a bit lately is that he makes friends with so many girls. He’s open about me being his girlfriend and talks about me, but they will hang out together.  First, I trust him it’s not about me worrying he will cheat but I just get annoyed and find it weird sometimes. 
He befriended one of the neighbours in the building, and they have hung out together several times, he will go to her flat for a cup of tea, or they go out for coffee etc.

It’s like girls just get attracted to him and I find it weird when they know he has a gf.  I couldn’t imagine myself messaging and meeting with a guy who had a gf.  

Last month we met another couple at a cafe who we got talking to and got each others contacts.  Now the girl has been messaging with my boyfriend organising with him for us to meet up for drinks, I just find it strange that she would message him and not me about it? This makes me put up resistance of not wanting to meet them. 

those are just 2 examples.

I know this probably screams of insecurity and it probably is to some extent, but because I feel that I wouldn’t do that, I have a hard time understanding why they would.  Am I just so brainwashed into thinking that a man and woman can’t hang out together without someone catching feelings or there being some kind of expectation? 

My boyfriend knows I think it’s weird, but he says I’m always invited and it’s me who doesn’t want to make a connection with them.  This is partly true and I did hang out with them all together, but it’s like she is ‘his friend’ so I don’t feel like I can connect, Since he and the neighbour had hung out several times before she met me. 

He has plenty of guy friends but they don’t live here although they do talk on the phone a lot.  He said he wants more male friends but that he just hasn’t met anyone who keeps in touch and it’s not his fault that most of the people he meets are female and gets along with them.  We live in a city where it’s hard to form friendships!  

I’ve never tried to stop him or made a big deal out of it, mostly I will frown about it or just say what I’m saying here.  Infact I tell him to go without me because I don’t want to.  It’s also not something we have argued about, more just me being pissy about it.

I know I sound bitter and it’s also probably something to do with the fact that I don’t make friends easily - because I can be hard to let people in! My main close friends are my sisters who I can chat with everything about.  But mostly I don’t have any deep friendships.  

so yeah I dunno what it is, like I said it’s not about me feeling like I don’t trust him, maybe it’s more of an abandonment thing? 
I also wonder if we are incompatible, maybe I’m simply too introverted so these things get to me.  Am I just overthinking it?

[PurpleTree]

now i want to meet your bf, can i have his number?

 

 

just a joke you sold him so well.

i don't think i can give an great advice though sorrys

Edited January 31, 2022 by PurpleTree

[Tangerinedream]

@PurpleTree ???

[Roy]

8 minutes ago, Tangerinedream said:

I also wonder if we are incompatible, maybe I’m simply too introverted so these things get to me.  Am I just overthinking it?

I wouldn't go so far to say you are incompatible. If you trust him and are happy together I assume, obviously something is right 

I think this has to do with lack of acceptance. It sounds like you are having trouble accepting that he is more sociable and you are not. He is extroverted and you are introverted, so of course that comes with natural outcomes.

Does that sound right?

[Raptorsin7]

@Tangerinedream Maybe you have an issue with trusting your boyfriend? 

Why do you think it bothers you that he is being very social with woman?

How is your relationship otherwise? Maybe this is the tipping point, or maybe you there are other parts of the relationship that are going very well

[Tangerinedream]

@Roy I think you may be right.  The thing is, I’m not in any emotional pain or feeling hurt. Probably because I’ve done a lot of inner work.  It’s just me feeling irritated, and as you say, having a hard time accepting it.  I don’t expect him to change and I also think it’s good for him to go and get out his extroverted energy with someone who also wants to chat - For example the neighbour is also very chatty and extroverted. 

[Tangerinedream]

@Raptorsin7 no, I do trust him I don’t have any fears that he would cheat.  We have a very close relationship.  
However I know people that would say I’m crazy for allowing my boyfriend to hang out with other girls - so then I kinda think maybe I should be more upset? But overall I’m pretty chill and uncontrolling  about it.  I think that if we weren’t so close then I would of course be worried.   But he tells me everything when he comes home he isn’t secretive about things. 

[Roy]

I think this may be an opportunity to do some more inner work then. Sit with your feelings of being irritated and absorb and dissolve them with more acceptance.

You brought up something that's important to consider as well - that it's good for him to spend his extroverted energy. Even if it might feel a little bad for you right now, a way to deepen your love would be to let him use that energy.

I think you made this post not because you need answers you didn't know, you already seem to know what you should do. I think you made it because you are doubting your own strength and ability.

Well I'm here to tell you you have that strength.

[Vincent S]

Maybe it’s an invitation for you to push your limits and start to be more extroverted?

I know, because I have been an introvert for quite some while. But sometimes its good to challenge yourself, just to see if your choice is right, about how you want to be as a person. 
 
Ultimately its about giving up control completely. 
We cant control anybody. Not even ourselves. But we can choose to act with responsibility, towards ourselves and others. Response-Ability. Ability to response/respond: Act and react to whatever happens to us and people we hold dear. 
 
Reacting would be being bummed about not being to hold control over a situation. 

Acting would be, choosing to look at the situation from another point of view, or with a non-bias or a non-controling way. 
Example: Challenging yourself and seeing if its time for you to be more active, social, and make more friends. 
 
Not saying its going to happen, but what if he cheated? (lets just say for this scenario):   
You still wouldn’t be able to control anything. You can only choose to act or react, to whatever is the case.   
You have a responsibility for yourself. And you can give others, the same freedom to have their responsibilities. Work on that muscle, and you will be more and more relieved about life and whatever may happen.  

Trust and know that things only happen to change you, and or making you in to a more stronger and unmovable character. 

Edited January 31, 2022 by Vincent S

[SonataAllegro]

Ask yourself what exactly you feel uncomfortable with in the moment that it's happening. See that if you really trust him, there's nothing to worry about and that's just who he is. Notice also that your discomfort is part of who you are and don't judge yourself for it.

[Yarco]

I think your feelings of being bitter and insecure are valid. You don't have to apologize for them or make excuses. You aren't being weird. It's survival.

I'd talk to him about it and let him know how much it bothers you, and ask him if he'd be willing to stop meeting with other women in private at least. Going to a coffee shop is one thing. Going over to another girl's house for coffee is kinda sketchy, not gonna lie.

If he had 1 female friend, okay. But a dozen female friends, the chances that at least one of them aren't trying to steal your man, seems pretty low.

You can say you aren't worried about him cheating, but I don't know if I believe you. I don't think somebody would make this post if they were just annoyed their boyfriend was more social and better at making friends than them.

I've told my wife that I have a crush on one of her friends before. It was fine, we just agreed that it wasn't a good idea for her and me to be alone together, because you never know what might happen. I'm a guy and I can admit that I don't know if I can be that strong if given the temptation. Better to be open about it than just cross your fingers and hope.

Steve Harvey is a piece of **** generally but unironically I agree with him on this topic:

I feel like agreeing to not have friends of the opposite sex is a pretty common thing in a relationship. If that's something he's not  willing to compromise on then it's something that might be worth ending the relationship over. It's not a minor thing, this is constantly a low-level stress in the back of your mind that can later start to manifest as back pain or other weird stuff. It's a bit unfair to suddenly switch the rules on him without making this need of yours clear at the beginning of the relationship, so it's tough.

One of you is going to have to compromise for the relationship to stay together. Right now you're compromising with something that bothers and upsets you every time he picks up his phone or goes to meet one of his friends. If he won't compromise to help alleviate some of that and at least meet you in the middle, you're either stuck with those negative feelings forever or you have to end it.

PS: My ex-fiancee's friends told her she was crazy to let me hang out with my female coworker. They were right, I was fucking her.

Edited January 31, 2022 by Yarco

[Flowerfaeiry]

This would a big no for me, too! I would really express to him your deepest feelings about this. Be very expressive and don't hold back. "Baby when you hang out with other girls it just breaks my heart, I feel unimportant and it really hurts my feelings"  Use "I" statements. 

Continue to speak from your heart, don't be afraid to cry. Try to focus on how the whole thing makes you feel and let him know. Set a boundary. If he doesn't care about your feelings, if he continues to hurt you in this way then you need to determine if it is worth the pain of staying with him.

[Leo Gura]

That's what you get for dating an extreme extrovert.

[Matthew85]

@Tangerinedream There is tremendous potential for a lot of growth for you in this relationship if you are willing to look at what it's bringing up. 

[Nahm]

Accept irritability but don’t settle for it. Express the pessimism & understand the boredom. 

Your bf sounds like the Ron Burgundy of wingmen. Maybe you’re both missing a uniquely lucrative opportunity here. I feel as if his brand and legacy will carry on just from this thread. 

But of course, truly, this has nothing to do with him / appearances. 

[aurum]

14 hours ago, Tangerinedream said:

It’s like girls just get attracted to him and I find it weird when they know he has a gf.  I couldn’t imagine myself messaging and meeting with a guy who had a gf.  

Other girls may not share your perspective here. Some girls don’t give a shit, and in fact they may chase a guy even harder if they know he has a girlfriend.

14 hours ago, Tangerinedream said:

Am I just so brainwashed into thinking that a man and woman can’t hang out together without someone catching feelings or there being some kind of expectation? 

It happens sometimes. But you’re not totally off. Often at least one party has some sort of interest.

14 hours ago, Tangerinedream said:

I also wonder if we are incompatible, maybe I’m simply too introverted so these things get to me.  Am I just overthinking it?

It sounds to me like your boyfriend may just be highly extroverted / social. And you’re going to have to find a way to make it work.

I’ve had friends like your boyfriend. Guys who almost compulsively need to make friends and talk to people everywhere they go. It’s like they can’t help it.

If your boyfriend is like that, then that’s who he is. A dog is a dog. Even if he could change himself to make you feel better, is that what you really want? I suspect not.

The reality is that different personality types have trade offs when it comes to dating. Notice that it’s that same extroversion you love about him when you leave him alone with your family that then leads to this situation. He may have different sides to him, but fundamentally extroversion is not something that can be turned off and on. Just like you can’t just suddenly make yourself extroverted. No one can be all things.

So really you only have two options. One, decide that this is just too big of a incompatibility for you. Or two, find a way to work things out where neither of you have to compromise on who you are and what you value the most. This will likely be difficult, but that’s how relationships tend to be.

[Bobby_2021]

I just can't accept my gf ever going out with male friends. Big no. So I look for introverted shy feminine girls in the first place.

Accept that your feelings are legitimate and talk to him about it.

Afterall everything is an arbitrary boundary. Everyone must discuss together what boundaries are acceptable. There are people who are even ok with sexual relations with other people outside of a relationship.

It's a reality that you can't accept it. Better not do patchwork and later regret about it.

And again depending on how old you are, I don't think you can outgrow, and simply accept him. This is not within the reach of most people. It's easy to convince yourself that you can while you really can't.

Get Reality to change for you, instead of halfheartedly accepting it.

Or visualise him going out and chatting (as friends) with the hottest girls and try to see if you can accept it. 

Edited February 1, 2022 by Bobby_2021

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Bobby_2021 said:

I just can't accept my gf ever going out with male friends.

Da fuq?

[Karmadhi]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Da fuq?

Actually a lot of guys have this view. Even high value guys with LOTS of options. They think that if their girlfriend goes out with male friends, those males secretly want to sleep with her or like her and they will try to steal her from you. Especially if they meet often and if the girl might be in a bit spot at that moment. Tbh i find it quite insecure but it has happened sometimes (not often though, it is more of a outlier thingy). My guess would be because these people only see females as an opportunity for sex and nothing more (they do not have personally female friends), they project this into other guys thinking other guys are just like them. This can be an issue especially if the girl is quite hot and they will assume people are her "friends" but are actually attracted to her.

Personally i never had a girlfriend and i doubt my girlfriend will be like super hot  so i cannot really say how i would act but knowing myself i would for sure let her hang out with guy friends, especially if i have met them once and felt like they are nice people.

Edited February 1, 2022 by Karmadhi

[PurpleTree]

4 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

Actually a lot of guys have this view. Even high value guys with LOTS of options. They think that if their girlfriend goes out with male friends, those males secretly want to sleep with her or like her and they will try to steal her from you. Especially if they meet often and if the girl might be in a bit spot at that moment. Tbh i find it quite insecure but it has happened sometimes (not often though, it is more of a outlier thingy). My guess would be because these people only see females as an opportunity for sex and nothing more (they do not have personally female friends), they project this into other guys thinking other guys are just like them. This can be an issue especially if the girl is quite hot and they will assume people are her "friends" but are actually attracted to her.

Personally i never had a girlfriend and i doubt my girlfriend will be like super hot  so i cannot really say how i would act but knowing myself i would for sure let her hang out with guy friends, especially if i have met them once and felt like they are nice people.

me and my imaginary gf

 

gf: honey i'm going out with friends

me: are those friends female?

gf: no they're guys?

me: are they gay?

gf: what's your problem, what are you even talking about?

me: are you trying to cheat on me?

gf: dude you're paranoid

me: am i?

gf: i can't be like that i need freedom you ass hat

me: you remind me of my mother

gf: f you

me: cu**

gf: this is over

me: